Day one,
Hour three
I don’t know you
You don’t know me
But I already have a question.

It went downhill from there
Questions coming as fast as the seconds passed leading up to my parents
Departure.
You didn’t know what you were getting yourself into when you said I could count on you
And then you let me follow you home
Like the lost puppy I was.
I didn’t know what I was getting myself into
When I said
Let’s be friends.
Because now all I want to do is trust you
When all my head says is keep it to myself,
Baby, I came here with more than just clothes in my baggage.
But I can’t keep myself from saying too much
And I can’t keep you from saying too little
And I can’t keep myself from wanting to save you.
When I need to save myself.
Because I can’t do this
Again.

I’m supposed to forget my past
But her words were dragons that continue to rear their heads
At inopportune moments.
For every question I ask you, I ask myself fifteen more
And the answers?
Well they’re with the slippers I forgot to pack.
I’m in love with a bunch of letters.
Little pieces of paper that make me nauseous just to look at.
Words that used to mean the world are now just contradictions.

So please don’t ever write me a letter
Because I’ll take that to mean you’re leaving me too.
I know her actions don’t have anything to do with you
But my past isn’t gone
It’s just been put on a shelf
Somewhere else.
And I’m trying so hard to forget where.

You deserve more than this.
You deserve more than the cheesy clichés and the useless words.
You deserve more than the part of my past I won’t tell you
And the rubble that I’m left with.
And for you I want to be more.

I’ve given you my heart on paper multiple times before
I want you to know
That for you, there is no door.
Forget my shoulder,
Let my lend you my spine.
And please if you ever need it,
Let our fingers intertwine.

Friend,
I want to be your windowsill.
I want you to know I’ll always be there,
For you to put your crap on.
I want you to know you can open up my head and look inside and rummage around for a while
If for some bizarre reason you would ever want to that.
I don’t know why you would ever want to do that…
But anyway.
I want to be the notebook that you can write your secrets in
And know no one will ever find them.
I want to be the magic eight ball that you turn to for help
And that has the courage to tell you what you don’t want to hear
Because I know you need to hear it.
I want to be that sticker you put on your wall.
You don’t always look at it,
But you know it’s always there.
Most importantly though,
I want you to think of me as a bottle of glue.
It doesn’t matter what you throw at me,
I’ll always stick with you.

In terms of smiles,
Is crooked a synonym for broken?
And in terms of lies,
If your tears are black, do they match your heart?

This is a story
Of the girl who was never the prettiest.
She was never the skinniest
Never the most popular
Never the absolute smartest
Never invited to all of the parties.
She was above average,
But never the best.
This is the story
Of the girl
Who lived to make everyone around her happy.
The girl who knew what it felt like to hurt
Knew what sobbing sounded like
Late in the night
When no one else was around.
This is the story of the girl
Who held her emotions inside
Because she wanted to help others
Instead of focusing on herself.
The story of the girl who forgot what happy
Felt like.
She forgot what it was like
To wake up in the morning
And not worry about what people might read in her face
Might see in her eyes
Might think about her appearance.
She couldn’t stop wondering
Why people never noticed
That underneath her perfectly composed
Wonderfully put together
Outer layer,
She was tearing at the seams.
This is the story of a girl
Who was living life
On the edge of a breakdown
Until her fall-down
Brought her around.
This is the story of the girl
Who got out of her town
Was forced to figure out who she was
And finally got the opportunity to make herself happy.
Finally stopped caring
What other people might think.
The girl
Who kissed the girl
Because that’s what was going to make her happy.
The girl
Who held her hand
Because that’s what she wanted to do.
The girl
Who came back home for break
And told her friends,
Through the terror and with a shaking voice,
That she has a girlfriend now
And she’s finally happy.
And listened with relief
As her two best friends
Said the things she always knew they would say.
“I don’t care who you like.
I don’t care what you do.
I’m glad you’re making yourself
Happy.”

Through everything you said to me
Everything you did,
I still blame myself.
I still see your pain.
I still worry.

You've always been more important
Than myself.
'Always' extends to now.

Don't worry, love.
I forgave you a thousand times.

I have to tell you.
I have to tell you all.
But I don’t know how…
I can’t find the words to say…
To tell you…
That I’m not who you all always thought
I was.

Your words cut like
Skates through the ice
Making cracks through which your heat
Can seep
Melting the shield
From a thousand different crevices.
Exposing the living,
Moving
System beneath.
Opening it up
To the world again.
Will you sink,
Or will you swim?

I don’t think I’ve ever been so completely hated
By someone I so completely loved.
Maybe if I stare long enough
Into the curve of this spoon
It will take me into the past
So I can change the things that now lie behind me.
Maybe if I stare long enough at my reflection
In the windows of this old dilapidated house,
The weights I feel on my shoulders
Will become real
And I’ll actually be able to shrug them off.
Maybe if I keep pretending I’m fine with the goodbye I left you with,
I’ll actually gain the confidence I said it with.
Maybe the things I said will be true.
And I will at least
Have
You.
But the spoon is in the dish-pit,
And the windows are being washed.
The surroundings are new,
There is no you
Here.
Why can’t I clean you out of my head
Like I cleaned you out of my life.
Why can’t I forget all the times you told me the opposite
Of that one sentence you left me with.
Why does that one sentence,
Get to be the ruling power
Why does that one sentence
Get to fill my head.
Why does the one sentence
Erase an entire summer.
Erase upwards of 20,000 texts.
Erase my smile.
Why do you believe her
When all she’s done
Is tear us apart.
You didn’t even hear my side
Before you cut the final thread.

I hope you feel better.
I hope hating me is doing things for you.
I hope you’re channeling all those thoughts that made you feel like a dying flower
Into an anger at me
And I hope you can write again.
Because your best friend is gone,
And now I’m gone too.
There was only ever so much I could do
And now my time is through.

For a little while there,
You were the stars in my sky.
The sun shone out of your ***,
And my shoulder was your eternal tissue.
You made me a better person.
I wanted to be a better person for you.

Emotions are a funny thing.
I’m trying to shut mine off.
I think you’ve lost yours.