i found your spirit
laying at my feet
upon the ground
it was a tattered sheet
transparent threads
shreds of a spider web
i gathered in my arms
careful as glass
a sad mess
your sorry soul
i found it
i loved it
and i knew it was mine

i'm too tired
   to even think
i've burned all my memories of you
and i am now focusing on
       self-love.

a silent scream in my bones
hollow harrowing thorns
acid rain cacophany
words whisp off hot sidewalks
vanishing into thin air
intentions crumbling
dried black roses

poison darts
my rice-paper heart
alert and acute
to the wrong signs
a child digging worms
for a sunny fishing day
freshly hatched baby vipers
deadly fangs felt like kisses
somehow betrayed
by youthful innocence

sweet daughter
little girl with curling hair
one day she'll hate that hair
and terrorize it
with styling machines.
sweet child holds her mother's hand
looks into motherly eyes
with awe
in a couple of years
she'll look into those eyes
with uncertainty.
soft cheeks, rosy lips
will one day crush a boy's heart.
or her heart should be crushed.

sunlight reflected in broken
jagged fragments
on the wings of an aeroplane flying north
deep in the valley of organs and
warm trickling blood.
she haunts my thoughts as a distant terror
a threat to the happiness
weaved between weathered fingers
she'll take him away
take away
with the fluctuations of her voice
cutting raw wounds in the back of
my throat.
//calmly wait
passion resonates with a sticky wet
presence
clinging wet clothes to curves.
he sees my thighs
with appraising eyes.
you must belong to me::
to my sacred heart beats--
no thoughts of california and the wreckage
she should bring

cousin,
it is judgment day.
the day of my
reckoning
and
  it
is
  y  e  a  r  s
in the making.



one is
l o s t.
cousins are strangers
     and friends
since childhood
sharing
   family   secrets
             jokes   joys   sorrows

all eleven are
at a distance
   not  my
         best friends
   but my family

you, cousin
i chose
   to keep even farther away
and for this
i am
| ashamed |

i quietly watched
as a child
a teenager
a woman

your father
a man made of
   an unbounded source
of love
strength
character
         creativity
cousin,
if your father
   makes me love him so
    just by being who he is
         i cannot imagine
the love you had
          for him as your very own father.
cousin,
if your father
makes me laugh
             at his jokes
and makes every child
love him instantly
i cannot imagine
       how you
looked  up to him
as his son.
cousin,
if your father
makes me believe
    there are still good
  men and fathers and uncles
i cannot imagine
     the pride you felt
   when you looked upon his face.


your mother
a woman absolutely
   driven by
positive energy
       love and determination
cousin,
if your mother
   blows me away
with her love for you
i cannot imagine
how you felt in
        the love she
    surrounded you in
every
single
moment
of your life.
cousin,
if your mother
   makes other people's lives better
       i cannot imagine
             how you felt
as you watched her
    lovingly do her damnedest
     to give you your independence.

cousin,
if i watch your parents together
and feel love
      radiating from them
feel determination
through thick and thin…
i cannot imagine
      how you felt
  looking upon them together
when they didn't know
you were watching
knowing all that they did
was for you.

your sister
a friend
   a caretaker
  an instigator
     an indefinable part of you

cousin,
i watched you and your sister
   act like any other siblings
i babysat you
  when you were young
    but i did not see
   your time alone together
    i did not hear
                 your conversations as
     you learned and grew
         but i can imagine that
      life would have
been unbearable
without your sister
i can imagine
     that having her support
meant everything to you
because i have siblings
i can imagine these things
    and i would cling to my brother and sisters
your love for your sister
must have been like
   a cup overflowing.

and as i watched
i held back
  i could have given more
i could have been your
    friend
  i could have made
      your too short life
  easier
      better
  somehow….i could have
      done something and i didn't.
i watched your family
   in their grace
i watched you in your courage
   and i folded.
i didn't want to know you
     any more than i had to
   because i didn't want to have
  to lose you
         like i knew i would
    i selfishly had a choice
unlike you.
unlike your beautiful family.
and for this i curse myself.
i feel this reckoning
and i confess it
and i carry it
but i just couldn't do it, Ben.