quantum intimacy was always my breakfast
only now do I understand
many masks all unique in texture and shape
when we're young we learn how to play on swings
as adults
we all know the up swing
only the lucky ones can pump us back and forth
up down
up down
up down
(god that sounds familiar)
(like a cheap wire spring mattress on a tuesday night when you promise I'm the only one and my body melts in your palm)
cards are kept at the holders eye
you never let me know whats up your sleeve
so why should I show you the gold I have hidden?

something about the cold drew me to you
the temperature of your bedroom kept me there
"i always liked the cold" you'd say
i wondered why
now I know it's because you craved inseparable proximity
you required love that i couldn't give, though i wanted to so desperately

you turned me into ice
because as soon as you made me melt
i cracked
and ran

she creates moments in her head
a rush of panic
heart pounds so hard
oxygen faults
where is it?
um
um
oh
wait
****
fists clench and quads ache
i do this to myself
to stay alive?
no
I don't know

I.
one almond shaped eye
jutting ribs
the motor keeps running fast
bus skimming skin
so so close
aqua fronts and white lettering
dead flowers everywhere
our eyes are just melting out of our skulls
the raindrops are so consistent
remember dew drops and the warmth of summer?
i do

II.
time was lost in beige
wheels spinning and bumping and squealing
what does your handwriting look like?
one sentence keeps wanting to tattoo itself in my cerebellum
disease and chaos are so close
like skin on bones and lips on teeth
an injury that won't seem to heal quickly
minds that converge like magnetics
i ultimately found solace in your warm skin

III.
why can't I remember any of it?
cold air hits my face like a slap from above
crowns crash so loudly when they hit marble floor
your lungs are black and full of worms
you never metamorphosed
it's better that way

IV.
my lips inflate as my heart sinks
black gets blacker and white gets whiter
tan stays tan, it is the Earth and we are the Earth
scratchy voices and a hundred expletives
your hands on my *******
god I can't even look you in the eye you're so stunning
ink on ink
brewing cauldrons and sipping spells
nothing has been the same since our lips touched

it goes from black and white to color so quickly
pulsating
over and over
socked toes curling back
knees quaking
delicious
head floats over neck
vertebrae crack
yum

"I still have your books. Do you want to grab them and maybe get tea with me?"
Nov. 1st 2013

"I'm so sorry for bothering you last night."
Nov. 25th 2013

"You are killing me. I ******* hate that we can't talk."
Dec. 19th 2013

"I saw that you've been listening to Tom Waits' "Small Change" I hope you think about me when you listen to it."
Jan. 21st 2014

"God, do you know how ******* happy I am that we are getting back together?"
Feb. 10th 2014

"Please don't let this be the last time we talk. I can't lose you again."
Feb. 14th 2014

"Wow dude. You are ****** up. Your friends told me everything you've been doing."
Feb. 15th 2014

"You have no idea how much it means to me that you texted me about graduating. I was thinking about you during the entire ceremony and wished you were there to meet my parents."
May 16th 2014

"I wish you were here. It's my birthday."
July 12th 2014

"Happy Birthday. I remember last year when we went out with your family and it was so much fun. I love your family so much."
August 29th 2014

"I'm finally letting you go. I'm laying down the weight of you. I still love you, but I finally realize that I will never get to see you again or hear your voice. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it. Maybe one day we'll be able to talk but I'm not going to be hopeful about it anymore. I hope your dog is okay."
Oct. 23 2014

I.

We exchanged sterling rings beneath a massive willow that wept for us as we carved our names into her and mutilated the thick skin of her base.

II.

You smelled like oak and patchouli and I smelled like gratuitous humility to be wrapping myself up around you like silver paper on a precious stone.

III.

You wore white and I wore black to match our deepest energies that whirl and dance and create beautiful creamy grey when we make love.

IV.

Under twinkling, tiny lights that looked like stars or fairies we linked pinkies amongst the dwindling sun light and an anxious moon.

V.

Our bodies begin to melt and disintegrate because the sparks are becoming too electrified and molten.