You hurt my feelings

I don't think he misses me anymore.
I don't think he loves me anymore.
I don't think he is the person he pretends to be....

I feel legitimately sad
and I hate that it's uncontrollable

soft spokenly
a token of gratitude
to thee
what seems as imperfection
is great perfection
to me
never change
never want to be
some one else's arrange

Couldn't see the beauty in me
******* someone else will someday
Done not being good enough for you

You don't love me

a prickling tickle I get from a love that's fickle
is sometimes desirable to a girl young and nimble
her mind is more rapid than the body itself
wants to feel her seat being tugged out from beneath her

she is aware a fickle love is unstable
her parents are a prime example of that label
give me the sweet gore that comes with
ever-changing pursuits of psuedo-fun

Abuse can be present and still be so subtle that the person doing the abuse and the person experiencing the abuse don’t realize what is happening at the time. Not everything is text-book perfect, in life. Not everything is black and white. Abuse isn’t always intentional. Screaming every day, ignoring every day, choosing partners over child, choosing partners’ offspring over your own child, belittling, singling out, calling out, never touching, quick changing-environments (moving in with boyfriend’s after only a couple months, risking child’s safety—which includes mental health)…..is a form of abuse and neglect.  Please understand that I must emphasize how this was literally every day of my life. Constant chaos is all I know.

I am a warrior. I just haven’t reached the good part of that story in my life, yet. I like to think someday, all this **** I went through was for something.  I hope that something is me becoming strong. I hope I truly understand how to use the pain of the past as a tool to get me through tougher times. I hope that this wasn’t all for nothing. I will never recreate that hell for my own child, that’s for sure.

I'm in ******* hell *** I cant take this

The birds are debating.
It's 5 A.M.
Why the **** am I awake?

Benadryl hums it's numbing song and I dim down the lights to surrender from my wobbly eyes.

.

I wish I liked nice guys, but I always fall for the ******.

Dense, hugging fractal frenzy
O green queen
Rooted soul, in tune universally
Quiet earthly whispers
Still
And not afraid to be naked
Grouped, but never identical
I admire you, you are my idols

Hey, are you okay?
You look like you need a friend
Averted stare, unmanaged hair, fresh wet skin under those eyes
Hey, are you okay?
I think we have all been there
Disturbed, unheard, horribly impaired

I love you and even if I didn't
There are a million--no, billions who would love you in a minute
Don't dread and tread all over that beautiful mind
I'll take you in and call you mine

Fix you up, give you strength
Until you are ready to take the lengths
Walk on your own again, remember how bliss feels
I'll give you my heart as a meal
Eat it up, love for two
And if I fall back you'll be ready to catch me

The never ending cycle of needing one another

childlike fascination
mystery obsession
...
terrarium in a cranium
barefoot expedition
...
valley sea
mushroom haven
...
fairy stars between trees
full jar

I fill my life with something to love
It makes me feel emptier
My thoughts become hyperactive
I don't hate myself

Why
What's missing
What am I doing wrong

My sharp teeth grip livid bruises onto my tongue
Never saying what I'd like to portray

I am incapable of transferring my emotions into language
My only apparatus is "my mind" and it's unequipped for this life

Maybe I am incompetent?
But surely, there is a way to use my time peacefully...

Words just spill out onto the screen of my laptop
And suddenly it becomes a subject I had no preparation for

Last night, I adventured up onto a mountain
Shady trees and familiar acquaintances who I like
Nobodies who enjoy crawling into cracks and crevices
Because the streets are unstimulating

We reach the edge of the world
Look down, must of been 2,000 feet
Kings and Queens
We owned the city, because we had their lights in our hands

That was a night I will relive
Over, and over, and over, and over
I feel alive, I feel aware when I am with you all
It doesn't matter if we had a past or not

You matter
And you made an impact
And you have an affect on my memories
And you made my night memorable

We rule
Because we think we rule
And that is all that matters
All that matters is what you think of yourself

Fear is a man-made obstacle course
That you push yourself to relive before trying out

Fear is becoming unnatural
Because it's no longer about surviving violence

Fear is all in your head
All you have to do is not fear

The moment you took your last breath,
and I heard the croak dissipate into the corner of the room
Your body took form of a silhouette
and now you're nameless

You are more than who you were when you had a name
Yet everyone treats your death with shame

Humans tend to make me cringe
fold like paper; thrown into the bin
I don't wanna be seen even though I exist
Carelessly crafted by anxious hands
I've been written up just to be written off