I have been longing to feel for so long that when it finally made its arrival I was too acquainted with the numbness and ran away.

All my life
felt like breathing through a straw
You came along
and tried to remove it
I thought you were harming me
I panicked
Held my breath for a minute
and when I opened my eyes
the straw was gone
I could breathe better

I often catch myself
involuntarily whispering a phrase;
"I wish I were home"
while at my house.

I dream of a character
that I know exists but I'll never find
because I'm too comfortable with
being alone all of the time.

Light pets my cornea every morning, through the sunshine printed tapestry...
I prefer the synthetic things in life,


the irony.

childlike fascination
mystery obsession
...
terrarium in a cranium
barefoot expedition
...
valley sea
mushroom haven
...
fairy stars between trees
full jar

death is life

when a star dies, it falls inwards
following a miraculous explosion

death isn't life because
life ends in death

death is a spark
of a beginning,
a push...
towards being
what you were meant to be

life isn't unknown, a mystery
it is just hidden, child's play
and those equipped with a childlike fascination
will disobey norms and willingly search for
and crawl through the rabbit hole

while coming to the conclusion
'logic' has been taught
to work around only physicality

expand
like the universe

Fear is a man-made obstacle course
That you push yourself to relive before trying out

Fear is becoming unnatural
Because it's no longer about surviving violence

Fear is all in your head
All you have to do is not fear

The birds are debating.
It's 5 A.M.
Why the **** am I awake?

Fly high!
That's what they'll say,
after you wreck your car
and spill your brains.

They won't know--
or maybe they will.
****** tomb,
disguised as "wonderful daughter,
great friend."

Everyone has earplugs,
blindfolds too.
The epidemic is supplying
some for you.

Russian roulette
has some competition.
This ain't some new
invention...

Nobody cares--
it's not them.
Nobody cares--
unless it's them.
But it's too late by then.

My happiness is not an object
You can not rob it

a week
armpit hair
coughing
thinking
involuntarily stressing
movie binge
social network vacation
breathing

Gritted teeth, anxious, smooth-toothed
Swirling pit, stomach twists and turns, old bath rag
Adrenaline, uncontrolled thoughts keeps me grounded, cigarette
Empty eyes, laughter, a smile

I'm just a nut job
hiding behind a blank stare
you can find me
almost anywhere.
I smile and I laugh
in front of your face.
I hide in a bathroom,
creating my fate.
This powder controls my day,
I'll love you once it's made its way...
up my nose, through my bloodstream
into my brain...
I'll love you once it's made its way...
I'll love you once it's made its way...
I'll love you once I feel okay...

I am insane.
but I am not insane in just anyway.

I am completely sane.

I crave insanity.
Bad turns me on.
I am obsessed with the idea of a sociopath.
I want to never hold back words and actions.
Selfishness is ****.
But I will never be that way.
It's all I've ever wanted.
Was to be insane.

5:25 P.M.

I have made a vow to myself.

I'll never let you go.

All the nicotine,
alcohol
and pills
can't wash you away.

You're a stain
I purposely poured ...
all over me.

I close my eyes
and I see
nothing but you.

Nothing but you and me.

Love ***** me up
---for better and for worse.

But I won't let my mother
and my father
pass down this....
curse.

Some day we will
purify our love
and it will no longer hurt.

Earthly intelligence
Love is the apparatus of universal existence
Nothing more, nothing less
All we ever needed to know is already inside of us

Eyes are useful, but sometimes blinding
Spread your forehead open in the name of light
Reality is perception
Perception is you

You are the creator

you're the snake
coiled around my throat
snapping my vocal chords







to: my tongue

Humans tend to make me cringe
fold like paper; thrown into the bin
I don't wanna be seen even though I exist
Carelessly crafted by anxious hands
I've been written up just to be written off

"I've been scraped back up so many times that I am finally in the raw.  It's a little funny-sad how it took all these past mishappenings with other people for you to be blessed with the best version of myself.  I guess finishing last is a good thing, huh? Now, I have experienced a lot of events in this short lifetime of mine and I have figured out something about this world. It's a little tough and it won't ever wait for me- or you- or anyone. But,  I have found a secret to surviving this big world. Be impulsive. Let's leave, let's do what we want, let's not care about every day ideas. Let's be selfish, together. I love you more than the air. Let's live until we can't." - Stephanie Darcey

"Stephanie Darcey, what a hell of a girl. She was something different, like the girls you dreamed of bein' with who were from movies and such.  There was so much to her, she never ran out of words to speak. I don't know how many times I had to stop her mid sentence, because if I hadn't I would of been sitting in my own silence all night. But, boy, I sure loved that 'bout her.  She looked like she was born yesterday, and I mean in a good way. Not the kind of way you'd usually think.  I mean, she looked like she saw the world for the first time every *single day. A twinkle in her eye, yep.  Steph wasn't insecure either, and if she was... Well, she was real good at hiding it.  I am not quite sure how she did it, but I think she actually achieved perfection.  She did nothing wrong to me.  She wasn't submissive, but she wasn't wanting me to cater to her every beck and call.  She had balance, and I think she was a lot more beautiful than the girls on the T.V.  I loved her so much and I still do. Steph was untamable. So, what did I do? What any man would do if he was madly in love. I went with her, we went everywhere. We experienced what life was to us. She was getting lost in jungles while I was getting lost in her."

It's as if you have pressed pause
and you're not really certain if you will ever unpause...
You're hazy and dazy, it's hard to make any decisions.
You're convinced you're actually doing something and then when you sober up you realize the day has passed, unused...literally nothing was done.

A waste.
Wasting away.

But it has given me a light...
Now when I'm sober I realize how beautiful life is and how dark opiates are.

Last night, I adventured up onto a mountain
Shady trees and familiar acquaintances who I like
Nobodies who enjoy crawling into cracks and crevices
Because the streets are unstimulating

We reach the edge of the world
Look down, must of been 2,000 feet
Kings and Queens
We owned the city, because we had their lights in our hands

That was a night I will relive
Over, and over, and over, and over
I feel alive, I feel aware when I am with you all
It doesn't matter if we had a past or not

You matter
And you made an impact
And you have an affect on my memories
And you made my night memorable

We rule
Because we think we rule
And that is all that matters
All that matters is what you think of yourself

I do not want to forgive myself for the events I put you through

But I must in order to move on

You will always be a part inside my head that fills in the gaps of my consciousness

There is a version of you that speaks to me that I have created

Now, when I speak I remind myself of you often

I'm pretty sure I'll always be in love with you

And that's okay,  I can live with that

Because I don't think I could redo it again

The damage isn't worth it

Hey I love you, but no ******* way

So, tell me... What does life mean to you?
To me, it is like a facade or an illusion.
You find what feels most real and live with it.

The majority of people are logged into the same "server",
but that doesn't make the ones who see purple people
or talk to higher powered entities from other dimensions
any different from one another

There is truth in our words,
but I think the truth is beyond human language, for the most part
If we ever figure out the mystery, it will probably be verbally unexplainable


The veil is lifted little by little,
every day we grow older we FEEL the truth, even unconsciously
but it is there, believe me
and when we die the veil will be lifted


to find that we chose to live this life we previously lived
and chances are, we will choose to live again

"One time, me and Steph went to South America and stayed in this motel.  We didn't have much money back then so we tried our best to just have fun anyway.  We stayed at cheap motels across the world, we never stayed there much though so it's not like it really mattered. But, we were in South America this one time and we were on the balcony smoking cigarettes, having coffee at 2 A.M. and reminiscing about our pasts.  She had such a heavy heart. She would tell me with a cheeky little grin "Yeah, I did a lot of bad things I'm not proud of, Tony.  I'm pretty glad I did all those bad things, ya know? Those bad things led me to you.  Those bad things **** well hurt, but they led me to you. Those bad things were worth it, Tony." And at 2 A.M., things always got a lil deep for her because she believed any time past 12 was a time to really think.  So, sometimes she would have a good cry and I'd hold her. I think that memory of us on the balcony in a strange new country having coffee, cigarettes, and chats really stuck in my head because it was a time in our adventure where you could tell things had their pause.  It was a memory that lasted longer than the few hours it actually did.  I still remember the taste of that cigarette and that cup of coffee. I remember the texture of the blanket she had wrapped around her slim, shivering body. I remember how meaningful her innocent tears were.  Yeah, the view was pretty, but I wasn't really concerned about what was beyond that balcony because I was too busy savoring her presence."

When consumed, it consumes you
When it is tasted, it has tasted you
It enjoys the taste of you more
You're fooled
Into a host

I don't like the high,
it likes my life

It still hurts every day
But I'm trying not to think about it
Why do I still feel lonely
In between the people I lie with
I keep my mind numb
Because every time I have a minute
to myself
I think of you

And now I have panic attacks
It's you trying to get through to me
I can't escape the suffocation
I was never taught how to deal

Hey, are you okay?
You look like you need a friend
Averted stare, unmanaged hair, fresh wet skin under those eyes
Hey, are you okay?
I think we have all been there
Disturbed, unheard, horribly impaired

I love you and even if I didn't
There are a million--no, billions who would love you in a minute
Don't dread and tread all over that beautiful mind
I'll take you in and call you mine

Fix you up, give you strength
Until you are ready to take the lengths
Walk on your own again, remember how bliss feels
I'll give you my heart as a meal
Eat it up, love for two
And if I fall back you'll be ready to catch me

The never ending cycle of needing one another

I can't tell you why women fall in love with people who aren't as crazy for them back but I can tell you what happens when it occurs.

The love for the other person fills in deeper to compensate the lack of love given back. That's why the repercussions are so detrimental to the emotions in the very end...because the whole time you were loving for two and that's heavy.