everyone hates you if
you're competition, but
I'm not competing any
more, am I?

and when i looked
at you, we were older
so much different than
the first time beneath
the salmon spotlight.

i pulled away and
you sighed as if my
lips were only poetry.

it is awful
to see the
hatred in
myself.

a place in the garden
early morning gardenias
lemon tea on the dewy
grass, I found quick
glimpses of heaven
in my childhood.

I remember when you
told us your dad abused
you and would lash your
bare skin on the ground
till you bled bones and
hair but he's your hero
now, I wonder if you
remember the lies
that you told, you
are so caught up
in yourself, I
can't stand it.
But they say
the things we
hate in our-
selves we
hate in
others

A pound per grudge
45% lean body mass.

I remember you dipped out
before I got on the wheel of
fire, shaking your head, and
I stood in line by myself. Oh,
but you'll do anything for your
sister won't you? I hate you for
this. I hate you for that.

You are too late for everything.

she says she want to do something
radical
to her body, but i no longer have an
urge to save these people anymore
because in what way have my words
ever made a difference, these people I
have loved just nod their head and
gratefully accept evils of all form
with open arms.

On this side
I mouth words
through steel
hexagons and
hope someone
hears, because
I really am the
parts of a society
that people have
come to hate in
a backwards
country.

I had a dream
I was still trying
to outrun you,

what was that?
5th grade? I could
hear you behind

me, a thick breath
that got closer so
I ran faster, no

no, I cannot lose to
you again, I can't
be ugly, I can't

be alone on the playground
anymore, I can't be alone on
the swing-set, I can't go home
until this is done. No, Sierra, I
can't be the outcast again. I

can't beat you
can i? I just have

let go.

Take your knives and
graters, peel my onion
layers, get me pure
down to my core.

I once had an affinity
for apple butter and
slices of roast beef.
Everything in the
world has always
mattered to me,
so yeah, I have
been stressed
since birth.

i wish i could love him
the way that I used to
I'm a yawn away but
the bridge is too high
on walls too long, I
cannot love you the
way i used to. But
at the same time
I cry out in despair
don't leave me, I'm
not ready for that.

were you to walk into
my life, you might smell
chai tea and sweet berry
lotion, I hope that would
be enough to comfort

you

should it bother me
that I care for you
more than your
family? those
who say, oh
yes, we
raised
you


right?

I'm sure if
i met you i
would only
want to hold
you and tell
you it would
be alright.

I don't want to know what you're doing

(everyone else does)
(and they like you for it too)

(in the silence
he is doing the
worst of things)

(I'm afraid that
one day he will
say, I'm so sorry
so sorry, I did
what I said I
would not)

(but my fear is
unwarranted,
that would mean
that I wanted to
believe--that I
trusted in what
I should not)


so in the end
it's still my

fault.

I'm in the wilderness
beneath the trees,call
me out, come find me
come find me, I'm in

the desert underneath
the sun, hear me out,
hear me out, come
find me, if I'm only a

sheep in the pasture,
in the dark, do not
leave me, do not

leave me.

oh
won't
you
find
me

Oh what wonderful
fruits they must have
in heaven*, my father
murmured quietly to
himself.

who am i to tell
people where they
should find happiness
because it's never where
I do.

i remember someone once saying
oh, but you and Chaz were suppose
to be the ones who lasted and now I
look back and wonder how I could
have ever thought I wouldn't be
able to live without him, how
on earth do I think any of
these things? I never
seem to be able to
see the bright
side.

if we are all the
1% then what
are we.

there
are a
whole
lot of
excuses

i hate that
color that
off black
off green
dishwater
safe paint
forever
sealed
into
your
epidermis

why do people
write on them-
selves? do you
have to cut your
skin to show you

care?
would
not words
spoken do that


better?

I'm not
entirely
sure you
will bring
May flowers.

shirt on
no more
play, all
work,he
did this

He says that she

loves me

but I know better

I know

people

he is leaving again
like the first time, I
am not buried in his
shirts anymore, his
hair is cut, his arms
are stained and I am
still fervently angry
without knowing why
why, why, and worst
of all I do not know
where I am going or
who i am meant to be
and it is all very awful
he's leaving, and I want
him to forget about me
please just forget about

me.

it is an interesting feeling
to hear someone agree, I
can only imagine what it
will be like when someone

understands.

You are a vase half
full up to your thighs
so don't be ashamed of
the way your hips swing
full of wine, up to your waist
you're not a waste, only you
could bear the leaves that
you do.

there is nothing quite like a
warm body with a soul, they
breathe and gurgle beneath
you. how could something so
fragile exist and love and feel
the things they do, how does
something so beautiful end
up between your arms,
how do we find these
others, these people
these pieces?

too often i am
scared of the
love I will
not have
on some
days

remember that you are
the product of all your
ages, of every fight and
tantrum, of all the words
and names, so treat the
parts of you the way you
would have liked and don't
be afraid to talk to yourself
because contrary to popular
belief, you aren't that crazy.

we sighed only memories
for this state on the way
home because we are
both scared of what
lies ahead, but I
promise you
will fall in
love chris
I promise
you will
fall in
love

again.

Sometimes my mom speaks
to God in the afternoon, and
I hear her through the walls
her whispers, but mostly her
why nots and what ifs, how sos

I marveled at
how small her
nose was and
a tongue that
was the size of
a penny, all I
could do was
whisper, shh
I love you
baby, I love
you.

and if you
have others
you should
be around
them I
guess.

is what I told
him, and my
room seemed
suddenly very
small and I
was aware
that none
of my books
could talk to
me the way
a soft voice
could.

there was once a group
of girls who used my name
as a verb, and the boy I loved
smoked **** with them and
forgot about the times I cried in his
arms asking what I did wrong to anyone.

I
spend too long
pulling at my skin
in the mirror silently
abhorring my body with-
out which I couldn't exist, and I
wish I could see the beauty in the
way my joints fold and unfold but
all I see is the line across my stomach
and a decade of hiding at the swimming
pool.

It's strange how I used to
trust you so much and every
other word that came out of my
my mouth was Chris would never
do that but I was never snide about it.
Always with a smile.  Back then I could
touch your skin without flinching and
it didn't feel like you were bruising
my shoulders when you kissed
them. But now every silence
is a joint  every phrase
is a lie, and I can't
bring myself to
believe that
anything
you say
is the

truth

Each breath
kept, a warm timbre,
piano chord behind
finches.

will
i
ever
be
happy

something strange and deep
hurts beneath my ribs, hardly
a flesh wound, but it exists without
a doubt. And because I can't get to it
I can't solve it. I hate math, but my entire
existence is an equation without a formula.