Somewhere between the best and the worst

Lana said it right, we put our love first

As I take it down and it fills me up

All I can think is This is love.

Brand new sights and mind expansion

Spinning around, high and dancing

With a temporary sense of euphoria

Comes the eye opening drag of hysteria

Desire and jealousy fuel my time

While half empty became a regular night

Lights and vibrations, my smile is bliss

Purely soul searching as I lean in to kiss

the top of the world and all the stars

They welcome me with open arms

to be a part of all they are

Some days are harder than others.
It's 1pm and I'm still in bed.
I don't know what to do with myself.
What do people do with themselves?
Empty minded.
Reaching for something without physical effort.
Mental pictures.
Hoping.
Moping.
I can't give in like this.
But what else is there to do?

dark
   breathy voices
   bitter decisions left behind
   red, feathers, disperse with pressure
   sinking into you like so many times before
   ..like no time before
   this is a new house
   you are a new boy
     old memories join the gathered smoke
     trying to escape us
     there's a lack of ventilation
     a crack in the foundation

ill keep a glass of wine next to my bed tonight
i havent eaten much today and it is very bitter
but its taste is sweet compared to the taste of defeat
i feel so defeated
my hair is getting so long and it helps me feel pretty
when i dont even want to look in the mirror
all that stares back at me is a disappointed face
wondering where i've run off to
but i dont know where i am or where ive been lately
ill shake my head no to the thought of finding myself
but that is just my lack of self speaking up
covering my mouth so i can't figure it out
soon enough ill push the hand away and be free.
soon enough ill have the courage to be me.

I still get butterflies when you're on my mind
This feeling stays with me most of the time
I don't feel at home no matter where I go
I never have and fear I will never know

But your lips and those eyes, your hand in mine
Your love and embrace, all I see is your face
It's the closest to home that I ever feel
What we were wasn't perfect but it was so real

Patiently waiting, I'll try to remain
Afraid to approach you, not sure you're the same
But that is my fault, you are not to blame
For putting your walls up, you blew out your flame

he still writes about me
he still thinks about me
he claims indifference to my existence
but he still loves me
and i love the idea of him
it's so sad for him, though
because i love another's reality

I have high standards
I have high ***
Do you think it's bad manners
to sleep with an ex?

Was a quick **** more important than my trust?
Three strikes and you're out, your chances are up

I'm throwing in the towel
Your thoughts must be so shallow
Never thinking through the decisions that you make
Never realizing what you're throwing away

Impulse is understandable
You should know I understand
I just wanted honest answers
I'm sure it was unplanned

It's the dishonesty that truly bothers me
I'd sell myself out to let you know I'm really me
But you're quite the opposite, I really just don't see
How you hold your head up high and deny reality

Has my faith in you been a mistake since day one?
I've stood up for you since our friendship had just begun
I thought you'd have my back and be there for me too
I guess you simply lack to see the good in me..
we're through

Five years old
Tear down white picket fences
Stability thrown out the window
along with his clothes, a television, smashed on impact, and normality.
Six or so
Tear me apart from the inside out
Wrath directed at my true role model
Years and years and years
Fears and tears revealed
Best friends hugging in the front yard
Salty cheeks, we're up til midnight and get to go to school late the next morning.
Abandon me like in the past
Nothing good will ever last

I want to trace an imaginary line across your skin
I wish to calm you
Feel your lungs fill and empty deeply
Calm is us
Your jawline pressing lightly into my palms
Brush my thumbprint over your cheekbone
I am captured by your gaze

Our souls slow dance in a dim lit room, but they see each other perfectly
And they are dancing in sync with no music
They need no external source of fuel to enhance the flame
The two entities rear a roaring fire on their own
One in the same
Two became one
No need for explanations
Second guessing doesn't exist
We get it

I've smoked five cigarettes today
I'm not blaming you for that,
I just wish you'd go away

trading vices
but there's not much of a difference
a few drags, your red flags, both an addiction

a temporary head high
ease in the moment
with an unavoidable fatality

Wine and unpacking
Something is lacking
I left it behind
But there's not a sign
Not even a trace
I can't see your face
Am I just a disgrace
Who can't find her place?

I hate that I can't be the one to tell you
that when you tell me things and push me, you're pushing me farther from you
It's like you try to pull me close and pull too tight, I fall right through you
You say my character shows, when really it's me playing a character
But you can never do wrong, that's where you're wrong, boy you're so arrogant
I wish you'd see things through my eyes, cloudy skies and I forgot my umbrella
I used to be the one to come clean quick, but you would never tell me
So I learned from you and decided that ignorance is bliss
And honestly I'm not sure you're something I'll miss

I don't think anyone is really their truest self among others

We acknowledge coexistence and hide it under the covers

We can't help it, it's a natural occurrence

But we can't change it either,

these different versions among us

We can try though, to force friendships and bonds

But why force anything when no one seems fond?

Dependence and loneliness
Texting to reminisce
Mentally guarded now
Feel so much smarter now
Giving in to you is the easy route
So I'll trade short term fun for an internal dispute
How could I turn back after all this time?
You want me, so I'm there on the drop of a dime
Not anymore, now I just need the cure
So I'll search high and low for something pure
To bring me to a new place
where I'm able to embrace
Exactly who I'm meant to be
Whether or not you disagree
It's finally my turn to steer
I'm getting over my fears.

No matter the immensity of tragedy in my day to day
There is no ache harsher than your absence

Someone could be perfect for you
And you could be beautiful together

Someone could be your paradox
And make your blood boil

Someone could make you feel calm
And safe.

Someone could make you melt
With discomposure

But when weighing the pros and cons
None of this matters
Love chooses for us

I find comfort in the emptiness of the night
The hum of vacant streets and useful sheets
I relate to the eeriness of crickets and wonder if the bear is outside my door
looking for a midnight snack of scraps
(or looking for a friend, perhaps?)

And I feel beautiful.

And I feel alone.

And I feel calm.

And I feel whole.

Cheers.

Neutral. No ups and downs. Careless. Distracted. It's nice. It feels healthy. Ironically, my health is **** right now. But it's mind over matter and the matters don't seem to bother my mind. I think I'm grasping the concept of contentment and holding onto it easily. Effortlessly. It comes easy. I'm thinking clearly more often than previously. Not often enough for full satisfaction but improvement gives light to my dark days. Dark hours. Dark times are sort of seldom in light of a new mindset. Crossing my fingers in hopes for more than temporary. I need a real change, not a flip flop of thoughts due to a flip flop of events. I control the inside. Peace begins with me. Peace begins with me.

Lonely nights, she waited but made sure she looked good
In case his plans could include a quick hello, or a nice drive
She sat in her doubt, slept with her loneliness, got drunk
on the idea of his presence and just how wonderful his eyes sparkled
when he swore he would rather lay with her confusion
than step foot in that life one more time, but he has to
Just once more. Just once. He has potential for permanence which he is blind to. Everything is a drug. Or at least has the opportunity
to get you high with the thought of exclusion, you and him. Him and I.

one step forward
ten steps back
glass that's falling
will soon crack
it always gets better before it gets worse
but better isn't coming and i am a curse
falling forever like alice down the hole
breaking on the way down, ill never be whole
faith in tomorrow and faith in myself
isn't enough to escape from this hell

My chest caves with every passing day
I try to be okay alone, and I can be
But the way your heart beats..
It doesn't feel right not to feel it with mine
I am to blame

If I would take a bullet in the chest for you why do I refuse to talk about the future? We both quiver at the thought of forever, yet we hold so tightly to the idea of prolonged togetherness.

only time will tell
the sick from the well
so come out of your shell
and give them hell

i dont want to use it
but i can draw a perfect mental picture of it sitting in my kitchen
to the left of the stove in the top drawer, in front of silver oven mitts
i dont want to use it
but i dont know what can take this pain away and stop my chest from caving in and my sighs from getting deeper and my breaths from getting faster with less space in between them to relax
i dont want to use it
but i can no longer relax
i need to feel the pain
seeping out of my skin onto the floor where i've been too many times before
i am weak
but i am not that weak
i wont use it

I've grown accustom to rejecting attention
Reflecting interest and asking the questions
Control conversation so I don't give much away
I'll redirect the focus if it starts to stray
Our relationship is your contribution
This weekend you found your substitution
I guess I can't blame you for seeing her
I hate myself, that night's a blur
Though I prefer not remembering much
That Tuesday night, I remember your touch
Your aggressive eyes
My willing body
I was so surprised that you wanted me
You're the heaven that exists in this hell
The only secret I'm dying to tell
Our chemistry seems perfect to me
A mix of our toxicities
I'm the acid, you be the base
Meet me in the middle
Show me your face
Give me your taste
Give me your strength
I'll give you my everything
For you I'll change

I tend to notice patterns in human behavior
Why must I read people like ******* novels
Each page turned magnifies their intentions
But what are their truest intentions?
Combine the anxious doubt with potential
and I've got myself a recipe for destruction
I like it better when I'm all alone
I think with honesty, their thoughts are unknown.
Weighed down with questions of self worth
I'm better off thinking only of my own intentions
But if that's the case I should be more cautious
Taking a sly chance can be detrimental
when your romance is self-sacrificial
and all your friends seem temporary
*The quest for permanence becomes scary

Every time I pass your old house with the horses
I blow a kiss and I wish I could focus
I'm caught up on you and wish I could show it
You're so far away but I know that you know it

I still wear your shirts to sleep when I'm feeling lonely
Is it a bad thing that you still feel like home to me?

The kid next door
chases me into the night
with a smile and a spilling drink
Tonight will end alright

The kid next door
converses with wise men
who tell him how lucky he is
While I feel just as blessed

The kid next door
never took me for granted
but made me chase him too
And it was magic

But things change
and sadly,
The kid next door
lives nowhere near me

He's a Brooklyn baby, he's oh so shady
The stars in my eyes make his look so hazy
"You're amazing, you're amazing,"
I'm high and dry, it's hell he's raising
I was so blinded, I think I've gone crazy
Thought we'd have a shot, but he'd never chase me
Emotions run hot, the fire is blazing
He called all the shots, I'm begging, "Just hate me."
But he left me waiting..he just left me waiting
My blue eyes bolted, I've folded, parading
Good times make all the trouble start fading
So he chases the moon with a Staten Island lady
My stars won't die down, and he's just downgrading
With nothing left to save, there's no more debating
He's spiteful and yelling, but all that I say is..
It was fun while it lasted,
Good luck, Brooklyn baby

I crave the curves of your arms, and how you graze my naked skin with your keen sense of touch.
But I'll treat this lust as a taboo to be sure I'm still withdrawn.

I want the luxury of you
gazing through, behind the fiery strands,
a beam of ire with sporadic desire. The utter spark
of elation burned up long ago, and now your eyes hold nothing but memories
of amity. Mine are weighed down
with dreaded speculations of tomorrow. But
the horror of tomorrow's plague does not yet rest on me.
In this moment the only vice I need is your skin against mine.

If I could have any power
I would want to view myself from others' perspectives
To know what they think about when they look at me
when they talk to me
Maybe I remind someone of their cousin
Maybe someone thinks I'm perfect,
Maybe someone doesn't.
Maybe someone sees my flaws,
Maybe someone sees the war
playing out inside of me
Battles fought solo will never be won
I'll shoot out my words like an unloaded gun
Eager to fire but not much to lose
Soon I'll retire and reveal the truth

this turned out to be a day as horrible as the rest
just when i think life is good i get hit with another test
im a ******* loser who cant even maintain friends
without a thought in my head im cutting my loose ends
**** the fake ******* who call themselves genuine
I'd rather lose by myself than stick with them and win

When I'm with him, everything feels easier
But everything is so complicated
I'm tiptoeing and peeking around corners before entering rooms
I don't want to close the door and have it lock behind me.
I can't risk this again, but I don't seem to be getting any better at staying tame..He's insane...

I don't want to hear from you
But I keep checking my phone
I want it to die
So you'll leave me alone

You should learn that image is something you buy
Return worn out friends and gives new ones a try
I kept all my good ones right here by my side
To remind me sometimes it's okay not to fly
But one day you'll have to stop being so shy
Your voice alway cracks when you sing while you cry
The last image that I want carved in my mind
Is one of you saying you wish that you'd die

clear blue skies
clarity
i know what i want
two hearts beat parallel
stroll hand in hand
cherish the presence
the lurking feeling of visible love
they are delusional to think we aren't good together
naivety is not worn best by us
it is no longer fitting
a mutual understanding fits us much better
bold, open
we feel free

Opened my eyes
Open road
I must have dreamt of you
Because upon awakening I felt close to you again
I passed some trees that remind me of our car rides
They were dancing merrily as I passed
Limb-like branches sprouting off in every direction
Waving their arms in the wind
A line of dancers
Eager to impress passerbys

You've hit rock bottom and you aren't sure why but you're finding comfort in knowing you have nothing. Nothing to lose and nothing to gain. Nothing to prove and no one to blame but yourself. You need help. But when no one really sees past your desperate eyes made of glass, they will not break, won't show pain to a single soul..to the outside eyes you seem so whole..why should I share my tears with the ones not suffering? I want to be like them. They are my models of inspiration. Why would I risk watering down the smiles when this will only last a while.."Fake it til you make it" has never made so much sense to me. So I will follow their lead until I no longer bleed. Then I can be the leader of my own path. For now my path is blocked off by doubt and by fear. I just need someone to hear. I just need someone here.

When you hold the guilt all you do is wait.

Wait and hope

that you’ll eventually cross the mind with a sense of anything other than fury

Anger hides true emotion.

Hope is all I have

Hope that passion is channeled in a way that flushes the toxins that are anger from the body

The thought process is a beautiful thing.

But it can turn to destruction as fast as it is beauty

So I hope. It’s truly all I can do.

Days feel like weeks, hours like days.

Minutes like individual time stamps telling me I’m closer.

I just have to make it a little longer, I tell myself.

Just keep hoping, waiting, and whatever you do

Don’t **** up.

I won’t **** up.

Not again.

But once the anger is gone

I’m afraid of what may come next.

just because you love someone with all your heart
doesn't eliminate the opportunity for you to spread your love
love everyone and everything
love the walls around you, love the air you breathe, love the people who brought you into this world and the ones who brought them into this world, love your friends, love their friends, love your neighbor
there is enough love in your heart for everyone, including you. so love yourself first, but don't keep your love. give it to everything.

Where'd you go?
I look for you under my sheets
Under my skin
Under my surface
Feelings surface
But feelings have no home now
I love a ghost of what once was
But no longer exists

I'm a sucker
The spark we created when our eyes met has died down
and burnt out
There's no doubt

Some things aren't meant to last forever
No matter how beautiful
No matter how perfect
Maybe nature is running its course
and we have to let go
I hope it isn't so

Maybe one day we will cross paths
and with the slightest glance
everything will fall back into place

Maybe one day...

I am idling.
Energy escapes through the open window, while the window of opportunity remains cracked on the far side of the room.
A mountain of doubt so high, I'm afraid I may fall upon climbing.
Afraid I may fail upon trying.

She's probably not a genius
But she probably thinks she is
The way she keeps her eyes closed
for a second after you kiss

She seems to have a lot of good friends
But they're mostly just irrelevant loose ends
So she'll tie them up in a knot
She's so passionate but she forgot

I mentioned that I like my bedsheets white and ivory
I feel clean and pure
Tangled within them, we are pure
After a while you left,
splitting our passion down the middle and bringing half of it with you,     leaving me calm and satisfied
I lay here tonight, hours later, still disrobed
Still calm
Still satisfied
This bed, along with my hands..my hair..my inhales...
They sense only your scent
I am calm
I am satisfied

Is it completely crazy for me to want to date other people so I can mess things up, put the pieces back together and learn from it? I want the combination of experiences to teach me how to love you selflessly, better than ever before, so it won't be your heart that aches once more.

I want to break you
The difference between this poem and others is
I am not referring to you

I want to break all of you:
Who smirk when I walk by
Who hate to see me cry
Who undress me with their eyes
Each and every guy

That way it will not be me
Who can't sit at home writing poetry
Without shedding tear after tear
Without loving year after year

So I wear my shield of "heart on sleeve..."
You'd run if you knew what was underneath

There are land mines under your skin
is that the reason you won't let me in?
Fully, I mean; there's parts that I've seen
But you've built a wall, it's tough and it's tall
and I doubt you'd know how to break through at all.
Even if you tried to climb, you'd probably fall.
How many bridges can two people share?
You burn them all down and leave me to repair.
You should try to approach a bridge that we've built,
take my hand and cross it, without giving me guilt.
I'd travel across waters with you
on the bet that maybe someday you'd be true.
Do you not see what you've put me through?
This wall I've torn down to get closer to you?
At any moment you're destined to blow
Your current grabs me, I'm stuck in the undertow