i hate to be graphic and upsetting, but i need to write this. please refrain from reading.

first thing on my mind is
harm
what i feel like i deserve is
pain
it is not even a coping mechanism to me anymore
it has become routine
i fixate on it
i need to do it
i have to or else
i cannot bear to be myself
in my cold skin
i can't even look in the mirror
i'm a ******* monster
the slow sensation on my arm
is relieving and reassuring
that i am still deserving of it

i remember when i was 13
and i grabbed my weapon
and ran to my room
shut the door
turned out the light
sat down on the floor
and wept
if only i had known
what i was getting myself into
fast forward 5 years
and i am still there
on the floor

the reaction from my mother when i confessed
shocked me and took me by surprise
how could you be mad at me
i thought to myself
but now i realize why
i was her masterpiece
never to inflict harm on myself
and there i was
ruining what was hers
my skin

it's always there
most times a burden
other times a sign of resilience
a reminder of my monster
my corrupt side
of low self-esteem and self-worth
that i seem to never gain back
i won't ever hide it
i won't ever get rid of it
because i can't

i am not proud
most people say i'm a pathetic fool
crying for attention
desperate for others to see
but no one ever notices
and it lets me know
that it will always be
my little secret
a habit that was once by choice
but now by force

i wonder if i will ever grow out of it
like they said i would
years ago
i have accepted the fact that
i love it
and will never let it go

Stuck on the edge of a broken keyboard
typing and telling the stories
that have branded my skin
a different shade of moral
you see where I come from
abandoned alleys speak louder
than the busiest boulevards
people aren’t as friendly
as they seem in the pamphlets
it’s halloween year round
with the masks everyone
hides behind
every honest answer
is cut with a lie
and we have a habit
of getting high
on everyone else’s mistakes
but our own.

Sitting here patiently
Waiting for
A good laugh
Or a nice smile
As i sit in this black hole
Shredding my emotions away
Happiness
Sadness
Anger
All gone
The ways to express your well being
Dead
And gone
As if i were
Just born

I can’t help but smile
as the crowd goes wild
the buzzer sounds
no rebound
nothing but net
dripping in sweat
wrist flicks back
time to attack
toes behind the 3 point line
the moment is all mine
my hands anxiously receive the ball
time slows down to a crawl
the pass seems to teleport
she dribbles the ball up the court
ten seconds to go
two points down

Instead of worrying, I listen
Turn off the endlessly pouring spout of inner monologue flooding my senses
and listen

There is music in silence, a kind of symphony made by the absence of what could be there and yet
What is not

I see something
that makes want more,
but I placed my heart in a drawer.
I feel steady
until the ground shifts,
leaving me edgy.
I'm trying to forget the old
and borrow the new.
Everything seems familiar
with you.
Car rides and kisses
and you raise my spirit
even though
my heart was left on the floor

this is the last time you'll drag your dagger through my mind
im silencing the thoughts
readjusting the locks
just to keep you out.
don't try and break in,
theft is in your blood and im not yours to steal.
your mask won't trick me the next time
your face is engrained in my mind
and i'll never forget
i could never forget
i'm just out of things to give
so please stay out this time.