They dont make it
the beautiful die in flame-
sucide pills,rat poison,rope what-
ever...
they rip their arms off,
throw themselves out of windows,
they pull their eyes out of the sockets,
reject love
reject hate
reject,reject.

they do'nt make it
the beautiful can't endure,
they are butterflies
they are doves
they are sparrows,
they dont make it.

onetall shot of flame
while the old men play checkers in the park
one flame,one good flame
while the old men play checkers in the park
in the sun.

the beautiful are found in the edge of a room
crumpled into spiders and needles and silence
and we can never understand why they
left,they were so
beautiful.

they dont make it,
the beautiful die young
and leave the ugly to their ugly lives.

lovley and brilliant: life and suidcide and death
as the old men play checkers in the sun
in the park.

Walk with legs that do not buckle ,
not anymore.

Can you stand now ?  
Can you stand on two feet , falling through the space between rest stops ,
pavements eating footsteps up , vibrations miss the point...
......that earth already has a floor !
Can you stand now?

Walk with legs that do not buckle.

With loving hands , i float a paper boat down the stream.
Folded from a sheet of thin lined a4 ,
covered in my frustration, in my self hate , in my wishful thinking of stories never come true , smothered in my silent sighs , etched with the tear stained wisdom soaked tale of hearts growing.

Melded together , ******* in past karma , future favors..... we grew ,

in a dance , letting go of hands then drifting , as if we were floating in space , spiraling far from each other , our minds a better solace then those around us.
Sometimes it would spill over , bubble into a brew around my feet , embarrass me with my heart all too feeling. A bad taste lolls on my tongue , from words i wish i had spoken , fear whispering things into my ears, noises of bad deeds imaginary.

I'm not supposed to tell you that someone helped heal me , much more than any others...
I'm supposed to have done it all myself.
But he stays

he stays, after seeing aspects i could barely show to myself they rung with such hollow heartfelt heartlessness.
Misguided identity fraud , is the name of this game.


I've offered plenty of times
"leave when you need to.... i know i can be too much"

shhh he says.
With loving hands , where all experience still  sits engraved in skin,
i'll tell you a secret,
the boat never floats away.
But joins all the others , bunched up
on a strand of DNA.

"The problem is..."
he drawls
"that it is'nt us who see people differently from you,
but you see things different from us. We are not the problem you are.
You see the basest humans when we paint majestic creatures,
we tell stories of superheroes with no faults,
we expect our boyfriends to mirror night skies in their comfort,
and speak like Kerouac. Kiss our scars like white girl tumblr pictures."
"People like you," he says;
"...Dont ever **** yourselves. You're used to the disappointment. Your used to kissing your boyfriends sweaty upper lips and smelling...just that. You clean up the puke on bathroom floors without complaining because you know what people look like from the inside. That's why your art will never be good. Thats why today in class when I asked you to paint a human body cut open, you drew a colorless man with his organs splaying out of him, and *******" he laughs..
"I have to fold petals into my boyfriends armpits just to stand the sight of him
our ******* is'nt *******,
its *******. Supposedly.
When I tell this story later,
I'll leave out the spit and saliva and how the human body
aint that pretty, especially *******. Even 6 ft 3 chiseled muscle of it, ill write metaphors about his eyes and similes to his fists,
you will tell us about the humaness of his breath and how
it annoyingly kept you up at night,
you will speak of storms but not of the ones in his eyes.
The ones in your belly
when he farts during *** and you will
describe every putrid detail, like the fact that waking up in the morning aint so pretty,
morning breath is something we dreamers leave out in movies. And, it must be exhausting
living here seeing things how they really are, but atleast when you expect disappointment, theres room for surprise.
People like me expect the good and are disappointed when its ****** on."

They kissed you with that mouth
Wrote books about you
Took pictures and hung them up for beer ads
For humans with high testosterone to ogle
While they ******* the top of a beer bottle
Like it will bring their fathers acceptance
Back into their eyes.
Your nine inched heels gave me whip lash
Your ½ inch eyelashes gave me heartburn
Your spit
Indigestion
Because they kissed you with that mouth.
And you still believe,

You asked for it

You still believed you were not worth getting out of the hood for
The hood
what good is the hood and the hood-rats

You ******* ***** in alleyways

All 10 of them lined up
said I might as well have the money upfront
If I'm gonna **** **** I'm getting paid for it

They bashed your head into concrete so hard.
You forgot how your mothers voice sounded like
Almost forgot how your uncles knuckles tasted like,
I don’t know your story
I don’t know your name
I don’t know you
I just know that your friend
And my friends
Last night
Came to the conclusion
That you were a ****
And you were asking for it
You asked for your head to be bashed into concrete
And hey maybe you did
Maybe you wanted something to hit you hard enough to make you forget
The hate inside
The misogyny you swallow
and wash down the drain
maybe you were there in front of 10 guys because you wanted to know what power felt like
what being wanted felt like
because you thought you were worth the money
but they didn't
because maybe that's what you asked for
because maybe your mother taught you to get high and surrender with glazed eyes
rather then take your higheels off and fight

because your laughter sounds more broken than you do
because your eyes hold remnants of your skull
because you remember the taste of your blood too keenly
because my friends, my female friends who are not evil or sexist

my male friends the protector of women
came to an agreement
you asked for it
put yourself in the position to
smell the inside of your brain
because your blood meant power
because finishing them off
meant swallowing or bleeding
and you did some of both because
maybe you chose survival
because maybe you came in kicking naked and maybe thats how you wanna go out with
another mans hands down your throat
some to aid air some
to constrict

weather you bleed or swallow you are only
emptying out

and I tried to explain that to your friend and my friends but
there is so much anger about what happend to you
and none of it is directed at the ten faceless penises.

Because you were once a chandelier of candles
And now you are a faceless light bulb hung on the moldy hotel building
Because your **** gives you free crack and
My friends have disgust on their faces
And I feel
Pity

Heaven & Hell

to be fair , can't really say anything about heaven and hell because some part of me believes that whatever you are truly thinking about becomes your reality. So for the people who is sure they are going to hell that may be the case.
but on principle i do no think there is any judgement on your life other than your own.
So i wouldn't say i believe in them , no... but i do think there is a possibility those places exist..

Re-Incarnation

This one is more about *time for me than anything else

because i think that death is just a blip in the time space continuum.
Like a tree never really dies or is born , because it's just forms into something else.
The rule in science, that no energy can be created it just changes.

AND i think the essence of a person  is what makes them 'a person' although the body is which we express that essence to.
SO i think that if after some time in that body , the essence get's stronger.

AND let's say you die at 89, then you've spent a fair amount of 'experiences'

( another way of measuring time is ; Measuring it by how many things you've done - i like to count happy things , and things that make me grow as a person.)

Knowing that we have effects on the world around us ,
we can see that we emit some kind of energy ,
Although that's more to do with WHY being a human is so cool.

(Because we get to choose what we emit.  )

Anyway .. so you have all these experiences and the body is just an expression of that essence.

Just like there are many types of plants and animals that have their own characteristics and then deeper personalities for each 'individual' ... that is a slightly different  expression of the 'same thing' (collection / species ).
So the children and children's children take a little of each 'individuals' mix and grow it some more.

And in Buddhism *it says that you ARE the next generations..because you don't leave a place until you have learnt the lessons. If one looks at the way humanity has progressed, and where we are now.. we have a lot we can learn...Which is why i know this is one of my 'last times' on earth.
and i've heard some things about how you move together in a group of 'souls' you've been with before.

So what you do in any life , you do to yourself anyway... it makes a lot of sense... it would be a  wonderful way to get to learn things .
You are the teacher you are the master. It resonates with me a lot.
Because i can see certain cycles in my life of specific events that taught me things.

That,  and my godmother told me a story of when i as 4 and showed her a quill and proceeded to show her how it worked and told her all about it..i don't think i knew about quills that much then.. that's before i recall reading properly...
i ALSO happen to be a good writer.


I have also met people who share 'lives' with me.  (and i've never seen so much with another person as i have seen with my 'Boyfriend'.)
It works like this. * One of us says something that we 'daydream' or feel so strongly towards, it's your intuition talking so it's good to listen. Then we compare what we feel when we think of that thing.. and more often then not and with certain details we'll both have the same so it's not just 1 of us. *Which makes it a correlation... *

I like to look at my life and events like that deeply. Because there seems to always be a 'plot twist' or some revelation i didn't know existed.

So all in all* i believe you enter and exit bodies , but see all the lives as 1 life , not as separate lives.
The lives are more of a segment, or a stage , or a blip and death is the dash...
......however you wanna call yin and yang.

But as we saw earlier , all energy only changes , so technically it's the same thing.

Which goes into the detail of how you can be yourself , what seems like 'more than once'.

All energy is itself - expressing itself , in different forms.

Much like the variety of species , solar systems , cells , cell organs... atoms , protons, quarks..

Although i will say this , i am still thinking / reading / learning about the nature of the death period

i often understand these things through looking at the cycles in my body as a start point.

But i prefer to focus on life , since i am quite young and i know i have some more of the road ahead of me , so i like to contemplate it from time to time
because even though we get to choose things,
there is a certain movement that is not ours to an extent.
I think you can, in a way prolong life... eating well.. thinking happily... but that is an event that WILL happen .

That is a certainty.. in a universe so full of * 'chance AND *variety'.... to *have a certainty that big...well that's *pretty interesting.

Life though , life has i feel , a purposeful force.
Choice is the pretty awesome thing. ( and you asked me a  big question , i hope this answered it.. if you need more info or need me to clarify anything tell me  , hey it's really nice talking to you Jade! Even though Facebook  sometime is kinda a bad thing i feel.... it let's us do this ... the internet is an interesting place.. what do you think of it?) Love xox