You said that you've been watching me for years.
You said that I keep you steady here, on the ground.
I'm not a girl for you to pursue, you said,
just a girl to look at when things get crazy.
Just a girl who has got your balloon head
tied to her wrist.
We're barely past strangers
and I don't know how your hands have pried open my skull and bones
so you can inspect.
You never asked permission.

You said your resolution for this year is
to stop thinking about me.

My life will be one of those magic tricks
where I ask you to
"pick a card, any card,"
and you do and you memorize it and put it back in the pile
and I shuffle the deck and try to give you the right card
but I don't know how to do this trick,
and even though there's a tiny chance I could hold up your card,
I never get it right.
That's what my life will be like
and I don't know how I feel about that
or even how I should feel about that
and I don't know what to do about it.

A tri-pod death
One-two-three
You should have seen
The way my sister looked at me
It was such a surprise
I looked at her widened eyes
She didn't understand why I cried
Sadness turned to rage
It wasn't her fault, but her age
I crumpled up the page
That brought the news
My parents sister, niece, and nephew
My fists turned black & blue
I was only six years old
Didn't grasp how fire made them cold
Of all these things that I was told
I screamed and couldn't understand
Why God, had used his hand
I think that's when I turned my back
On the promise of his promised land
The hardest part was the coffins size
One for an adult, a teenager, and a tiny child
Older, I later went and apologized
To my sister for the things I said
She didn't remember the words I bled
But it relieved me when she said forgive &
Forget

I think
we all think
we're different.
I think
everybody thinks
they're alone
and nobody understands
and life is
so
*******
hard.

Sometimes I look out of open doors
take a cold sip of juice
and life doesn't seem so difficult
because it's easy to be sad.

Tonight I realized,
I really am alone.

Directly linked to you
I enjoy the feeling
Of cold pillows
But it's ruined
As I feel my life line
Tug like a little string
On the inside of my
Ribcage as you
Move up and down
Jerking my string
With you while
Another string of
Another women
Is in your tightened
Fist

"I don't want anymore heartbreak,
                  I'm tired of the sound it makes."

I feel like Cruella DeVille,
Smoking a capri
In brand new clothes
Because Christmas
Just happened
Why did, when I opened
All of the gifts from
Family & friends,
Did I long for a person
To step out of a box
And wrap their arms
Around me?
To take them back
To my apartment
So we could sit on
The mattress on the floor
Smoking my little
DeVille cigarettes
And drinking a,
Previously unopened,
Bottle of bourbon
In my now,
Newly gifted
Star Wars mugs