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Hello sadness,
that comes and flows
like dark waters
full of rip tides.

I'm worlds away
drowning in the waters,
that are deep and churning,
i'm struggling to come back up.

I see the light that is the surface,
the only thing that keeps me swimming,
instead of sinking to the bottom,
like a rock.

A rock that has been carelessly thrown into the water,
never looked at,
never discovering the crystals within,
for they wouldn't rub away the dirt.

It's the light that's inside that pushes me upwards,
it prevents me from drowning.
It's the light on the surface that is my goal.
It's the light that gives me hope.

And hope makes me float.

I break free of the waters that held me back
and I want to join the light
as it dances on the surface,
asking me to dance with it.

Now I dance above the waters
that wanted to drown me.
But they are still there,
never leaving.

The waters won't leave me,
they're just waiting for me
to fall into their grip.
Their cold, tight grip.

But to me, it's okay.

For if there is one thing I learned,
is that if there is light dancing above the water,
I should swim upwards,
and join it.

For hope will always keep me afloat,
*even in the darkest waters.
I started this poem in the month of May. The only thing I had was the very first line, "Hello sadness" I have been reading through some poems lately and I noticed Timothy's poem "Depression" and I went straight to these two words and I just wrote. It's interesting what inspires you sometimes... Anyways, here is the poem that inspired me, http://hellopoetry.com/poem/816288/depression/ and I would like to say this to Timothy: Thank you for being an inspiration and a wonderful person to talk to whether it be about poetry or about problems. I hope that you're bout of depression passes quickly and I hope that maybe this poem shines a little bit of light on you and encourages you to dance with the light again. :) I also would like to say to the rest of you're little family: Hilda and Marian, you are wonderful people and I wish the same for the both of you, that you always continue to dance in the light and hang on to the hope and the happiness that is in your lives. :) For all three of you are a huge inspiration to me.
And to everyone else that reads my poems: You are all inspirations too, for if it wasn't for any of you, I wouldn't have kept writing, and on that note... You all will have to get used to me again because I'm back and I don't plan on going anywhere soon. :p <3
at our old retreat
tall glasses of sweet iced tea
air of moss perfume
prayer and books and quietude
amongst gently soughing pines

**~Hilda~
Dedicated to my dear husband Timothy
© Hilda August 22, 2014
•  ^  •
<   O   >
< >



Arise

//  //

Feel the rhythm and it's magic



ALL of the Rhythm
ALL of the Magic

••

This is what's being stolen

Don't you know ?

//

On the wild sun day we appear

Naked moonlight and stars that shine
and tell the message we
Need to remember

The one containing all our names



Being free

Free the slaves within your heart and you are free

/::/

A million stories in one word
A million words in every story

..

We meet we merge mate and combine

And start the dance all over again
To be perfectly honest,
You went from my whole world to not even a part of it
I'd never admit I miss you
Put on a brave face around you
Make you think everythings okay
But my insides are crumbling with the need to see you again
To touch your skin
To be in your current interest

To be perfectly honest,
I feel as though a certain ***** has been ripped out of me
Somewhere near where my heart used to be
There is a gaping hole growing bigger every minute I don't see you.
I know where it is
It's in the palm of your hand
And the further apart we are
The less it starts to beat
I haven't seen you in so long
I'm really missing your embrace
I told myself I was strong
That it was just a crush
That I didn't need you
But if that was true, then why am I hurting so much?
I refuse to allow myself to cry
I must stay strong
but "staying strong"are just words
Words you say when you don't want to get involved
They're intangible
And often unintelligible
They hold no meaning nor volume
Just two-dimensional scapegoats and
To be perfectly honest, I'm just really ******* missing you
I miss you a lot
Content to sit.
My mind sovereignly drifts.
To the possibility
that
competing you lose;
Like a person
who's shoes
Get torn up from
Trying to buy
new ones
.

I'm not too sure about this yearning and striving.
I'm convinced it lacks, a final destination,
These painful infinite tracks.

Look, I am no one.
And, I am sure I haven't attained it.
But, no; go on, go on.
What if you trained it?
I'm sure you could 'grasp' it.
I'm sure you will 'see',

Around that bend is nothing,
Except the mind of thee.

But when it comes to that
and This passes away,
Hearing what you've heard:
Will you go or stay?


This isn't a triviality,
It's very important, see.
That you grasp the idea
That  what it is you grasp at

-Is like smoke on the water.
hi
Nobody teaches you how to react when you are woken up by the people you live with as they are screaming obscenities at each other.
Nobody teaches you how to defend your mom against the one she chose to marry and his demeaning words, full of hatred and anger.
Nobody teaches you how to tell the phone operator what is happening while also trying to stop the tears that continue to pour from your already burning eyes.
Nobody teaches you how to pry a 45 year old from a 14 year old or how to stay safe until the police arrive at your house.
Nobody teaches you how to convince your brother to come back inside after running away into the cold, December winds in order to protect himself.
Nobody teaches you how to quickly and efficiently pack your belongings into three small bags when your home life escalates from bad to worse to hell-on-earth.
Nobody teaches you how to tell your friends that you will not be coming back to school.
And nobody teaches you how to survive when you are no longer welcome to live at the place you once called home.

Nobody taught me how to react when I was woken up by the people I lived with as they were screaming obscenities at each other.
I was not aware that standing outside my bedroom door – with every limb of my body cemented into place and stricken with fear, unable to move or even breathe, let alone defuse the situation – was worthy of being verbally attacked.
I did not know what to do when actions were required.

Nobody taught me how to defend my mom against the one she chose to marry and his demeaning words, full of hatred and anger.
I could not think of the right words to say to put an end to
the hysteria in which my mom was continuously put down and verbally spat upon.
I could not think of the right steps to take to ensure she would no longer fall victim to words that did not accurately describe her worth.
I did not know how to defend my own mother.

Nobody taught me how to tell the phone operator what was happening while also trying to stop the tears that continued to pour from my already burning eyes.
I did not know how to breathe properly - in and out, in and out - or how to put my words into coherent sentences or how to listen to what I was being told from the operator and my mom and the cacophony of other voices that were piercing my ears with every uttered sound or how to recall my name, age, and address.
I did not know how to make a simple phone call.

Nobody taught me how to pry a 45 year old from a 14 year old or how to stay safe until the police arrived at my house.
I never before had to witness the strength that adrenaline causes a scrawny, teenage boy to possess.
I never before had to witness the deranged sight of a pair of eyes when they are locked onto your only brother, waiting and wanting to hurt him in more ways than one.
I never before had to witness and endure the way in which seconds seem to last hours when waiting for the police to bring safety and an end to the nightmare that had become real life.
I did not know how to escape the paralyzing effect of pure, unfathomable fear.

Nobody taught me how to convince my brother to come back inside after running away into the cold, December winds in order to protect himself.
I did not realize that sometimes letting my younger brother run away from home is the best thing to do.
I did not realize that sometimes the police agree that you should not chase after kids who run away.
I did not realize that sometimes he would rather be cold than bruised.
I did not know how fast a person could run when he is scared.

Nobody taught me how to quickly and efficiently pack my belongings into three small bags when my home life escalated from bad to worse to hell-on-earth.
I could not differentiate between what items were wants and what items were needs, what items I needed to live and what items I needed to survive.
I could not differentiate between the voice of the police telling me to “hurry up” and the voice in my head telling me “you aren't going fast enough.”
I did not know how to move out.

Nobody taught me how to tell my friends that I will not be coming back to school.
I cannot absorb the questions that I am relentlessly asked: Yes, I am okay; No, I don't know what's going to happen; Maybe I will be able finish out the week.
I cannot absorb the look of disbelief and confusion in the eyes of my closest friends and even those who I can only call acquaintances.
I do not know how to leave my friends.

Nobody is teaching me how to survive since I am no longer welcome to live at the place I once called home.
I was not aware how quickly feelings can, and do, change from acceptance to rejection.
I could not think of what was going through my mom's head as she and her children were mercilessly attacked with both sentences and strength.
I did not know how to talk to the 9-1-1 dispatcher when my words were so desperately needed.
I never before had to witness such deep animosity within one household.
I did not realize that sometimes words hurt just as much as sticks and stones.
I could not differentiate between the sounds of stomping feet and the sounds of police banging on the door.
I cannot absorb the fact that I am not allowed to go back to the place I lived for four years.
*I do not know what to do.
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