I remember sometimes I'd try everything in my power to get you to laugh, and how sometimes it didn't work. Yet there were those special moments in between the lack of reciprocation and fights I'd get you to give me that look. I walk up to you
"Hey my friends are having a party tonight and I know we just met but it'd be cool if you came." We were dating well past a year at this point, flash forward three hours and we're drunk sitting on couches with strangers around us. "Hey, Paul right? I'm glad you decided to come" the people around us get excited over what they think is a budding relationship, you look over to them smile and say "This is my girlfriend..."

We saw each other tonight. We talked about the ****** living situation you're in because we're no longer living together. We talked about old secret handshakes we had with our siblings and couldn't control the laughter. You asked to take me out to dinner soon, how quickly I wanted to say yes surprised me. I told you I would think about it instead. The way you love me eats me up inside and reminds me of the way I loved when I was younger. So selflessly and heart wrenching at the same time. How it hurt to love something that much, but I couldnt control it. How it felt like my brain was cracking in two and every cell in my body was exploding when they said they no longer wanted to be mine. I feel that way tonight, I feel that terrible pain in my gut that makes me feel like we should have never split up in the first place, that I should just forgive you and tell you to come back home. But I can't, not yet.

It's almost 1am and I'm laying down to sleep. The fan is not running and you aren't here to rock me to sleep. I can truly think of a million reasons why we shouldn't be together, but I am so drawn to you. I'm drawn to the way you hold me, I'm drawn to the way you move the little bits of hair out of my face, I'm drawn to the way you're not afraid to get your hands ***** and work. I miss you. I miss how we would laugh together in our dim smokey room. I miss how we would conquer tasks that laid before us, how we would evolve tenfold past what set us back. I miss the light that shown within you.

I'm sitting at my work desk after hours because I have to get this off my chest. You loved me in ways I couldn't love you back.  I loved him in ways he would never understand. These empty nights of  just sitting alone  haunt me. They bring me back to all my winters past where my skin turns a ghostly white and my eyes sink in like a body on a soft mattress. I felt tattered and worn when I was yours. In fact I have felt that way with all of my lovers, tattered and worn like a favorite piece of clothing, worn so much it's falling apart.
I am again falling apart.