Running through the yard
With a jar
Trying to capture the flickering
Incandescent
Floating
***** of light.

Laying in a bed
With my sister
And might-as-well-be-my-sister friend
Trying to be quiet
Silent
Hushed.
Because “Daddy’s home”
In our game of house.

Racing to the ocean
To see who could get the farthest
Before falling.
Jumping waves
That we named
“Bigfoot.”

Bolting around
In my pink boots
With my red 'fro.
Fast
As.
Lightning.

Three stockings on Christmas
One with toys and candy
The second with practical and traditional.
The third
Fruit
Nuts
Chocolate.

Catching caterpillars
Under the jungle gym
Building
Jarred
Kingdoms.

Learning to eat swiftly.
Because with a family this big
You have
To act
Fast.

Wearing a shirt in the sun
To avoid that sunburn
That always turns my Irish skin
Red
As
A lobster.

Building bears
Every November
Broadway
On the
Beach.

Sledding down a hill
Forcing your dad to ride with you
Because it’s steep
And you’re afraid
Of crashing and
Getting
Hurt.

Birthdays at the cabin
Everyone was always invited
Willingly or not.
Cookout
Water fights
Slip and slides.

Sitting in a tree
With my best friend
Surrounded by pink
Fluffy
Petals
Waiting for sisters’ soccer practice to end.

Running over to their house
Uninvited
Always welcomed anyway.
Monopoly
Trivial pursuit (Disney version of course)
Blanket forts
And popcorn.

Jumping into the pile
Of freshly raked colours.
The fall always cushioned.
***
Always
Protected.

Even my friends' parents
Know to command me
To
Reapply
Sunblock.

Hurrying to Mimi’s every weekend
Warmth of love
Stomach always full
To bursting
With hot
Delicious
Food.

Waiting till the last second to turn off the TV
Before leaving the house
Lest you miss the ending
Of a new episode
Of Rugrats
Hey, Arnold
Or Catdog.

Holidays at home
Surrounded by the people
You love
Care for
Nurture
Accept.

Running to mother
Crying when she pours the stinging liquid
On scraped
Palms
Knees
Elbows.

Staring at the sea
Trying desperately to see
The other side.
Feeling full
Content
Complete.

Hoping he finally got the hint
Knowing he did.
Hearing
He chose
Her
Instead.

Running outside
To play in the warm soap-less shower
Bare feet
Wet hair
Wet clothes.
Wishing the gods
Would never stop
Bowling.

Walking to a field
With your best friend
Finding the exact center
So you can sit
And talk
With
Or without
Words.

Searching for hours
Through green, green fields
To find the lost
Sign
Of luck
Of hope
Lost
Amid thousand of imposters.

Struggling to understand
Why she suddenly
Doesn’t want
To talk
Anymore.

Snowball fights
And a whole snow family
Followed by
Hot chocolate
Hot cider
And movies.

Anticipating leaving Nana’s
Because that’s when we each got our ration
Of coated
Branded
Chocolate
That we always took for granted.

Grappling with the notion
Of that solution
Helping
Rather than
Hurting.

Tangled up in feelings
Of abandonment
Hope
Disappointment
Love
Pain
Certainty
Doubt
Loss.
A­cceptance.

Competing for the top spot
In everything I do
With no one
But
Myself.

Basking in the summer’s warmth
Both from the sun and from your friends
Always
Avoiding
Sunburn.

Worrying about everything
From whether or not
I’ll fall off my bike
To what
The future
Holds.

Sitting by the community pool
Arguing
Every day.
With your
Best
Friend
Forever.


Holding on to my stubbornness
For dear life
Because it’s
What’s gotten
Me through.

Laying on a bench
Listening to the waves
Staring at the stars
Feeling as small
As a human
In a universe.

This is where I came from
Now I wonder
Where am I going?

Staring into space trying
To keep it together.
Eventually focus on the memory your eyes
Have rested on.
Pain seeps through the nothing that you had been working so hard
To keep.
Thoughts flood into the void that you had just
Emptied.

Driving back in the pouring rain faster
Than you should.
Slightly more reckless
It's a miracle you're alive
Half sad, half surprised,
The half that's kindofgladyouguess
Mixed in there somewhere.

Testing limits allows you
To breathe.
It's hard to remember how when your brain is a broken record
Stuck on all your recent failures.

Stumble in late
As has become usual.
Making it home to your roommates reminds you
What you haven't lost yet.
Keeping you going
For another day.

If I sleep until I die
Maybe I'll wake up into a happier time

My heart keeps pumping
Blood keeps flowing
Feet keep stepping
Always moving
Because stopping means paralysis.
When I sit I'm stuck,
My brain on repeat
Loop after loop
Of memories from the last year and a half
And phrases out of a letter written
From the depths of ultimate sadness,
This is all my fault.
And I can't get past it.
I feel like a living contradiction.
How can one hurt so much,
While feeling so numb?
I can't tell if my heart keeps skipping beats
Because of the power of the love I still have for you
Or the pain it can't handle.

If I've realized nothing else
I've learned that love is real
It just rarely has
Good timing.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I
l
  o
     v
          e
                y
                         o
                                    u

I will never be able to say it enough times
To get you out of my system.

i'm out of tears and out of hope.
your grace period has ended
and still no word.
the sleep won't come but i see no reason
to get out of bed.
we were perfect and now
pictures
memories
and a pain inducing toothbrush
are all i'm left with.
maybe one day
the hunger will return.

i can't say i didn't see it coming
but that doesn't make it easier.
for feeling so empty
i've never felt so heavy.

Our existences have to be on the same wavelength
To excite my heart like a photon
Absorbing the energy of your love.