I still spend
time trying to
be pretty for you

Have I ever not feared failure,
although everyone else said I was going slow
if there wasn't such a push to be a
someone
or a
something
maybe I wouldn't worry about getting anywhere, anytime
soon

I'll paint you blanket after blanket across
your shoulders, paint them warm paint
them strong, enough to keep you safe inside
enough to keep you safe inside
enough to keep you safe inside
thread by thread I'll
paint the stitches enough
to keep you safe inside

We sat on the fallen tree by
the stream, behind the library guarded
by wisdom, I guess it was
a funny situation but I told you
straight faced that she was
there before me as if it were 6am
holiday shopping and she'd bought you
first

They say, take a picture
it lasts longer, but I beg to
differ, because words are an unbreakable adhesive

In all, I am brimming with emotions,
questions I'll never ask and the odd urge to
scratch your head.

I hate to see the life
you've created without me
because I don't think I've
created one without you

My mother once told me that
what's in the heart comes out the mouth
so I became accustomed to believing that everyone is inherently bad
instead of the latter

Yeah, I remember you
cherries popping in your mouth, my
cherries, fireworks, pop rocks in your cheek
citrus cream on your tongue, vaseline
on mine and the way the electrical outlet
looked up close next to my sweaty palms
with bobby pins embedded in my knees
fresh out of the shower, pear extract clinging desperately
trying to keep me clean

I fall in love with faces
down cliffs, down jagged seaside heights
strewn on the rocks, sunbathing on jawlines
pulled taut in sharp angles that cut my fingers
have you ever fantasized about the way
his lips would fall op en?

bathed in a salmon glow
only the trees saw us

I remember the kiss and my reddened
body turned on your mattress, a slip of
rubber, a small snap and your limber hands
dried in salt
were upon my thighs
had I really let you have it on the floor of my downstairs bathroom
where I could see the dirt beneath
the porcelain toilet, my shoulder blades
puncturing my skin, so thin,
rolled across the tile?

Here I was again, letting the innocent daylight
spill across my belly, pleading
instead I let you polish your buckle
Me
grunting, you whispered
I love you,
to make amends in
perhaps a moment of regret,  maybe
you realized something or in this lapse
you thought it necessary to reassure  me
because that
after-all
would be logical

I love you but I
don't

I am leaking silently,
like pipes beneath the kitchen sink
You find out that mold had nested, accumulated
in the corners and caused the floors to rise up
Heave their wooden planks and produce discoloration,  
My chest is that floor and the water has
no place to go so it soaks and strains,
*****, sighs, releases fluid in
t
e
n
d
r
i
l
s.

Where do i begin? At

The first kiss, the first smile, No

When your hand like a snake slid up my side, It's

'Only one life that we have, '  Tu m'as dit

But what if i didn't want to try those things the, What

If i wasn't ready, But

By now it doesn't matter, it's all in the

Past.

It's one of those carnival-silly-things now
you and me, It's
'All fun, ' Tu m'as dit

It's all fun and games
like Lord of the Flies and Jack
Jack
Jack.

It's that smell of last
cigarette
on your clothes
the hole burned through your white cotton
tshirt, pink lipgloss on the cuff of your sleeve
where has she been kissing?
I shouldn't care.
You're sixteen, seventeen
eighteen?
You're too old, you're too young
i'm the little sister, aren't you suppose to be
worried
about me?

It's a lullaby now, a song of return a
scent i associate with family
smoke
sweat and
sugar.

For a while i ignored what everyone said
you were my best friend
I stood
I sat
I waited
for you


and in the end you didn't wait for me.