I couldn’t be around you without feeling
as if my world was crashing down.
Twice I walked away but you kept
holding onto me.
Your love dominating,
controlling, and reckless.

For us both ‘WE’ became an addiction.  
Our physical connection creating a real
emotional entanglement.  
The intimacy escalated not with your love
and respect rather with your insatiable ******
desires and deceit.
You came closer to me than anyone ever had.
To say that we were totally engaged,
consumed with each other would gravely understate
what you did not only to my body, but also to my soul.
It was a crazy love.

When your presence met mine.
I’d forgotten the meaning of peace of mind.
Self-respect had flown away,
integrity fallen by the wayside.
I didn’t know who I was with you.
I didn’t know who I was without you.
Yet, I couldn’t leave…
Even though deep in my unconscious
I knew 'WE' were wrong.
My addiction wouldn’t let me go,
your addiction wouldn't let me go.
And I stayed…
Your behavior came so close to crushing my spirit,
my will to live.
In your compulsion to protect your deception
you abandoned me,
my life hanging on by a thread, I could not sleep or eat,
I could not breathe.
It was like being in a coma that I was fighting to survive.
With intensive professional help
I was forced out of the coma.
I survived.

Now I see
I stayed, not because I loved you
I stayed because I didn’t love me.
Passion kept me bound.
Truth be told, to be totally honest
I stayed out of fear, fear of missing the passion.
But now I know I’d rather be alone… than
shackled by the anguish and drama you swore was love.
As the synapses of my brain reconnect,
the evidence of controlling emotional abuse,
of possessive manipulation, overwhelms my mind and body.
I see now I wasn’t built, wasn’t ready to understand
your type of love.
I can’t deal, can’t bear, don’t deserve,
your emotional betrayal and abuse.
I have kept your secret for you to tell.
A secret I will never betray.
Now no longer together
locked in by your silence,
perpetuating the manipulation,
forever destined in your secret,
your abuse continues.

My love for my lover is
    quiet
on the outside.
     loud
on the inside.
just    as    the    roaring    river    of    fire    within    a    volcano.
I am an earthquake within this skin.

There's a reason there's a path outside your door
that leads to a road
that leads to an interstate,
that leads to an airport.

And there's a reason that planes fly from that airport
to one near here.

Same reason that airport has a road
that leads to a highway
a highway that they are repairing as we speak
that leads to my town
to a path that leads to my door

And its not just coincidence.

Any more than its coincidence that you are reading this.

Better to do than die
For I will never know your feelings
Never know your touch
Only see you from a distance
Always in silence
I would rather take the risk of dying
than never being heard
being seen
being yours
To ask forgiveness
rather than permission
is how I feel
about you and me
and us
For I know now that I have the strength
To walk that distance and look you in the eye
Never caring about who might see
you and me
For I know that even though we shield our true selves from
the naked eye
I would rather die
than live another day
Telling everyone our lies

There's a cigarette burnt black coffee filtered voice that i use but don't own
and as many cigarettes and cups as i push past empty lines
it's that other drink and smoke that own my windpipes.
That's a lie;
I've never filtered any tangible thoughts out of those two sources
and serenity aint my friend in any kind of aggravated blissful stupor.

So it must be the early morning toilet scene that caresses my inspiration as i fill it's desperation