Let me touch
  even in the slightest way
     your shadow
        as it moves away

Let me reminisce
  every promise, broken
    every teardrop
       every faint word, spoken

I see the sky
    as empty as the sky
is the feeling I experience
everytime we say "good night" ,"God bless" and "see you tomorrow"

So empty as the night sky

I see the wind
as cold as the wind
is the feeling I get
when you and I part ways
the feeling is there everytime I turn back
and see you move away.

Like the wind that's here for a moment

we see each other not as often as we used to,
not as long as we used to,
yet... somehow we get along.

But it seems that I can't be used with the feeling
of having you for a moment
missing you through the night
and longing for you every morning
yet... somehow we get along

I love you Vanessa... in any and every aspect of you.

Then...

I remember our love,
growing like flowers,
free, as the wind, sun and moon
played with it.
as plain as a flower
as fragrant as a flower
is the love that you gave
--thank you--
you could have given me a ****,
and it would still mean the world to me


with loving thoughts of you
Chris

Behind closed doors
is where my therapy lies
under the sheets
behind the passage of time

echoes and billows
of my fragmented mind
as my headaches are intertwined
with these heartaches of mine

So let me
chase every sunrise and sunset
with the hope that encompass
the darkness behind us

Never getting used to this pain
I thought I had beaten it before
Yet here I am losing without fighting
loving and being ignored.

And I say it's Ok
because there will never be an "us"
and yes, perhaps IT IS "Ok"
But no, it will not end so fast.

For never will I ever
be used to this feeling
from afar I will subside
until I am lost in my cringing...

How I wish that I've never
  Ever been ever
    Mesmerized in a clever
       void of forever.

I would like to die
Not tonight, or tomorrow,
But now!

There. That's my poetry today.

I would like to order peace
But since it's unavailable
Perhaps a piece of poisoned dagger
To cut through my heart
Will suffice.

I would love to have joy
But since it's too expensive
Perhaps an overdose of pain
To battle my existing pain
Will siffice.

I am craving for love
But since she IS the source
Of my current distress
Perhaps loneliness will suffice
This HOPELESS, drenched, cursed being.

So I would love death
To be my therapy
In this harsh unforgiving world.

To just perish. Oh hopeless, poor, soul.
Just perish.

Writing is honesty cut open
It is the nakedness of a person
The depth of the time it was written
and the purity of crampled emotions

For without such,they would merely
Become words void...
And spaces null

Beaten. Worn out. Shattered.
My wings will still fly for you.

Scorned. Ruined. Ridiculed.
My dreams will still live in you.

Weakened. Drained. Shriveled.
My strength will carry you.

Unrequited. Abused. Tired.
My love will endure.

So take rest.
Place your head on my chest.
I will keep you close both tonight...
And the rest of your life.

You don't have to be brave.
You don't have to be brave

Heart beats fast as I said hello
Another date with the unknown
What if she sees through me?
Will my darkness be shown?

Cupid's arrow has a poisoned tip
And he's taunting me to play his game
And heaven is silent and exasperated
As my lips try to mumble her name.

I honestly need a break
From my mind's weary eerie lie
Shoulders tensed, in this I confess
I'm afraid to lose again in this life

She said that I should make
new friends while I spend
The next 24 hours away
from the noises inside my head

So tonight I will meet Mrs. Moon
As she smiles back at me
The Stars will say hi
Introducing their friend: Night sky

I will try to make amends
with my prosecutor: Past
And to try to visit my adversary: Fears
With its cohorts:
Unknown and Future

So that by tomorrow,
I can set an appointment
with my companion: Peace
and her brother: Courage

But little will she know
That I will also be thinking of her.. tonight.

I shared with them
My fears
And they used them against me

They spat
on my face
Because I'm different

They don't see
That I am losing this
War that has been waging
In my soul for years...

So I
Now I
Will be alone.

Like a dying beast
Forever burdened
After its use
Has been abused

Like a worn-out tool
Remembering
Its usefulness to the world

So I
Now I
Will tread this alone.

What once was hallowed
has turned to dark
what once has purpose
is now an empty bark
like a dead wood tree
like a wheel that's stuck
is a hollowed soul I am
with all the yuck and the muck

A friend asked why I dance? This was my reply:

I dance because...
It is the thump in my heart beat
It is the strength of my morning sun
It is the exhale of my inhale
The filter of my lungs
The connection to this world
My land of peace in my world of chaos
It is...
The quiet whisper of my soul
  Intently hidden behind my smile

Why do I dance?
Because with it I take off my mask
With it I become one with life and the living...

Building walls
  to keep the predators out
brick by brick
  each layer sorted out

A fortress for my castle
  sturdy without a doubt
to withstand the awful shadows
  to contain the silence after every shout

Building these walls
  to keep the predators apart.
But how do I protect myself
from the enemies living inside my heart?

God, your eyes
Slivering, tempting, unrefined
Luring my senses behind.
  
  God, your eyes.

It was an open interpretation
When you picked up the phone
I knew you can hear me talking
But I still felt alone

I wanted to express my emotions
In the hopes of winning you back
But your walls were fortified and strong
Unlike my broken heart, yours didn't even crack.

And time went slowly
As I verbalized my all
With tears witheld and hands clenched
I bare my heart and soul

And it took me a while to realize
A moment left to cry
For all the whys and the what ifs I've shed
Silence was your only reply...

My darling, I almost died.

I need to forget you
like how the day forgets the night
how the drought forgets the rain
and the blind forgets his sight

I need to lose you
like a villain losing his sanity
like nakedness losing its dignity
like amnesia losing its memory

I need to forget you
I need to lose you
for the last time...
I need you.

My drunken head
On my lonely bed
I retire myself in fear
I retire dreaming you're here.

On my lonely bed
With my spinning head

No more rhymes
the poet has left the stage
no more words
they wouldn't suffice anyway
No goodbyes
cause it meant the acknowledgement that we have once met
there are but tears
pain
a deep gaping wound
and a thousand memories that has to be erased
Things will never be the same,
yet one thing remains:
I am still afraid to be happy.

I am a well of overflowing emotions
     tap me once and I explode
Like a ne'er ending source
     like magma, ever ready to flow

One cannot teach
a viper to sing
a leopard to fly
and a fish to close its eyes

One cannot teach
a person to cry
to have wings like a dove
or a heart to love

I see darkness creeping
under my veins tonight
behold, my light has fallen
and gone from my sight

As emptiness engulfs
my worn, weary eyes
I loathe this feeling of pain
every single time I cry

It seems like
I have perfected
the destruction of myself.

I wanted to be
your hero

But you didn't need saving
well,
not from me.

You needed
to play around with your darkness

So darkness became
your savior.

In between the sheets we passed time
with whispers of passion and divine
with hushed dreams and wishful thoughts
while we count our loss and count the cost

On this sinful night as we lay awake
we'll try to hide all the noises we make
for time is yet to be on our side
and the heat of the moment will never subside

In between these sheets we lay bare
the universe does seem to care
In the still of the night, a thought pushed through
I fear losing someone... like you.

In the midst of a silenced room
we embraced in the midnight gloom
where promises were covered
through a thick cloud of whispers

As your hands gently caressed
through my cheeks, lips, and hair
leading me to draw you closer
to my seated body so bare

"I will give love one more try"
I whispered in pain
"But if I fail again, I don't know what will happen to me."

Then you said:

"Stay with me, we will heal together."

...
...
...
...


For in the midst of a silenced room
we embraced in the midnight gloom
where our promises were renewed
in the hopes that love will bloom.

Self therapy. Sharing what goes into the mind of a depressed person. It took me a great deal of courage to share this.

Time: 7:12 pm. Dec 12.


At the end of the day, Chris, you're still alone.

And it's unfair to think otherwise. It's unfair to rely on another for comfort for they too are fighting battles. So embrace your cold state, learn to be numb. Shout if you must to silence the void and its deafening silence. For what is missing can only be replaced by that of which is the same, but you are not ready for that, your antidote to this poison is still on its way, so do your best to hold on for one more day.

Sleep. Try. Fail. Learn. Repeat. The wounds are opened. The wells are deep. The doors, shut.

Breathe. Don't give up yet. Don't think too much. Sleep, sleep,sleep.

Bad memories stay the longest
sting the hardest
and weaken the most.

Bad memories *******
the heart and soul
inflict pain
leave scars unresolved.

I want to bellow my heartaches
to the world while it sleeps
Even when no one is listening
even if by myself I weep

To bawl my woes for the nth time
while over the moon I howl
whispering cries and shouting vows,
incantations, and silent growls!

Tonight my pipes are unheard
while I cover myself to speak
my solace where art thy wingless noise
my poisoned brows are yours to keep.

You say to yourself that you're ugly
Perhaps you've only gauged yourself
On the same level that this shallow world has set.

You don't see the glimmer of hope
You bring whenever you smile
You don't notice how
The room brightens a little bit upon your entrance
You don't notice the joy you've given
To my weary soul
And perhaps you don't understand the depth of your presence, the power of your words, and the overwhelming comfort of your embrace.

Perhaps I should remind you daily
That your genuine beauty is what I had searched for.

Perhaps I should remind you daily, that your prescious whispers have anchored my otherwise drifting abyss...

Beyond compare, your true beauty is.
I wish you could see that.

Your bite marks
left on my skin
are like painful flowers
etched on my mind

Will thou be there?
Oh Great Wind of the south...
to cover my leaves that bear
the fruits which my soil hath abound?

Will thou be there?
Oh Sun, the ever so bright...
to give me reason to shade
a passerby, a child.

Will my seed bear
the fruits of my tomorrow...
the fulfillment of my dreams...
the laughter of my sorrows...

Will thou abound?
When my poetry cease
to scatter my thoughts...
to scatter my will.

Will thou be there?
Oh Great, Mighty One?
Will thy great branches
cover my lonely arms...
When dawn breaks
through the passage of my tonight
will my heart still say
"I did what was right?"

circa 2015

She said

That my aura smells
like a bar of soap
with a hint
of fresh cinnamon

What I didn't say
is that her hugs
felt like home.

Me: You know what hurts?
Myself: What?
I: "Everything"

Science proves that time-traveling is possible
and how quantum physics have shown
that moving through time into the future
is easier and more plausible
than going back

Perhaps it really means:

That we were not supposed
to revert back
to our what ifs
and the would've been's

Like the time when
the world was our oyster
in the presence
of our once perfect world

Perhaps it means:

That our tears had flowed
fulfilling its purpose
Or our knees have been bruised
for an apparent reason

And our mistakes and disasters
have cultivated
the new life we live
at the moment

Perhaps the dagger
struck within our soul
was indeed inscribed
with our blueprint for pain

Perhaps our weakened state
is where our blessings
vehemently lies

Perhaps,
we were never meant
                     to look back.

Vanity! Vanity!
All things in vain!
The seas, the mountains,
my life in chains!
The flowers, the dewdrops,
the mighty hordes too
have all lost their glamour
the day I lost you.

Vanity! Vanity!
shouted through eternity
raging billows of fire
spouted from the mouth of mine enemies!
No records abound
nor secrets untold
in the chambers of mine heart
where art thou, oh Cold?

My roots are uprooted
and my soul is a ravine
my compass is shattered
like my soul uncleaned!
Lest tomorrow brings hope
I fear I'm losing track
From my innermost being I cry
"Mom, Dad, PLEASE COMEBACK!"

Loving and being loved
starting over again
knowing someone worthy
someone more than a friend
Feeling her heart next to mine
In the chill of the night
whilst her arms wrap around me
holding me tight
Remembering her quirks and dislikes
being used like a tool
building a universe around her
exposing myself like a fool
Giving love another chance
giving love another toast
these are the things
that I fear the most.

It just makes sense
to realize this one true fact
that an unlovable me exists
to stump everything in me that's intact.

It just makes sense
that I am too broken to be whole
too ruined to be loved
too vicious to be cruel.

It just makes MORE sense
to understand being alone
for no one would accept and embrace
my once beautiful soul.

It just makes sense
to be rejected once more
to be thrown like chaff
to be melted to my core.

It just makes sense
To say goodbye than hello
to walk slowly and briefly
to dwindle a lil bit more.

I could probably write
a thousand more reasons for my plea
Cause it just makes sense
for me to stay UNHAPPY

I am not a hero
for I am not good
I too am not evil
just merely misunderstood

I am not darkness
though I dwell in thee
nor am I its shadow,
merely its enmity

I am also not Light
for I cannot bear its burn
can't you see my scars
hidden behind my churn?

I am no longer my yesteryears
I am no longer my today
I am no longer my tomorrow
that, too, has faded away

I am in the crevice
trapped in the shadows
a pointless voyager
an archer without arrows

I've prayed for you
a million times
before I laid
my eyes unto yours

I've dreamt of this
for a thousand summers
before your sunshine
shone deep unto my abyss

I entered the house
Coming from school
I am the eldest of four
A child, inexperienced, a fool.

I turned to see
my parents in glee
We've grown as teenagers
Young and bold were we...

Then I saw the sun
As years fly by
My son in my arms
Hushing his cry

Now the noon fades
As minutes become years
As my home becomes a wreck
Flooded with tears

I searched and had found
The embrace from another
But she too has left
Crushing me under.

Oh home that I dream
Oh home that I hope
Is one I cannot reach
And a future I cannot cope.

Being good

Is not enough.

Your portion for my whole
a fair trade for sure
a portion of your time and affection
for my whole dedication.
a fair trade for sure.

I hate this
  this I hate
   hate this, I
    and no matter how
     I try to lie
      hate is how I
        cut all my ties
          I hate it when
            I turn to side
              and see my wounds
                to never dry
                  cause no matter how
                     hard I try
                       this I hate
                          I hate this, I.

I have made so many poems
... of joyful, youthful glow
and carved them in my memory
... a capsule of years ago.

I have dealt with so many dreams
... I've dealt with so many fire
to purify this anguished life
... consuming my wildest desire.

Perhaps one day I'll make a dream
perhaps... with you this time around
Perhaps I'll stop making poems
for YOUR poetry will now abound

I hope someday, you'll find it too
that peace your turmoil's been searching
for in the space of our lavished arms
Is where you, Kristine, will be staying.

Love is a monster

It cries from deep within
Its gates are sturdy
Yet her eyes managed
To pierce through me

She bellows and shrieks
Longing to be free
Not knowing that her prison
Was made by fools like me

So I let her go
Trembling was I, shaking in fear
For this monster I created
Wouldn't lend me an ear.

Darkness is now sitting
In the place where love left
Now I'm closing this door shut
Along with the memories I've felt.

I am never grateful
For this monster love of mine
How can someone be grateful
To the painful memories left behind?

I never smile
Like the way I smile
Whenever my thoughts
Remember how you lied

Don't great me "Happy Father's Day!"

For I am not happy,
I failed as a father,
and this is not my day.

I need a poisonous tip
one that is as sharp
as the tongues of these mockers
shouting in my ears.

I need a hallow soul
with an emptiness...
as vast as the crevasse
found in my heart.

I need a knife,
a blunt knife,
to slowly feel its edges
cut open my skin

until it causes
my heart
until it causes
my soul

to cease to exist.

For what is life but a series of unfathomable events...
leading us astray?

Perhaps love is not for me
Maybe a vagabond
Is what I ought to be
Forever hoping
Always seeking
But never finding
Whom I was meant to be.

Yea, perhaps love is not for me.

It makes sense now

Walking along the streets with you
the smell of the air
its cold temperature
your weird smile
whilst I hold the umbrella
which you left in my apartment until now.

The sensation of having you
or our dimmed silhouette
or the whispers you uttered.

It makes sense now...

I had built a palace of memories with you.
and its walls and chambers were filled,
with echoes of your voice.

It makes sense now...

Why it's taking me far too long
to forget you,
for destroying such palace is akin
to tearing down myself.

It makes sense now.