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Death a cruel mistress
Really such a tease
My life is such a mess
I'm shaking at the knees
Will you let me rest?
Let me rest in piece?
We've met once before after my distress
And my soul you did not release
Did you consider it an act of jest
When I got my heart to cease
Its beating in my chest
Is that why you did not feast?
I don't understand but I digress
Out of all the lost souls, you desired mine the least
To Death I'm a reject. A reject at best.
Even in death I can't seem to please
You lit me up
and took the first long drag
of my innocence.

I felt so alive!

I burned with orange
and red intensity
as you inhaled me
into the warm and
darkest depth of your chest.

As I swirled around
your beating heart,
I was one with you
in a vaporous peace.

Then the moment came
to evict me from your being.
The walls around your
pulsing heart suddenly
collapsed and expelled me
passed the puckered
wet lips that once
inspired my lust,
and I vanished
in the breeze.

All that remained of me
was a spent remnant of ashes
that you flicked into the wind
and extinguished me
forever.
She passed the second post it, using
a doctor to mark the pages of the confusing
book that touched me. And look,

she knows what's coming. I seem
sick, but in a good way, like a dream,
not like the people in the book.

She followed my directions, now
I play a waiting game, for thou.
She reads and reads, but doesn't cry.
Everyone has, so I don't know why.

I promise I'll try to help you feel,
but there is no try, there's only do.
I wish to be the one that turns it real,
I wish just once to make her say ooh.
I see them in my mind
Count them as they fall
Glittering red jewels
Do not loose them all

One
Parents split
Two
Mom doesn't understand
Three
No one loves me
Four
I hurt him
Five
He devoured my innocence, I thought I loved him
Six
It wasn't love, it was ****
Seven
I can't tell my friends
Eight
Judgement, if anyone knows
Nine
They all hate me
Ten
Inadequacy
Eleven
Alone
Twelve
No one understands
Thirteen
Oh God
Fourteen
....
Fifteen
My mom finds me
Sixteen
She sees my rubies
Seventeen
Screaming
Eighteen
Hospital
Nineteen­
Psych Ward
Twenty
They ask questions at school
Twenty One
I need to see my rubies again
Twenty Two
They make beautiful pictures
Twenty Three
I told you, and him
Twenty Four
Your sad faces hurt me
Twenty Five
You make me throw my pretty friends in the river
Twenty Six
I stop
For Daija,
You are beautiful.
I miss you.
I hope you really did stop.
I tried to help.
Tea
Tea
When we were first married
I used to count.
The lovely things you did
Just because you loved me.

One
A cup of my favourite tea when I wake up
Two
Kiss on my nose
Three
Morning laughter
Four
You make me breakfast
Five
I Love You

And then life knocks all that out of our routine.
One
You go to the bathroom
Two
Xbox
Three
Cereal for you
Four
Leave for work
Five**
I Still Love You

I miss the beginning.
I miss Tea in the morning
I write "you exist"
on the fragility of my wrist
because I need to remind myself
that this isn't a nightmare
and life has good parts too.

I need these words to fetter me
as if I were something solid
because I haven't felt that lately

I am the dead leaf
detached from branches
broken off from life

I am the echo in the mountain
too late
belonging to no one

I am the carving on the tree trunk
a reminder of a love already gone
fading, unnoticed

I am the falling star
burning, blazing
dead a million years.

I am nothing
but I exist.

I exist.
From you I learnt
that true love was
and endless cycle
of hello and good night.

Yet you and I
were stuck in a vortex
of stay and goodbye.
May blues. Memory traps.
Blank, blank.

"Go ahead and go."
No one sees the ugly scars
sadly that is no one but you
I see the loveliness you are
and soon I hope you will too

All they taught you was a lie
but now it’s up to you alone
you’d be it if you believed it
and claimed it as your own  

Being beautiful is a choice
not some gift for us to give
don’t let lies hold you back
you’re alive it’s time to live
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