Why amongst the peace
And simplistic
Normality
Do I feel dread
Burning up inside
Acidic and sour
Upon my tongue.
What is this hollow
Emptiness
That cannot be filled
with birthday cake
Laughter
And smiles
A hollowness that echoes
And drums
Beating in my ear
Until I feel dizzy and sick.
The thud of it
Rushes like
Footsteps
Stomping
And Stomping
An endless cycle
That can be drowned out
But never stopped
For it rings in my head for days
And pounces when
I am vulnerable.
Sometimes I wish
It would stop
But sometimes
I let it wash over me
Like a cycle of waves
Over my head
Over it all
Until it ends
And I rise
A survivor of the wreckage

I am drowning
In my own
Inadequacy
And only I
Can pull me out.

You are fire and honey
You will soothe
Each burn you make
But leave behind
Sweet and sticky
Scars.

I'm sorry for being too
Much of myself, again.
Sorry for being too
Much and not enough,
Sorry for never being the
Prettiest/smartest/
Most interesting
Person in the room
And always saying
Too much
Or nothing at all.
I'm sorry I have faded
In age
But am still bright enough
To make some eyes wince
I am sorry for never being
What you wanted
What I wanted
For never being what
Anyone wanted
After all.

The gentle crush of a treasure trove
Beneath my thick soles
Brushing over
And stomping through
Rubies and shining coins
That begin to slowly
Curl up at the sides.
There is a peaceful power
In holding the last of the
Years warmth
Between my palms,
Slowly faded watercolours
That the bees long ago
Neglected
When the chill in the air
Took over from the last
Sleepy rays.
It's a slow route to
Stiff mud and sharp frost
Meandering past
A scene of beauty.
The last of green swiped
Like a paintbrush and
Dotted with sunset spices
Is damp from fairies dew
Beads of glistening diamonds
Atop the fronds
And wetting my feet.
Wings struggle to hide
Among wooden branches
But camouflage completely
When within the fallen riches
At the twisted root
The ground still soft enough
To retrieve the feasts of summer
Before they wither away.
Richer air forms my breath
Free from the thick cling of humidity
And not yet a chill down my throat
The soft wind tickles around me
And all around is golden
The day fading into a ruby glow.

Why do I do this to myself?
Making lists in my head
Of why I should feel sad
Why I do feel sad
As if experiencing them once
Wasn't bad enough.
Why do I cling to the lyrics
Of depressing songs
Take the words to heart
And recite them under my breath
A mantra for the tears.
None of this helps
Reading words like this doesn't help.
I search for solidarity
In my loneliness
Hoping someone else
Is feeling the same as me
When really all I need
Is a distraction.
I eagerly await a better feeling
To flood my veins and consume me
But do nothing to create it
Except open my window
And hope it flies in.
I only ever mange to summon
A cold breeze that mingles with
The sound of the road below.
Maybe the chill of it will
Cool my flushed skin
And provide
The good sense
To put my feelings aside
And carry on with the day.

In hindsight,
Maybe you weren't as perfect
As I originally thought.
Looking back,
Maybe I put you on a pedestal
That you were only too happy
To sit on.
Maybe, deep down, your flaws
Were only too obvious to me.
Now they stare blinking at me
As if caught in the middle of a crime
A deer in the headlights.
I'm still drawn to you somehow
But, in hindsight,
Maybe I can learn to keep my gaze
Straight ahead
Not straying to you.
Looking back,
I should have done that all along.

Every day I fall in love with strangers
Our one second, once chance meeting
Becomes a beautiful story.
Most end with tragedy
The sorrow beginning
When I inevitably never see them again
But the story is perfect all the same.
The boy in the blue tshirt
Sat across me on the bus
Becomes my troubled protagonist
He's flawed but perfect all the same
Our paths won't cross again
But wasn't our tale magical
While it lasted?

I have a mother in my head
A child in my heart.
They both want me to be happy
In their own unique way.
For them I will make sure
To eat my vegetables
And wrap up warm
Before going to splash
In rain puddles
And look out for falling stars.
For them I will live in the moment
And laugh whenever possible
As it is those memories
You look back on
The most fondly.

She said to me, one night
I sincerely believe
That good-for-nothing boys
Should be avoided
At all costs.
This is unless, of course,
You simply can't help it.
Then you should let them
Put a shy grin on your face
And make your pulse
Pound and flutter.
They will leave you
With very good
Forbidden memories
That you will treasure
One day when it's over.

Dear you,
The mysterious stranger
My old friend
The one with stars in his eyes
To you,
The boy who has
Captured my heart
And broken it at the
Same time
As if you thought
As silly as it was
I was something
Precious and fragile
Like glass.
You,
The mysterious stranger,
My oldest companion
Who has the answers
And yet
Is still somehow
Ignorant to the world
Lost boy,
Explorer and conqueror
Afraid of the dark
And failure.
Am I forgotten?
Scorned like rain
Or broken
Like  a promise.
For you,
My dreamer, 
The world awaits.

If you have chosen
Whether or not
You are angry
You are privileged.

If you have chosen
Whether or not
You will act upon your anger
You are privileged.

If you are just enough
To be angry
If you are lucky enough
To be privileged
Use your anger, use your privilege.

When staring into
The face of oppression
Silence and compliance
Are one and the same.

The rain has
Washed away
Some part of me
So even in sun
I drip.

I have loved you for a long time
And hated myself
For you not loving me
The scorn of being
The unrequited lover
Burnt into my skin.
But you are my best friend
With you I have laughed
So much that I've cried
And cried myself to sleep
Thinking about why
I am the undesirable
The unlovable, the always
And yet never quite.
At night you are
The man of my dreams
And in the day
Perfect and somehow godlike
Bathed in sunlight and self-confidence
While I dim in the shadows behind you.
But I cannot hate myself anymore
And I cannot love you anymore
So I must turn my back on sunshine
And let myself enjoy the rainbows
And the rainstorms.

We were in love
Once upon a time
It was wonderful.
But then we woke up
Why do I always
Have to wake up.

I am the withering
Touch of winter,
The Anti-Midas,
The inevitable cruelty
Of the passing of time.
Around me, everything
Crumbles, decays
And decomposes
Leaving sorrow
To root deep
In my bones.

How can I be kind
To ny reflection
When I know
Her every fault
And flaw
And have seen every
Wicked thought
That passes through
Her mind?

In the warm glow of birthday candles
My playlist on in the background
I tell myself
It's moments like this
I'll remember forever.
I'll remember being young
And laughing
Forever.
And it will make me smile
As I am having such a nice time.

I've started carrying
Relics of myself
With me
Wherever I go
Because men only
Treasure old
When it is
Turned to bones.

What I want
Is a hand to hold
Warm and rough to the edges
Clasping my palm and my fingers
Like an embrace.
What I want is a conversation
A check in
Someone who wants to know that I'm OK
Even if I don't have an answer right now.
What I want is someone
Someone who thinks of me
Not to benefit themselves
But because they want to
Someone who cares.
But what use are wants, I'm sure I have many of them.

I wear my makeup like a war paint
To me it's not a cover up
A camouflage
But instead what allows me
To charge into battle.
It enhance my best features
Instead of concealing the bad
After all,
A bright lipstick
Will only draw attention
To my smile
And why wouldn't I smile
When my cheekbones sparkle
When they hit the light
Or when my lashes flutter
So I feel like a disney princess.
Don't think I'm insecure
Just because I'm secure in
Choosing how I show my face
To the world.
Don't think I'm hiding
Behind a 'fake' or 'false' me.
My makeup is my war paint
And with my head held high
All can admire it
As I gracefully charge
Into battle.

After the sleepy days of winter
I am ignited, brought to life,
The phoenix rising
And soaring through
Daydreams and memories.
I am caught by the edge of
A summer breeze
I whirl around in the air
Like a dandelion seed
Carrying the promise
Of a wish
The promise of tomorrow
The promise of summer.
I am a rainstorm after
Days of sticky heat,
I am the change of pressure
In the air, humid and thick
I am not stopping anytime soon
So couples dance and splash
Raincoats over sun dresses.
Today, because of me,
Everything is lush green and alive
So that when the sun peaks around
A cloudy corner once more
Nature will march to the order
And stand straight and tall
Breathtaking. Beautiful. Summer.

At this moment in time
I am encased in
Cold bath water
Up to my neck.
I am floating
But heavy
Though I have left
My body
Deep below.
I watch skin
That doesn't feel
Like mine anymore
Burn angry pink, red
And decline into bruised
Purple and mottled blue.
I pretend I am a statue
Stay stone still-
Everytime I shiver
I must start again
According to rules
Of my own creation.
Once I am no longer
Skin and bones
But, instead,
Rock and thread
I will leave the cold
Wrap myself in rough warmth
And blink into white light
And enjoy the
Endless feeling
Of being numb.

Life is sour
A taste that makes you wince
As if you've been
******* lemons
For when life hands you lemons
You can pretend
You squeezed them in your eyes
That explains the tears.
My heart feels bitter
I've left it open for too long
I should throw it out
As what's the point in salvaging
What can so easily be replaced.
Yes I'm feeling sour
Bitter, rotten
Who wouldn't be
With your name on their tongue.

Welcome to the
Wasteland.
You've been here
For a while,
But the stars
Let you think
You were somewhere
Else
And for that,
I am sorry.

And I would have been
What you wanted to see
But that doesn't matter
Because you'll never want me
And all that you wanted
I never could be
Empty dreams fly away
And you set yourself free
Little bird
Hope you like being free
Little bird.

I feel your gaze
Tracing the outlines of my face
As I turn page after page
Of the book
That I now cannot
Take in a word of.
Instead I pretend
That I'm still
Absorbed in the words
While simultaneously
Running my tongue
Over my lips
To make them shine
And sitting up straighter.
I wonder if your observations
Are of disdain, curiosity
Or even admiration.
I pretend they are
And let myself feel beautiful
And powerful
For a minute at least.

All I want
Sometimes
Is someone
To tell me
That my flame
Burns a little
Brighter
Than everyone
Else's.

In the crowd of the room
The flashing lights
And pulsating tempo
Of music
That makes my bones
Shake
I am only focused on you.
Your hair, your eyes, your smile
Your confidence and ease.
In any other moment
Your lack of equal interest
In me
Would make my heart feel bruised
And my chest ache
As if it was cracked and hollow.
But, in this moment
I savour the opportunity
To drink in every bit of you
Unnoticed
And pretend that I'm
As much a part of the crowd as you are.
I repeatedly
Commit your face to memory
And then let myself enjoy
The feeling of your skin on mine
You in your overpriced designer t-shirt
Tanned arms bare in short sleeves.
And me in a strappy top
My carefully made up face
That is of no interest to you
Though you might have told me
I looked nice (as you sometimes do
Before we arrive
At these parties).
I cling onto these words
And let them guide
My easy and carefree smile
And swaying movements.
With you in front of me
It's easy to pretend.
I fool even myself
In these little moments
Convince everyone
And maybe even believe that
I am having the best time of my life
And then wonder
When I am alone
Why happiness feels so empty.

I feel I'm losing people
By the minute and
Losing chunks of me
As they go
Memories tainted
And slipping
Down plug holes.
I don't want to lose you
So I'll hang on tight
Even as you
Bite at my fingertips
And scratch and claw
Deep into my skin
Just to spite me.
I will cling onto the
Fibres of your clothes
And the hairs at the base
Of your neck
So that when
I eventually wake up alone
I will have you under
My nails
And know I did all I could
To keep you.

You maybe assumed
I was fine
Being the only
One gripping onto
Our life line
As you decline
My calls again.

The truth is,
What's left
If you're depressed
And I haven't seen you
Since May,
What's the point
In reaching out
If when I do
You've suddenly run
Out of things to say-
I say I miss you
And you say ok
And we don't talk
For three weeks.

And you might
Miss me too
But it's you
So I won't know
If you did until
You don't anymore
And it's suddenly
A chore to text you
About the weather.

And if it's me
Who breaks it off
I take full responsibility
For being disenchanted
And broken-hearted
By this game of screens
That we play.

I'm sick of this
Upwards climb
You're active online
Drop in from
Time to time
To send me something
Meaningless
And this all means
So much less
Than it did once.
Is this what life
Is for us now?

Dropping out because
Consistency is a
Thing of the past
It was a blast
Once upon a time
But it's over and
We're sober and 16
Again
Living at home.

Tell me you miss
The good old days
When the days shone
In our eyes
And our smiles
While the nights
Stretched out
For miles,
Littered with possibilities.

Tell me you miss
Feeling more than
Bleak comfort
From muddy walks,
Tell me you miss
Our haunts
And cheap drinks
And each other.

I miss it all but I'm
Losing my grip
On the past,
And soon it'll pass
If we want it to or not
So one last desperate
Plea,
If you're in there-
Tell me you miss me,
And the old days
Can become new days
One day.

You are honey dripping
Through my
Outstretched fingers,
Saccharine sugar dissolving
On my tongue.
After tasting you
My lips are sweet
And syrupy,
Sticky and shining
In the opal light.
Without you
I am coffee
Scalding and bitter.
But
After you sample me
I am a blend of spices
Aromatic and vivid
Exotic and rare.
I make your
Tongue burn with heat
And tingle
Long after I've left you
You can still
Taste me in the air.
I dream of your
Cloying sweetness
And you my
Powerful, consuming heat.

Why does the sight of you
Still ignite shy joy
In my long ago frozen veins
When you were the one
Who made me cold
To the touch.
Why do I seek your smile alone
In the crowd
When others would
Grant me theirs
Without the price of reproach
Hating myself
When left alone in the night.
Why do I miss the thought of you
When in my mind
You remain eternally present
And by my side.
In my darkest dreams
You never leave, you never left
And yet
simultaneously elsewhere
As time goes on
You're walking away
Towards someone else
Who doesn't need to miss you
Who doesn't need to think of you
To survive.

You are sweet
Like tea with too many spoons of sugar
The mug you cradle and
Drink while it's still hot.
You are sweet
Like picnics and walks along the beach
Holding hands with damp palms
My heart beating fast in my chest.
You are sweet
Like the treats you shouldn't have
But I feel I will never grow sick of you
Or feel I have to push the plate away
To be polite.
I don't drink tea
And it's too cold outside for picnics
But with you the world is fuzzy
Golden glazes my eyes
And I find myself liking the taste of
Honey on my tongue.

In my mind's eye
I still see you sometimes
Swirling a glass of red wine
That rests in your right hand
Like a lifeline.

Your left points at me
Beckoning me to you
With the arrorgance of age,
The age of someone who
Should know better
But chooses to be
Ignorantly obstinate
Instead.

Another night,
You sit, red wine in
Your right hand
A novel of some sorts
In your left.
The cover depicts some
Modern art, the sort I
Never cared to understand
But you always cared
To tell me about.

I should interrupt
But you are absorbed
In it's enclosing pages
And your tongue
Wriggles free from
Your mouth like a serpent
As you focus
As if betraying
The skin underneath
The real skin.

The red wine stains
Your teeth
And I deliberate
But eventually decide
To leave you there.
Focused as you are,
It seems silly to interrupt
A little foolish even
To pause the great mind
Just to tell you
That I am going
And that
You will never
See me again.

Wrap the truth
Around me
Like a noose
And hope that
I never cut
Myself loose
To swing free,
Like the best
Of years gone by

We said goodbye
And I looked back
To get one last
Look at you.
You had already
Walked away
Not looking back
At me
And I think that
Says it all
Really.

Keys, drinks, the sound of heels clicking and clomping. Smiles, dreams and sun streaming in from windows. Drunk hugs in bathrooms, glitter sparkling on your face under lamppost light. Lighting a match, like warm magic emerging from fingertips. Cobbled streets, a fruity drink in rainbow colours, the coolness of the night air. Short chats that become long chats, that become deep chats. The smell of food and the warmth from the bowl it is in. Sea air, salty, blustery, the jangle of a dog collar as they run. Being halfway through a book that has your full attention. The smell of the pages. A text that makes you smile. Ice cream on a hot day, the greasy feel of suncream and the smell of outdoors on your skin, in your hair. Rainy days with a warm mug of tea, fairy lights with full batteries. A film night with friends, quoting word for word. Laughing, always laughing.

You're my Romeo of the dim streets
The master of the dark sheets
That we're drawn to
To hide our shame under
Cheeks flaming with rosy heat.
I seek your
Bedroom eyes at parties
That look straight through me
Wanting someone else instead.
We both ignore the
Inevitable affection of connection
Stone like facades
Worn as a tragedy mask,
Mine cracking from time to time.
As always, I can't escape
My childish long for your
****** words of affection
In bars with sticky tables
And cheap drinks I bought myself.
I savour the warmth of your
Parting embrace
From which I dread letting go
As that means letting you go
In some twisted way.
Then from my tower window
I watch you stumble home
Regret like a crown on my head
And carelessness the emblem
On your shining armour shield
That glows under the amber lamplight
Until it doesn't
And the dim streets are empty once more.

You never said goodbye
To me
Instead one day
You just
Slipped away
And I wondered if
I could look for you
But knew deep down
That love
Doesn't work that way.

It seems that closure
Is never closing
Even when the
Signs are clear enough
To read
Apparently I can be blind
When I want to be
And some cuts
Though old
Just like to bleed.

Maybe it would help
Knowing you
Couldn't stand me
Because now
I look for you
In every face I see.
And the pill might
Have gone
Down easier
If you avoided
Every girl who
Somehow reminded
You of me.

Truthfully
It might help
If you never fell
In love
With anyone
But I know that's not
An ask
You can complete
Because a heart
With a face like yours
Captures that
Of everyone
You meet.

So instead
Please promise
That you'll think of me
Sometimes
Because I think of
You
More than I can say
And even
After all this time
A part of me
Perhaps stupidly
Will always
Feel this way.

My youth is slipping through my fingers
Hot butter, melting down my palm
Cascading slowly
Drip dripping
And there is nothing I can do
To hold onto it.

You peeled away my siren skin
When you didn't choose me
Left my shimmering scales
Raw and exposed,
Dripping seawater tears from the
Jagged edges.
You ripped off my disguise
You see,
When you showed just how much
You didn't want me,
A sheep in wolves fur,
Timid and unsuitable
Dragging behind you
And hiding in shallow waters
Until I could smooth my mask
Back into place.
I thought I could rest
In those shallow waters
Not have to show my
Burning cheeks for a little while,
But instead
I floated far out to sea
And in the swirling waters
Dark, inky and cold
I lost my scales.
A siren with a song and beauty
No more
Instead a shark, biting at the ankles
Of those who dare
To sing the sirens song.

My teacup rattles
When I hold it
My hands shake
Like old bones.
Am I The Princess
When I carry it?
Or am I the carry
It loathes?
My brain is too
Big for this shoebox
But it's always too
Small for a room
This is a thought to
Mull over
I think and I think
And I chew.

I miss you when I know
I shouldn't
As what is there
To miss?
It's been so long
Since anything
And that's what's
Wrong with this
I miss, I miss,
I miss.

You were a curiosity,
Nothing more.
A Gordian Knot I
Swore I would untie.
You told me nothing
(That was part of
Your great mystery)
But still I felt that
I knew you
Better than
I knew myself,
As if you'd become a
Part of me
The pomegranate seeds
You'd planted
Growing into flowers
Around my bones,
Crushing my heart
And lungs
Into breathless
Love for you.
Your stories were empty
So I, with my
Spinning wheel mind,
Filled in the gaps.
I made them tragic
So I could comfort you
So I could tell myself
You needed me.
You didn't though,
Not really
And yet you still
Lingered
On my doorstep
Like a bad penny.
You liked longing
For... something
You wore anticipation
On your skin
Like cologne,
Salty with sweat
Like the ocean
Like drowning.
If you were a curiosity
I'd fallen for your intrigue
I swore I'd find
The centre of your maze
Even if all that
Awaited me there
Was a minotaur.
I was obsessed
I thought I would be
The one to
Crack- solve- fix you.
I wondered
Hopelessly, if you
Ever lay staring
At the celing
Tracing my name
In the dark air
Like constellations
As your dark eyes
Flashed in my mind
Like a shutter.
Did you believe in fate?
The tug of the string
Binding our fingers
Until it hurt to be
Away from you.
Did you also feel
That we had been
Pushed together
Inevitably?
Really
I don't think you
Thought of me at all.
You'd told me
That you only looked
To the next moment
When I questioned
The lost look in your eyes
As if you were a boy again.
I think I loved you then
When you were far away
And untouchable
I vowed I'd reach you
Join you on your deserted island
Not seeing that you'd
Already left me
On one of my own.

I miss grey days
When they're here
And hold onto
Nostalgia
Like ice burning
The palm of
Your hand.
I miss rain,
Standing like an
Angel
Arms outstretched in
Drenching downpours
Until I am washed
Of even my
Own name
And come home
Sodden and
Unspeaking.
I miss what I
Have always hated
And turn from what
I've sworn
To love.

Why do I long for home
As if it was something
Lost to me
Out at sea
Under the waves of oblivion.

Why do I feel empty
And indifferent to it all.

I would like to lie
In the suns gaze
And shrug off myself
Give my thoughts the slip
Just for a moment
A minute, an eternity.

Carry on without me
I'll be here awhile
And imagine I'm sat
Under the sky I know
So much better than this one
The one with the brighter stars
That I can reach
And graze my fingertips across
Remembering the burn of promise
As if it was tingling still.

Home where are you now
Have you flown somewhere far
Where I cannot reach
Without a guide
Without some aid.
Will I stay here on this island
That is so
Familiar but detached from me.
When will I be ready
To brave the storms
For possibility
For more than what I have made
And chose to stay in.

Missing
Is a haunting
Vacancy
Which tugs tears
From stubborn
Eyes
And lost hearts.

I once had
Pictures of you
Pinned all over my room.
Snapshots of times that I laughed
Times where it felt
Like I was glowing.
They were my favourite pictures
Taken in moments
Where I felt giddy
And like I was someone special.
I'd even keep the bad ones
The blurry, the blinking
The "Delete that now!"
I kept them all
As when I was with you
I smiled so much.
Time moves on
And you never treasured
Those pictures
Those memories
In the way that I did
So, after a while,
I took the photos down
And filled their space
With other days
That I barely remember.

I'm peering through
The window
Of a life that used
To be mine.
Of people
That became
Figures in pictures
Memories warped
Into rectangles
That you hang
On the wall.
The moments
We thought would
Last forever
Have escaped us
Floating like
Paper lanterns
Into the night sky
Carrying with them
The brightest
Hopes and dreams.
Though I watched
Them go
I am still
Suprised to have
To leave
This life that used
To be mine
Behind.
But even as it
Fades away
It's glow
Through foggy window
Remains.