you

always you
my mind always finds it way back to you
you who was my first taste
my first touch, my first all consuming fire
we had our passion in the darkness
and our romance in the light
you were a magnet, I was steel
and try as I might, I could not fight

you

it was a tug, then a pull, then a force to be reckoned with
and once we collided that was it
we were twisted and tangled together
we were a knot that couldn’t come undone
we pushed and pushed and pushed together
till I didn’t know where my heart ended and your hand began

you

the months passed and still we held
we intertwined our bodies and souls
it was sweet and it was right
it was the bond that sealed our fate
for we created a spark inside me
I felt a new life for the first time
and cried “oh God what is this?!”

you

we thought we were mountains
and our eyes could see what loomed on the horizon
we could see what was in front of us
but we should have looked below
our mountain was on quicksand
and you were slipping down

you

I watched as you slipped, unable to move
unable to breathe, unable to feel
when all I had was your fingertips to hold on to
I cried “NO! you will not take this from me!”
“you will not rip my heart out with you!”
but you did anyway
you still have pieces of it under your fingernails

you

you who were once my confidant
my passion, my lover
you who once inspired words of love
you now inspire words of pain and rage
what I once knew as love was now betrayal
and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

you

you who left me for her
left our blossoming flower to shrivel up and die in the winter
left the heart you once praised as your equal
for a cheap, side show imitation
left me alone on that mountain with that spark in my womb
never to return until you felt like it

you

I see you every time I look in our son’s eyes
the eyes I used to look into and see a world only I could see
the eyes that I can look into now and feel love again
he is the only way I have learned to love you again
but while he is a part of you, he is not you
he is you version 2.0, the new and improved

you

now you will always be a part of me
our bond we sealed will carry on even if you’re not around
because even though I mended my heart
you still took those pieces with you
the difference now is that my heart can beat without

you

If only you knew how I feel inside
How hopeless and obedient I am to my thoughts
The dark and twisted fallacies that engulf all reason
Until fatal treason against myself is unleashed
And the cold, black rivers that run within my soul
Flow from the  sharp, frosted peaks of my brain,
Down through the forest of insecurity and insanity,
Avoiding my heart like it was the plague,
Around the city of fear,
Past the valley of tears,
And out of my mouth like bullets from a gun....

And just like that, I have shot you down
But that gun should have been pointed at me
And now you're gone, you're victim to a coma
The vicious possibility that you may never return
Haunts me relentlessly, like a nightmare that never ends

I'm going to try to save you
But you can only be saved if you want to..

If only you knew what I feel inside
If only you knew how much I wish I could rewind time
If only you knew that I need you to come to..

If only you knew
If only you knew
If only you knew..


1/24/11

Is it wrong to want to see you
to know just where we stand
To take a walk along the beach
together hand in hand.

To talk about each other
and say just what we feel
about this and that and everything
just the thought seems so surreal

Is it possible to find someone
who's both a lover and a friend
As our boundaries of discussion
have no limits, have no end

And that for me, well its a first
to be so open, laid so bare
yet without slightest hesitation
we let ourselves be guided there

I cant help but think and wonder,
as I sit here on the sand
when we'll walk here together
you and I just hand in hand.

When we're naked, lying in bed
with our bodies pressed together
When we are how I imagined,
pretended with my pillow,
when we were apart
When I keep squirming closer and
we keep giggling
it still isn't enough

Now that we're enacting all I imagined
it still isn't enough
we're restrained
separated
I just want to be as close to you as possible and I'm trying and we're
close,
so maddeningly close but
it still isn't enough

Because we can't escape from this cage,
this cage of our bodies.

When you give up what you believe in?
When you lose the last shred of your childhood?
When you let lust get in the way of finding love?
When you let one kiss go too far?
These questions.... Have no answer.
Innocence is neither obtained nor lost.
Because innocence is non-existent.
We are all pawns in this game called life.
No one being is pure.
We all have evil streaming within our blood.
Some... Spend their whole lives acting
as though innocence consumes their being
and the rest of us embrace out imperfections.
Realizing the innocence is unobtainable.
Innocence... Neither obtained, or lost.

I can't feel you,
my mind is in a blur.
There's nothing to do,
as I see you with her.

You're standing next to me,
but the ice is so cold.
What do I have to be,
to fit into your mold?

A tear snatched away,
the avalanche has arrived.
The end of the same old day,
and I have still survived.