I am in mourning.
I am regularly in tears.
I mourn the death of freedom
That we thought we had for years.
I mourn the death of patriotism
In an America once so great.
It has been replaced with bigotry,
Overtly replaced by hate.

I mourn the death of my country
That I used to be so proud of.
IT has been slapped int he face
By a storm troopers’ mailed glove.
I mourn the advent of cultism
Where due process is a crime.
I am so sad to see this land
Step back seven decades in time.

I wear a black armband now
To signal the loss of leadership.
Our land had taken up the cause
Of letting rights to equality slip.
I have lost almost all my serenity,
My sadness interrupts my sleep.
I try hard to rise above this fear
But the hatred runs too deep.

We have suffered fools before
In the office of our President.
We had so many years of madness
To picket, protest and resent.
But this time there is open hatred
For well over half our population.
I bow my head and cry out loud
For this dark time in our poor nation.

You made excuses and ruses
And egregious misuses
Of all we hold sacred;
You misplayed it to the hilt
Until you almost killed
Almost all of us with lies.
So many were unwise
And fell for each guise
Every smiling mask
And gave them what they asked
So they could bask in false glory.

We didn’t notice our story
Did not match the tale as told
And before the ink could grow old
Each criminal prophet grew more bold
And, changing the names of blessings
They continued messing around
Until our Constitution was on the ground
Trampled in the dirt by those
Who cannot ever be hurt.

Because they bribe those of us
Who have missed the bus
Somewhere back in elementary school
When they didn’t play by the rules
And we didn’t learn what cheating looked like;
Didn’t tell the cheats to take a hike
And let us get on with making better
The world they were destroying by the letter
Just as they tore up the words
Of those who started us all and heard
Our voices of blood and pain.
They are greedy enough to want us to fail again.

Our wedding license was
Just a promissory note;
A thing a compulsive
Liar once wrote.
Something Billy Jack
Once said, in short,
"Written so you could
Get out of it in court."

I find myself saying
When it's all said and done
"What  are you, anyway,
A secret republican?"
I thought it was just political
But, you devious little cuss,
Your sidewinding ways
Have slopped over into us.

A one-sided marriage
Is what we have now.
I put up with it all this time
But please don't ask me how.
It has been rather like you
Don't know what marriage is for
So write this down someplace:
I'm not gonna take it anymore.

One person by himself
Simply cannot make a pair.
Hey saddest thing of all
Is I doubt did you will care.
A month or two from now
Or maybe further on
You might look up and discover
That half your team is gone.

Just when I start to thinking
I am finally moving on
I look around and discover
You’re still gone.
I’m finding out how many
Hours until each dawn
By counting my own tears
Since you’re gone.

I tell myself to grow up
And then I want to throw up.
I feel like something died
And it’s right here inside.

I’m not making plans at all
I’m an ineffective pawn
To fate and all her harpies
On a limb halfway sawn.
I brought all this on myself,
I lie awake and I yawn
And hope when I wake up
I’ll find you’re not gone.

My life feels like it’s over
Like I’ll never have another
Chance to be in love like this
That yours was my last kiss.

Just when I start to thinking
I am finally moving on
I look around and discover
You’re still gone.
I’m finding out how many
Hours until each dawn
By counting my own tears
Since you’re gone.

I will trust you.
I will believe in you
That you have my heart
And my best interests
Firmly in mind
That you will look out
For me and defend me
And will not be tempted
By the many distractions
That life can offer.
That you will not succumb
To the call of power
That my trust gives
And you will not mislead
Or lie, or betray me
Instead will work with me
To improve what we have
And work toward the future
Without measure or deceit
With complete integrity.
That you won’t mess with me
And tell me one thing
Then do a complete other.
That our relationship together
Will be as valuable to you
As it is to me, today
And everyday.
I don’t want to have to
Ask you for all of this.
It’s like a loving kiss.
It doesn’t work if
I have to ask for it.
But it hurts if you ignore it.

And in this way, love
Is so very much like
How we see the people
We elect to serve us.
If we are this blind
They deserve us.
And we deserve them
If we elect them
On some romantic whim
That everything will be
Just fine if it is a mystery.

Did you miss me when you left?
You can trust that I missed you.
I wish you hadn’t moved away
But maybe it was best for you.
Nobody wants to be a warden
Holding you against your will.
I opened my hand, you flew away.
But, remember, I love you still.

Did you miss the time we had
Sitting together at end of day?
Do you miss the jokes we shared
And the funny things we’d say?
Are this uncomfortable for you?
Have you, even once, awakened sad
Missing the closeness and love
The special bond we knew we had?

Are there many times in a day
You wish you could take it all back
And come back home here to me?
So, why not go ahead and pack?
Your half of the bed is still there
You pillow still has your cologne.
There is no reason either of us
Should continue to live alone.

I understand what happened
Nobody likes a ball and chain
Weighing them down every day.
It’s a silent but deadly kind of pain.
So, I have learned from what I was
And have become a lighter weight.
Come back home, let’s start again.
And this time, we’ll make it great.

Yesterday came back to me today.
An old lover called to say a hello
And say how much our love
Meant to him so long ago.
It’s especially meaningful to me
That he would call this way
Because I look back to him and see
The beauty we felt in a long ago day.

And that it still meant something
The same as it does for me,
That love and our closeness
Was more than just a memory.
It happened at a time when we
Both needed a boost in our hearts
To let us both see that love could start.

And we both needed that so much
Because we had fallen into doubt.
Being close, touching and loving
Let us bring those feelings out.
They were suddenly out in plain sight
So they could no longer be denied.
We took a chance and fell in love
And set all our fears to one side.

Not, it did not last forever, then
We both later moved on to learn
There is more than one place
That a warming fire can burn.
But apparently it was strong enough,
That feeling we felt back then,
That neither of us were afraid
To begin to love again.

I am such a child, green and unproud,
Wanting to lie here and watch clouds;
See them become huge people’s faces
And traces form into beaches and streams,
Living all sorts of happy waking dreams
In those puffy forests above my eyes.
The skies talk to me of love and cries
That I should be happy here and stay
Not run away, postpone for another day
Decisions and ambitions and ideas
To revel instead in what a joy this is;
This Eden, this fairyland, this heaven.

I am not selfish in my desire, this fire,
That joyhood; that girlhood and boyhood
Will remain as strong, and as soothing
Smoothing down the ruffles of time.
It can’t be a punishable adult crime
That we drift away, on some days
And ignore the tooting of horns.
They weren’t there when we were born.
There were no parking tickets for us
The school sent the big yellow bus
We didn’t have to wait on the street
Rain and snow on our heads and feet.

To me, it is a gift a wonder and a treat
That we can give up our office seat
And retreat to some park or sweet  plain
And once again go back to when this,
Life as sky and earth, again gives birth
To contentment and security for each
And teaches that it’s not beyond reach.
We can return to good places in our soul.
That should be our own permanent goal.
We can see the beauty of the country
In our own county or our own village
And celebrate the majesty of the image
Of being under the clouds, carefree
To make them what we want them to be.

There now is a guy in D.C.
Who thinks he is king there, you see.
He built a big list
And no one was missed
That he wants to throw into the sea.

He decided his kingdom should be
His kind of democracy;
Where we’ll do what he said
Or we’ll end up dead
And he can claim solidarity.

The guy is quite plainly eluded
He wants certain people excluded
He thinks we don’t see
His gross villainy;
The emperor is completely denuded.

He thinks our land is his plaything
He issues demands that are dismaying.
His delusions are obvious.
He’s out to ruin all of us.
It’s a dangerous game he is playing.

Some of us hope he gets locked up
And based on the plans he has hocked up
He reminds of a dumb *****
Who is surprised once more
When she finds out that she’s knocked up.

You’re my now and then lover
And I never know just when
You’re going to go away
And if you’re coming back again.
I know these are the rules
We are supposed to both play
But I don’t know anyone else
Who likes to do things this way.

You said your spirit is free
And I understood it to be
Something you wanted to have
For both you and me.
But I’m not that kind of person
And I told you from the start.
This go and come relationship
Just serves to break my heart.

At the start I made excuses
Just for the sake of going steady
But too much time has passed
And I discovered I’m not ready.
And maybe I will never change
And never quite turn out to be
The kind of person you need,
A kindred soul, no ties and free.

So, with my soul crying out loud
Like the romantic child I seem to be
I have to say goodbye to you
And let your body and spirit run free.
I may never understand this thing
That won’t ever let you settle down;
That lets you love me deeply
But constantly go and fool around.

So, I will have to let you go
And become a hot memory;
One that I will keep in my heart
That will always mean a lot to me.
I must accept that for a while
I chose you and you chose me.
And that you believe in a love
That’s all about freedom, but sadly
It’s was not about me.
And never can be.
So go and be free.

Staggery lop-legged, dordeedor.
Loopy and goofy, you silly billy.
The kind of clown you can’t ignore.
Flinging arms around ***** nilly.

You could always make me laugh
With some silly way you would talk
And bust me up even further with
One of many kinds of goofy walks.

Hardy har har, giggly snort.
Made me laugh; a comic relief.
No, not even a last resort
Honey, you're funny, beyond belief.

Yeah, you know when to be
As serious as is required
But you know how to get me.
It’s just the way you’re wired.

Nobody needs to ever imply
Your goofy act is a crime.
To me it was always funny,
It was remarkably sublime.

Nobody better tell you that
It’s some kind of disgrace.
I’ll tell them off viciously
And right to their face.

I don’t want to hear any of
A disparaging kind of talk.
I laugh and love you even because
Of your hilarious silly walk!

Loving another man is not that easy.
So much depends on who you choose.
If a guy feels he really doesn’t need you
You find you’re on a rocky path to lose.
If he’s a man with some excuses
That let him run away and hide
You’ll find out the many uses
He can think up to play outside.

Words like ‘straight acting’ and ‘manly’
Might be what your guy is all about?
He might be into surface acceptance.
You owe it to yourself to find out.
Or maybe he doesn’t even really believe
That sleeping with men makes him gay.
The only person that gets really hurt here
Is he who hopes he wakes up someday.

There must be something behind it all.
So many people go by a guy’s looks.
Just look for the cutest one and you
Will wind up in the history books.
You will have become notorious for
Being the biggest patsy of them all.
The cuter the guy, the higher you go
And the further you will have to fall.

In years to come the jokes will tire
And the first love thing will fade away.
You’ll need something more than looks
To even listen to the words he’ll say.
People will understand why you chose
To be with him when it all starts out.
But, after first glimpses have gone away
They will wonder what it was all about.

What does he believe in, what gods?
What does he want in life, what dreams?
You may not care about the envy of friends
If all you can manage to do is to scream.
It is totally possible to go to bed with a ten
And wake up with a six or maybe a seven.
If superficiality and meaningless ***
Works for you, it may think it is heaven.

The facts are there, if thought is given,
The truth is what must always be there.
If you live a lie or help someone else to
You’ll probably end up in a life of despair.
Your friends will feel sorry, but really what
Can they do to help you in your condition?
In order for someone like him to hurt you,
You had to have given him permission.

I remember so much
But how much of it was true.
I remember being much bigger
And the house I lived in was too.
I remember how deep the voices
Of the adults living around me.
I recall them as basso profundo,
Not high, nasal and twangy.

I remember people said things
Like “God bless her” a whole lot
But these days, they still say it
But do they mean it, I think not.
I remember singing at church
“Jesus loves the little children.”
They never once had me sing
“But not if they are little heathens!”

I remember while in school
“All men are created equal”.
They should have told me instead,
“Only if they are white people
And then only if they are Christian
From the same church we go to
On Christmas and Easter, kid.”
Because that was our religion.

I remember being told repeatedly
“Do unto others, as they do unto you.”
Later I found out they didn’t mean it.
For gay people it wasn’t true.
Then it was do unto others whatever,
As long as they stay in their place.
They must not kiss or hold hands
Because being gay is a disgrace.

I remember being taught that God
Created everything on this earth
But somehow that teaching missed
Those born non-white or gay at birth.
I remember some nice sounding things
Being said with everyone watching,
But hatred and bigotry like a virus
Seemed to be much more catching.

ECHOES

Lord knows, I’ve
Walked a lot of roads
I’ve told a lot of lies
And didn’t end up wise
From telling stories
About nonexistent glories,
But I must admit
I learned a bit from it.
I shucked and I
Shuffled and I
Pretended a lot.
The suffering it brought
Was only sort of worth it
If you can compare it
To how ignorant I was
When I started out
Had no idea what I was about.

I had to hurt a lot of people
Saw my lovers weep while
I stumbled on to the next one
Telling myself I was having fun
But the pain had not begun
Not really, just a hint
Of how bent I had become
And how I came to mean
So very little to anyone
Or to myself it seemed.
I never dreamed
It could hurt
So much
To live without touch.

Now, with nothing to boast
What I miss the most
Is laughing together
At silly jokes
Sharing some tokes
With people glad to see me
Instead of hiding from me
And hoping I forget
Where they live
And living to regret
I had so little to give.
I wish that was a jest
But it’s really the best
I can say about myself
Back then
Back when
I was a fool.

Brent Kincaid
2/9/2015

I remember when we used to sing
And talk long walks in early spring.
We made up songs to fit the time
And sometimes setting life to rhyme.
We made each other Christmas gifts
And felt our common spirits lift.

I remember staying up all night
Drinking B&B; in the early light
Walking together up distant hills
Taking our minds off paying bills.
We went to town for adventure.
We held hands despite censure
When people frowned we kissed.
The times I would not have missed.

I remember some pillow fights;
Friends came to spend the night.
And baking pans and pans of bread
Or whatever we took into our heads.
We all got high and painted faces
And cut our tee shirts into laces.
Yes, those were younger silly times
Somehow they were just sublime.

I remember making love a lot
And still finding each other hot;
Thinking though times were rough
What we had was good enough.
Even though those days are gone
We learned a lot from moving on.
We learned we could love and be
Owners of beautiful memories.

You and I shared childhood
When dreams seemed real
And life spun on a wheel
Of fun in our neighborhood.
We stayed out as late as can
Before our mothers called
And needed not much at all
We made fun with two tin cans.

Rolling down hills together
Like sledding without a care
And snowfall everywhere.
Our fun didn’t need weather.
We made up our own games
With just rocks and sticks
Forts we built for kicks
And we gave them clever names.

We took our time for granted
Like tomorrow was never
We’d go on and on forever
Like two human trees planted.
But looking back we can see
We were but a lovely hour
Wilting like a lovely flower
And had no true immortality.

Still the memories are pleasant
And speak softly over years
About having fun without fear
And learning from life lessons.
We need to savor every gift
And take them all to heart.
Remember those and start
To let our aging spirits lift.

(For my cousin, Louise Stacer Alexander)

There is really nothing
A Southern boy can do
If the one he loves
Is a Southern boy too.
I’m lower than a crook
Never welcome here.
But it’s a chance I took
Because I am a queer.

We played all the roles
Like we were normal guys.
For the most part we did so
Since honesty was not wise.
Straight Southern boys
Live a life of total fear
That someone might think
One of them is queer.

We were both athletes
So, it was easy to hide.
We knew we were in love
But we hid it all inside.
The mindset in the South
is all about Lord Jesus
Southern gay boys don’t ever
Get to do whatever pleases.

Down South the rule is
Who you are doesn’t matter
But if you quote scripture
You can be as mad as a hatter.
So perfectly healthy gays
Each new Southern generation
Is forced to act as if they were
Still living on the plantation.

The only hope for gays
Beneath the Mason-Dixon line
To move up north somewhere
And that will be just fine.
That will bring the idea of gays
Quietly to a proper end
And then the South can be pure
Just like God wants it again.

Do you remember
Waiting by the door
For me to come home
Just a little after four?
Do you remember
Wondering if I were hurt
Lying by a road somewhere
Injured in the dirt?

How many times did I
Disappoint you with lies?
How many times did you
Assume I was too unwise
In my chose of friends
Who drank and smoked
Engaging in philandering
Just like old ***** jokes?

Did you catch me out
With strangers on the make?
Did you ask yourself
“Just how much can I take?”
Did you rage and howl
And call yourself a fool
Who seems to have learned little
All those years in school?

Did some friends tell you
You needed to confront
And tell me what a rat I was
To leave you here in want.
Did you lie and defend me
And keep our secrets well hid?
Did you worry we were through?
You say you didn’t do all that?
Well, the truth of it is, I did.

I want to be here when
The world starts improving
When the evil people
All begin to moving away.
I want to watch as everyone
Starts smiling all the time;
When poverty and sickness
Disappear with all crime one day.

I want to be in that crowd
Of those who celebrate being free
And believe all people everywhere
Show treat others with equality.
I want to sing the old songs about
Peace and love in the by and by
But see it all happening right then
Right in front of my own eyes.

I want to join in making a world
Where others love helping others
Where men don’t leave the raising
Of their children strictly to the mothers.
I long for a humanity that cheers
Every life that comes into it.
And helps each new life that comes
Be able to feel love every minute.

I want a world where evil words
Shrivel the tongues of those who
Speak those ugly words aloud and
Keeps them from thinking them too.
I look forward to a world where
Nobody celebrates cheating and thieving.
I want a world where politicians must
Must speak aloud what we are believing.

And let my brothers and sisters all
Stop praying in thoughts of hatred.
Let them lie down and be in peace
And rise each morning from the bed
Filled with the rejoicing that comes
From knowing that they are alive.
Let these feelings of love and sharing
And peace all come to pass and survive.

You and I were meant to spend
An afternoon alone again
Where the river took a bend.
No family, guests or friends.
Two of us bound to begin
A fortune known to so few men;
The luck of both engaging in
A love that was unknown then.

Dedicated no one would smother
The love we felt for one another
Stronger than the love for a brother
Denied to us by father and mother
We chose for ourselves to be lovers,
Looked for permission from no others
No matter who that might bother.

We made a choice, the two of us
To ignore if our friends might cuss;
We chose to rise above fuss
To make our own lives and just
To let the walls between us rust
We chose to go for broke or bust
Right or wrong we knew we must
Do what was best for the two of us.

So glad we followed our own lead
And chose to go after what we need;
Decide for ourselves what voice to heed,
Become a love story others would read.
We knew which flowers we should feed
And which ones to let go to seed.
We rode off and love's pure steed
And happily wished each other Godspeed!

Did you ever have a dream
Of your perfect love, then find it?
I have not, but go ahead and tell me.
I won’t mind it.
Did you end up cuddling and
Falling for each other?
I ended up heartbroken each time
And living with my brother.

Did you go on walks by streams
And kiss at sundown?
Good for you. I took a full time job
Working as a fast food clown.
Do you two have a song you chose
That reminds you of joy?
I have a jack-in-the-box I wind up
A favorite childhood toy.

The main point seems to me to be
Relationships are not for everyone
Otherwise for me my joy in life
Should already have begun.
I guess it’s good that I chose for me
A hobby of monster puzzles
With crazy, greatly detailed pictures
And plenty of soda to guzzle.

I accept that I am not the kind
To attract my lifelong love.
Some people just automatically
Meet and fit like a glove.
I base that assumption on myself
And what I have been through.
It never has happened before
So, why now? What’s new?

Ollyollyoxenfee
All those out can come in free
Many times I got defeated
Sometimes my brother cheated
But it was fun in the coming dark
Playing this game in the park
Better than cowboys and Indians.
We had no issues back then
The cowboys were the good
And the Indians never could
Be good guys, the heroes
Because we’d all seen the shows.

We played ball until evening
When the daylight was thinning.
It messed with our prowess
In the darkening hours
So, we played hide and seek
Like we did every week
And some of us got better
And some not quite ever.
Until our moms would decide
We should all quit and go inside.

These memories have celebrated
Time when life was uncomplicated
And having fun with our friends
Was the happy means to an end.
We didn’t need any electricity
For fun without any real enmity.
Wealth wasn’t the point in that
We just needed trees and a bat.
Then home to our supper glad
For the outrageous time we had
Being happy and having fun
Until the night had begun.

I am trying, and have been for years
To live longer than my childhood fears.
I am told it is not reasonable to moan
After the decades have come and gone
Between a child’s burned skin
And the adult body I am living in.
It always confused me as to why
Adults think a hurt child mustn’t cry.

Maybe the abuse they got as kids
Told them all crying must be hid
Away in some secret closet of shame.
Well, this is real life; not the same.
The real world doesn’t play by rules
Written by a bunch of sadistic fools.
Honor thy mother and father doesn’t work
If your parents are homicidal jerks.

A woman I worked with once went wild,
Screamed, “No mother would hurt their child”.
It was a stupid thing for her to posit,
But, she never saw bodies in closets.
She never experienced middle class kids
That looked like third world children did
From having nothing to eat but dirt.
It’s impossible to excuse that kind of hurt.

Such childhood horror doesn’t just go away;
This lack of hope to expect a better day.
That child usually grows up with no trust.
Something strong inside of them went bust.
They live their lives grabbing what they can
As if they never grew to be an adult man
Or woman that believes people are kind.
Sometimes it's because their peers are blind.

They don’t see the support mustn’t stop
Because someone kind soul has called a cop
And busted evil evil people who hurt children.
The fear and distrust stays; they’re human.
These are people with something basic broken
And saying “poor kid” can be just a token,
When what is needed is for them to share
With people around, every day, that care.

Memory can be a trickster
The part of the mind that is devious
The prankster, the liar, the cheat
The rascal that is often mischievous.
Memory can enlarge and diminish,
Or capriciously decide to desert you.
It can make a disappointment of truth
Or make an dreadful lie seem true.

Houses you used to know very well
Suddenly have shrunk so small.
Pathways you thought you knew
No longer go anywhere at all.
Music that once swelled the heart
Now seems like so much noise
Memory has sneaked in to the mind
And run off with some of the joys.

People you once depended on
Have faces or names you forgot.
Cherished books from yesterday
Must be reread to recover the plot.
Some favorite rhymes once quoted
To entertain and maybe just amuse
Are no longer stashed in the memory
Right there for you to pick up and use.

Games and hobbies, old favorites
No longer carry that much charm.
Along with other forgotten things
They seem to have come to some harm.
That’s not to say this is everything
And nothing remains sweet and true.
I know for the rest of my life
I will always remember you.

Hundreds of years have gone by
Since some guys in America
Wrote down some words, then gathered
In armed hordes; resisting, insisting  
On the rights of common liberty.
These centuries later, greater men and women
Have fought for our freedoms;
Written documents and laws
But still I am not free.

Life is still without certain kinds of liberty.
I am still stopped from being what I want to be.
I am still commanded,
It is still demanded
That I ignore the concepts we defended,
The ideas our founders intended.
Instead I am ordered to comply
With a religion that I do not worship.
I am not of their fellowship, no matter how many
So, accused of calumny, I am harassed,
Forces amassed so I finally am denied
The very freedoms inside our constitution.
Intuition alone should dissuade them,
Those ignorers of truth, but they oppress.

They chose to forget the mess this country created
When the land and courts defended
And supported the enslaving of humans.
Is this so different in a land dedicated  
To keep government and religion separated
Is it so noble to allow this social elitism;
The strong voices of the wealthy  
Tell our society what they can do with their bodies?

One quarter Dumplets
One quarter aware
One quarter lazy fools
One quarter don't care
A huge percentage of voters
Pay little attention to facts.
We know that because we see
They ignore the way Trump acts.

They have a list of lies they say
To excuse their lack of civic pride.
That includes that **** in Washington
Inviting the enemy to come inside
And collect vital intelligence
Denied to the average voting man.
And that's how the current clown car
And this disgusting circus began.

This should lead to World War III
And/or our nation's destruction.
Our current batch of Republicans
Failed to follow instructions.
Either way the average person
Will need to search through the garbage
To make some kind of living from
What is left after the carnage.

There will be no school or clinics
To take your kids or your ailments to.
If you let them change the constitution
There won't be a thing that you can do.
And the only outcome that will be certain
After we are mashed into the dirt
Is that no one who caused the problems
Will suffer even a minute of hurt.