rook - Hello Poetry

rook Sep 2014

it shouldn't matter to me when i open a page and i see your face
(costumed, made up, wig or not)
it shouldn't spark a feeling in this cavity of a chest
but it does.

it shouldn't make any difference when i hear from a friend
rumours that were spread
or things that have been said about me
and i should take everything at face value but i heard that you lied
and it shouldn't make my stomach turn
but it does.

and when i see your face
(you know, it's hard to avoid someone when you're ******* facebook friends)
when i see your pathetic, amazing, perfect face
it shouldn't make me cry
but it does

and when i see you in the same place i am
i should be able to say hi
i should be able to say something
instead of staring, dumbstruck
instead of panicking
instead of not being able to breathe
instead of crying when i can finally escape
it shouldn't mean anything

but it does

every time i accidentally see jean or run into jean no

#sad #anxiety

rook Sep 2014

forced

breathing
it is odd to think that such an involuntary, seemingly inconsequential thing
is what keeps us alive
we can not simply quit it
air flows in and out on its own
you may try to hold it, but it continues flowing
long after you've passed out
dreaming
on a cold floor

you tried
but you were so scared to try harder
you knew you wouldn't be able to do it
and making the effort is terrifying
you can hold your breath
but you can not take it
you are afraid

you have almost given up hope
you used to say this was ridiculous
you would never consider it
you would never try
you didn't
need
to
you were happy
what happened?

you fell
you spiraled down
and you tripped on the last stair
battered
bruised
hurt in more ways than physical
the things you require from people are withheld
the love you give is snatched greedily
and
never returned

you fell.

now it seems that
trying
is pointless
everything is pointless
apathy
you are numb
and nothing matters right now
you don't want to be
you want your particles
s c a t t e r ed
far into the wind

Love.
is it a good thing?
a bad thing you have decided
it is only pain
but you crave it
you hate the fact but you need it
and this one thing you need so much
is always just out of your grasp

It's so difficult
You force yourself to keep going
Sluggish, robotic motions
Corrupted hardware
Programs that don't work
You want to stop.

you know, on your birthday one of the last things you should be thinking about is killing yourself.

#suicide

rook Sep 2014

gravity

I used to think
that gravity
held you up
on little strings connected to the earth
moved you as gently as any puppeteer
and guided you safely

I used to think
that gravity
was a thing
that loved and grabbed at the edges
of your sleeves when you passed
and clung to your shadow

I used to think
that gravity was a nice thing
that gravity was
f
r
    i
       e
          n
             d
                l
                   y

But I grew up
I know now that gravity swallows
gravity is a cage
and I used to ignore that
I used to ignore the way
a shadow will
attach itself to you
the very way that polar molecules
attract
and I ignored
the way the ground ***** you in

I wanted to stay
W  a  r  m
Wanted to stay attached because I was afraid of the openness
of space
But now I am afraid of the closing walls
of the hollow earth

I wanted to remain
familiar
wanted to keep myself in comfort among the same
familiar trees
blank faces
I was afraid  of the unknown
but now I am afraid
of the very domesticity
I once loved

I want to lie among the stars
hydrogen fusion bursting in my brain
i want to breathe in the supernova
and i want to be part of something
so much more
than my pile of bones
will ever amount to

i want to breathe with the quasars

i'm noticing that i have a tendency to end poems with one stand alone line. interesting.

#stars #liberation

rook Sep 2014

weightless

i wanted to be weightless, he said
so i took myself deep into the ocean
i let saltwater fill my body and i let fish
swim past me in schools
and i watched the sea’s skeleton
coral
i couldn’t see the ocean for the waves
and i sunk down  down   down
and it didn’t work

i cut all of my strings
all of the things that tied me down to the earth
like so many certain balloons
popping
                    one
                                  by
                                               one
and i thought it would take me higher than i’ve ever been
but all i did was
p
l
u
m
m
e
t
the way icarus showed me

i wanted to be weightless so i built a pair of wings, naively thinking that maybe i could fly, too. but if humans (is that what we are? human?), humans weren't meant to fly. only to fall.

#gravity #icarus #weightless

Sep 2014

Sully

Pratfall

I'd pull a pratfall just to keep that smile wide and real
I'd pull my somersaults and dance a brilliant fever frenzy
I'd grab those carol bells and shake them in a brilliant peal
And no not anything you'd ever do could possibly offend me

I'll tell you stories, curl your toes with all delight or fright
I'll run through tall grass, hauling string behind to raise your kite
I'm in your thrall, I'll beg and crawl, and caterwaul
If I should think I've come ever so near to dealing you a sleight

I'll pull a pratfall
Because I'd rather be loved as a fool
Than not be loved at all.

Word of the day.

#love #lonely #self-deprecation #loneliness #devotion

rook Sep 2014

gold

just a whisper's distance away
close enough to touch
cold hands on warm cheeks, i pretend not to look
i keep on talking because i'm afraid that if it's too quiet, you could hear my thoughts

fingers tapping restlessly on hardwood surfaces
obscuring the percussion thumping in my chest
my stomach doesn't just flutter - it flies away
breathless

waiting
on the edge of a metal bench
running over the script i never quite follow
pretending i could ever have any semblance of confidence

my legs are shaking and the idea shatters, glass on the floor barely heard over the sound of my

nervous laughter.

amber and gold these are old

#love #nervous #crush

rook Sep 2014

when the streetlights

i remember staring at the sky
the streets were dark but the lights were orange and lying on the paved road, i listened
to the sound that the forest behind us made

when i miss you, i stand by the glass doors and look out
the darkness sounds like your heartbeat and i
shiver as i hear your voice in the unrecognizable stars

as i try to fall asleep i feel the secrecy of the moments when
you insisted i call you at 3 am
even when i was in florida
and the only other sound in the world was the wheezing of a truck

when i miss you, i think about the first night we talked
and how your voice hadn't changed
and how my feelings hadn't either
and how i was falling asleep in class the next day because we talked until dawn

three am was the time where i
had been awake long enough
to stop worrying about what you might think of me if you saw my insides
so i told you that i count in fives and i don't get vertigo and that i lied in the late summer

when i miss you, i sit on the floor and hug my knees to my chest and cry
i try to breathe between the empty spaces where your thoughts were
and i try not to think about the last words you said to me

instead i think about the way my sternum ached when you said
that i was your home
i think about the way you waited an hour in the july heat for me
the way you stuck your tongue out
and said i was exactly the same cute that the piemaker was

i remember waiting in the darkness when the streetlight flickered out
and the way your voice sounded when you said to close my eyes
and the hammering of my heart against my rib cage and the fear still bottled in my throat
and trying not to be afraid when i couldn't see you
and the soft pressing of chapped lips against mine
and the startled expression i must have had
as i grabbed your hand
and we walked out of the forest in silence.

#you #missing #h