Just can’t kick it.
Don’t know how to fight it.
Sick with grief.
No sign of relief.
My throat tightens,
My stomach churns.
Every night I yearn
To see you again,
To have your love
Hold me close.
Kiss away the pain,
Bring the peace of a dove.
Wrap your arms around me,
Pat my head.
Play these memories
And sit here alone instead

So sick
Tired of living without
Always in debt
Like the Californian drought
This ache never ends
My heart never mends
Because you left

Lost so many,
Loved so few.
My iron strength
now coming unglued.
Afraid of living—
Of failure, of success,
Dread “second best”.
I’m the choice they choose
when they choose to settle for less.

I have so much to give
But I’m scared someone will take
(And break) my heart
that’s already been broken,
And on the mend,
Then broken once again.

Get hurt without even trying
So if I try
I just might die
From the pain
That, right now, has me going insane.

She wears it well—
Better than any designer label.
Her eyes shimmer
With the slightest tear,
And a lifetime of tragedy.
She keeps it together,
Musters a smile,
And a “thanks for coming”.

She wears it well.

A hug and a kiss,
An “I’m sorry for your loss, miss”.
A thankful nod back
Into her practiced shell.
She wears it well—
Grief, that is.

Where do I put all this pain?
Is there a box made of steel
Where I can lock away all the hurt I feel?

How about a vault?
Or some kind of hidden chest?
Where I can throw away all my feelings
Except the best

I squirm with anger
Out of all control
Why do I let you do this to me?
A stallion to his foal
Would never kick with such force-
Leave a mark like this, a permanent bruise.

It’s been five years
And now you want to change?
Too little too late,
But you expect me to jump on board
Your sinking ship
With no hesitation,
Well, that I just can’t afford.

Because I’ve played that game
And lost over and over again.
There’s nothing left of me to lose this time-
My life is just on the mend;

I can’t weather another break in my sail,
Or my ship will go down
Right along with yours.
That’s what I fear most, more than “if I fail”.

You would like that though, wouldn’t you?
A companion to pull you all the way through
To the dark side--
Someone to blame
For all your mistakes
And for your downfall too.

I plead you to stop,
To just leave me out,
To take my feelings into consideration for once.

Instead, you strike repeatedly, causing blunt
Force trauma straight to my brain.
All this round-about
Is making me insane.

Too many forced rides
On this ferris wheel of terror,
Take me round and round,
Rock the carriage.

I beg for an escape,
But you always want more
Than I can take.

You come and go as you please
And you want my heart’s door to be wide open
Whenever you decide to return with ease?

Well honey it aint that easy-
Your turn to feel the burn,
The burn of being left
Alone
To fight life on your own.

Pretend like you don’t know the pain you made.
Go ahead, tell me it’s not a mistake.

“Could’ve should’ve would’ve”.
I’ve had all I can take.

Just let me be.
Can’t you see?
You’ve caused more than enough misery.

I can’t fight you anymore.
My knuckles, they’re getting too sore.
Forget about my heart-- it’s on the floor.

You want to play these emotional games,
But I’m through.
God didn’t know what He did to me
When he gave me to you.

Go on, live your life,
And I’ll live mine.
I’ve told you this already once before-
I mean it this time...

Goodbye.

You want to play this game? Bring on the pain.
Because I’ve been there, done that. It’s always the same:

I’m “immature” and a “spoiled brat”,
You blame me for the life you have.
Push comes to shove it’s too **** bad.

The picture perfect life you lack
Has faded to black.

You’re alone now,
You cut all your ties--
You’re chilled to the bone anyhow.
You left without so much as a “goodbye”.

Now sit and suffer the consequences
Of your own actions
And leave me in peace.

The beating vessel in my chest
Literally aches. Yours does too, I’ll bet.
But I, unlike you, am without regret.

All this wear and tear could **** if I’d let
It. But that’s the beauty of it all:
I won’t answer misery’s call.

I’m done with these foolish games.
You can sit behind your computer screen
And judge me from 3,000 miles away.
That’s perfectly fine with me.

You don’t know the person I’ve become.
I picked up all your broken pieces,
And now I’m finally done.

The last straw
Has been laid.
The price? I’ve already paid:
Countless tears and 20 years of an empty ache.

Take all you misery out on me,
Go right ahead
(I’m not listening).

And when I lay in bed
I will sleep like a baby,
Knowing you caused your own pain
And thinking, just maybe,
You'll realize all your mistakes.
Too little, too late.
I’m done.

I think you confused your job description with that of an ex-lover.
You were supposed to break my fall, not my heart.

You smashed it into pieces,
Left me shattered and alone.
I have never even broke a bone-
Only a few minor tears.
Until that moment
You left me standing there.

You went and ruined my winning streak,
Left my festering wounds bare
With nothing left to heal-
Insides exposed and eroded
For some unlucky soul to clean.

Build the preverbal wall higher and higher
With every word, every message.

Release your beast
To mess with my head again.

Hide behind email
And call it a relationship.

Stare at pictures on your screen
And pretend to know the real me.
Make up stories
That you start to believe.

Harass my friends
That you tried to deceive.

I don’t deserve a father like you,
You don’t deserve a daughter like me.

You want a happy family?
It seems you’ve found one.

You made your choice
The same way you’d make a bed:
quick and without a second thought,
pick up, throw down, and move on to the next.

Finally face it, you made your own decision
So lay in it.

Bask in your pride,
In the company of your sweet new bride.

Bask in the sun
While your soul comes undone
With sorrow and regret.
Then just push it all onto me-
Pretty please.

Give me a reason to hold on to the scrap of crap that’s left,
Something to call my own,
Something positive to share-
A fun story
Of a father’s love for his daughter:
How he rose from the ashes
To save her
From this life she’s drowning in.

I pray you pull a Peter Parker,
A pleasant surprise-
'My dad the hero'
Come to my rescue at long last.

Whisk me away
to a warm and sunny place,
where it rains sugar drops,
and not a hurtful word is spoken-
then, only then, will the spell be broken.

My heart put back together again,
our relationship on the mend-
the air filled with laughter
time to wake up now Alice
from all these nonsensical dreams
no happily ever after.

carbination hiss/ long for that special kiss
summer night/ hold me tight
sweep away the sorrow/ just until tomorrow
when the sun comes up again/ then I’ll call you my friend
free me from this cage/ my own heart’s enraged
at myself.

can’t love, can’t leave/ don’t know how, but I still believe
In all that I’ve said/ I live with no regret
but that doesn’t mean/ that my heart doesn’t bleed
for you

tears salty blue
heart’s dark night
hope shines bright
stop missing you

…or the you I imagined
you would one day become/ soak up that Arizona sun
change your face/ all of you’re disgrace
suddenly washed away/ hope for a new day
that never came/ no one’s to blame

I had my hope, and still do/ I just don’t have any hope in you
it hurts, but it gets easier with time/ take back the life that’s mine
secretly I wish some day/ you’ll be haunted by my face
famous for some inexplicable reason/ you’ll see me shine through every season
and wish that you could take credit for who I’ve become/ and you’ll lie to your friends- every single one
play the role: doting dad/ whenever someone asks:
“Are you Casey’s father?” a sweet irony/ to my chilhood of “Are you Luke’s daughter?”
maybe I’m bitter, but I’m filled with hope/ maybe I’m damaged, but I’ll never be alone