Somehow I knew
Your words meant nothing
Your apologies
Were rehearsed
You made excuses but
I still was willing to accept it
Until you did it again
Several times
Why couldn’t you at least
Wait a few months
Then I could be tricked
That it was my fault

One search away
I used to research for hours
Reading each label
Hoping one will have the answer
But now I have it
Clear skies
Everyone sound asleep
The blue swing I lay my head on
Staring at the stars
Taking them
One by one
Taking my last breath

I don’t know how to tell you this
So I know you’ll read this
I broke my promise
But
Not badly
Does that make it better?
I didn’t know how to tell you in text
Every time I write you
I don’t know what words to use
I love you
Your my big sister
Not biological but close enough
And I am truly
Sorry
But I know that means nothing
Cause I did it on purpose
I could have not
But I just needed to feel
Something different

They say home is where the heart is
I lost my heart ten years ago
The missing posters still plastered up
Everyone stopped looking

The most alone I’ve felt
When I know they are just a
Message away
I still have never felt so alone
Because I know that nothing can be done
With this emptiness

I don’t know how much I would pay
But I would give more than money
To have a pack
And be at your house
Giving you a hug
Getting to sleep in a room
That was meant for me
That has been set aside for me
I would still take one and enjoy
Each drag while sitting on your steps

The safe place where people go in there
Mind
My mind is full of cobwebs
there is no safe corner
Black Widows have taken over
I leave to the abyss
Filled with twinkling lights
Where no man can breathe
Where I feel truly at peace

The same words over and over again
Normally I would hate it
But somehow
it reminds me of good times
Times when I didn't have to hurt myself
Cause you were there
To hurt me

Titles
The only thing that stops me
How do I name the pain I’m feeling
Just one?
Please stop?
Trapped?
They never truly explain how I feel
The pain is deeper then
The pale skin
I’m trying to draw
Red lines on

The future
It weighs on my chest
Knowing that
I will feel the same
For three more months
Maybe it won’t end there
Maybe this is the new normal

Concern is all I felt for him
I knew I was doing the same
But he scared me
Taking glass from
His shattered phone
To go deeper
He questioned if I use the
Same coping mechanism
Because I would never show him
But why did I have to show him
To make him believe me?
Now every time
I think it’s not enough
I think it’s not truly bad enough
Because he can never see it

Sea shells
Collecting them on the beach
Trying to make jewelry out of sea ****
Who knew that one sea shell
On that coast
Would be the most beautiful one
Inside and out
Listening to the soothing sounds of
The wave’s crashes echoing forever
That shell sticks with me
Like true family
Even though I found it on that coast
Only a year ago

Across the country
There is a safe haven there
No one can hurt us there
You said
I should have never believed you
There may be a war happening
At home
But you are killing me in silence

The stereotypical
Crimson flowing down a page
But that’s all I want to write about
I want to feel the relief it would bring
I know the addiction would begin again
But at least then
I’d have those thoughts filling my mind
Instead of whatever these muted thoughts
Are