I want to be happy.

I want to be content with the simplicity of life.

I want to stop living in extremes.

I want to feel what it is like to be in love
              without having to relive old memories.

I want to stop experiencing highs off of sadness.

I want to be able to take a deep breath
                in order to feel relief
                           rather than a gasp for air
                                     instinctual to my survival.

I want to welcome passion in again
               with wide open arms
                          feeling its embrace
                                   remembering its smell

When someone doesn't see the potential of what could be

try not to be angry
         try not to be sad
                   try not to blame yourself
                            try not to wonder why you weren't good enough

try

try to accept that it simply wasn't meant to be experienced
        try to accept that he simply didn't see just how great you are
              try to accept that he simply didn't see just how much you
                      had to offer him

you shouldn't have to wait around for someone

to realize just how great you could be together
        to realize just how worth it you are
                  to realize that you could've pulled each other
                        out of the darkest corners of your souls
                                that you both know too well.

but instead he will sit in the dark

alone

and when he sees you bright and gleaming

he will wonder why he ever even preferred the comfort of darkness

When I think of change in my own life
I think of doors surrounding me
suffocating me
almost

with each change that occurs in life
I open a different door
creating an entirely new set of doors to choose from

but with endless amounts of doors
how do I begin to choose which to open?

some doors are already cracked open
while others are locked shut

some doors are freshly painted
while others are cracked, peeling at the touch

so how do I decide?

how do I decide between
opening the already cracked door
or finding the key to the locked one

how do I decide between
opening the new door
or the door that's falling apart

because
regardless of how it looks on the outside
the inside is unknown

you can pick the easy door
but easy isn't always worthwhile

you can pick the appealing door
but appealing isn't always logical

the doors surround you daily
waiting for you to decide
growing impatient

do you rush and pick a door
and risk opening the wrong door

or do you wait
in an attempt to plan out every possible option
resulting in you feeling stuck
frozen in place
unable to move
unable to choose

feeling stuck may be miserable
but looking back and regretting your decision
wishing you could turn around and go back is just as bad
isn't it?

I think sometimes what stops us from following our gut is the fear of rejection

You know what you want
but you're afraid you won't get it
or that the other person won't feel the same way anymore
or that it won't work out

it's a risk
and some of us aren't risk takers
but I think we should be

when I said I didn't want to live anymore
and you looked the other way
claiming that your intention was pure
telling me that you thought that what I needed at the time was not you

when in reality that was simply
your way out

out of the toxicity we knew as love

I read something once that expressed how it isn't someone's responsibility to stay and fix a significant other

and so I can't blame you for leaving me at my worst

but
I'd like to know if the same rules apply when you're the sole reason your significant other needs to be "fixed"
are you still allowed to leave?
I guess it doesn't matter
because you did..

as much as I knew you loved me
you did not love me enough to see me live

as much as I wanted to die
I'm just thankful that I didn't

because the guilt you would feel
would be almost unbearable
forever

but instead
you got to move on

well
move on enough to be with someone else
even if its temporary

while I'm still here dealing with the aftermath

I know that I've come a long way
but I also still know that I have a way to go

I also know that regardless of your relationship status currently
you still do love me
you love me but
again
not enough to act on it
only enough to reach out from time to time
only enough to check up on my social media
in the hopes that you see something that shows you that I'm thinking of you

is that even love?
maybe
but I think it's the manipulative kind

and I deserve something more than that
much more

and before I used to dream about you giving me more

but I think we're still both smart enough to see that as much as we may think we have changed we haven't

you're still the guy who strings me along with no regards of my feelings
enough to give me a taste
but leaving me hoping that I will crave more
with no intentions on giving me exactly that

and I'm still the girl
who's feels things much deeper than she wants
who still needs some fixing
who gets herself into trouble with love

but I'm on my way
and I'm not sure that I can say the same thing about you

I pray that I can one day

It's true
as time goes on
our memories start to become more fuzzy
but not all of them

I can't stop thinking about my cousin

how earth shattering it was to get that call that he had died

that the disease he was fighting with for years finally caught him

to this day something that will haunt me is the thought of just how mad my cousin must've been when he woke up in heaven realizing what he had done

how much ******* regret he must feel
how much he must miss us

my family is forever altered by what had happened
we never truly healed
we never will

and I don't think this is something anyone can relate to
unless you have experienced the same heart break first hand

I remember getting the call from my dad the morning after a night out with friends to tell me what had happened.

I remember rushing home to my uncle's house to find my entire family, in tears, unable to comprehend.

I remember spending days where all my family did was become numb in order to get things done and then cry when they were finally finished for the day.

I remember walking into the funeral home thinking it was just a really bad movie.

I remember my one cousin saw the casket and started screaming
she fell to the floor not being able to hold herself up
and kept repeating that she was unable to do this

I remember my father humming songs in his head for hours trying to block out the reality of what was happening to our family.

I remember my family going up to the open casket and kissing my cousin's dead, cold body on the head, repeatedly.

I remember the guilt I felt for not having a stronger relationship with him.

I remember everything
so ******* vividly
even 2 years later

and I don't think it'll ever get fuzzy.

If you look through my poems it tells the same story
over and over again.

pain
numb
healing
confusion

repeat.

you'd think I'd be tired of it by now
or at least enough to put an end to it.

It's because I have fallen into the habit of not letting my brain process things.
When I get hurt
I have a day or two of wallowing
and then I refuse to let myself get like that again.

I used to think that was healthier.
Blocking everything out.

but to this day...

if you bring up my high school boyfriend
I block out the fact that I envisioned my entire future with him and it still hurts thinking that it won't happen.

if you bring up my college boyfriend
I block out the fact that I was so irrevocably in love with him to ever even want to put an end to the toxicity.

I block out the fact that my inability to love again is because I have already given all of my love out and I feel as though I have nothing left to give. Or maybe it's because as much as I want to experience love again I turn down any opportunity of it because of my pure fear of it not working.

Writing helps
for however long it takes me to write that day
I allow myself to not block everything out
to take down the barrier temporarily
and to feel

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit

it has been 3 years.