I still call you just to say
the most ordinary things—
a song I loved, a thought I had,
a funny sign on the side of the road.
Your voice still reaches me,
but through miles that stretch like oceans,
and it’s not the same as having you here.

I still go to the places we planned,
but your absence echoes louder
than any crowded room.
Even the puzzles sit unfinished,
pieces scattered like remnants
of a life that once made sense.

You were my safe place,
the steady ground beneath me,
and now I walk unsteady,
reaching for something
that isn’t there.

But soon—soon, you’ll be here.
And for a moment, I’ll breathe again,
watching your smile fill the spaces
that have ached for too long.
I’ll memorize your voice,
trace the feeling of belonging
before it slips away again.

And then, you’ll leave.
And I’ll know the weight of missing you
before it even begins.
Because this time, I understand
how deep absence cuts,
how cruel it is to taste love again
only to have it torn away.

I don’t know why life did this to me,
why I can’t just sit in your presence,
why I have to learn to live
with only shadows of what was.
But if I could freeze time,
I’d stop it the moment
you walk through that door—
before absence has the chance
to find me again.

Coughing,
grasping for walls
and promises I already broke.
Said I’d quit—
but tonight,
I wanted silence more than strength.

Panic hits,
then slips.
Your name dissolves
with every breath I steal from my lungs.
I wave off the world,
sink into smoke,
and call it peace.

One star streaks
across my high.
I don’t wish.
I just watch—
hoping morning forgets
like I finally did.

The Haze I Chose

Coughing hard,
palms flailing,
grasping at a wall that won’t hold me.
My lungs burn with the lie
I swore I wouldn’t tell again.
Not to them—
but to me.
I said I was done.
That I’d stop chasing silence
in the smoke.
But silence was sweeter
than the echo of your name.

I turn to my side,
curled like the child I used to be
before I knew how sharp love could feel
when it leaves.

I wanted to drown it all—
the hope,
the dreams,
the memories I hate that I still replay.
Every time I screamed,
“You’re so mean,”
and every time I didn’t say it out loud.
Every time I let you win,
pretending it was okay
to be invisible
in your arms.

I set the clock
before I forget the day,
before I lose the minutes
that once held meaning.
My phone buzzes.
I try to reply.
My thumbs miss the words,
and even my autocorrect knows
I’m not making sense tonight.
Messages opened.
None sent.
Just more unread chaos.

My roommate’s voice cuts through the fog,
a soft,
“Are you okay?”
I lift a hand,
wave her away.
That’s all I have to give.

And then—
panic.
It crashes like a wave I didn’t brace for.
Heart racing,
thoughts spiraling.
I feel like time has shattered
and left me in slow-motion shards.
Until—
it doesn’t hurt.

Suddenly,
it’s gone.
The ache,
the scream,
the version of me that begged to stay clean.
Vanished
in a single, glowing ember.

That first inhale warned me—
told me it wasn’t worth it,
told me this isn’t how you heal.
But she was drowned out
by the next wave,
a softer voice
that promised peace
at any cost.
She took my hand
and led me far,
far away
from the girl who used to care.

My mind,
now unburdened,
floats above
the ruins of what you left behind.
No fear.
No grief.
Just space.
A quiet room to feel… nothing.

And that’s what I wanted, right?

To never again remember
how it felt to be in your arms
and still feel so alone.
To never again wake up
wondering what I did wrong.
**** doesn’t fix it.
I know.
But for now—
it blurs the frame
where your face used to live.

I gave you everything.
So what’s left to protect?

I scribble thoughts
in half-sentences
and broken rhymes,
hoping morning-me
will find something honest
in the mess.
Some version of me
worth keeping.

I pull the blanket close,
tuck my knees tight,
as if I could disappear into cotton and warmth.
The ceiling fades.
I’m watching stars now.
They twinkle just enough
to hold me.
One shoots,
and I pretend it’s for me.
A wish I can’t say out loud.

And then—
I drift.

Will I wake
and see the sky
or just the lie I told myself
as I faded?

Either way,
I won’t see you.

Not tonight.

I wanted to speak,
to tear through the lies.
But He was there—
He saw through their eyes.

So I stayed quiet,
though it broke me in two.
Sometimes the loudest defense
is knowing He knew.

I said I’d stop,
but silence felt safer than truth.
Lit it up just to let you go,
watched the hurt fade with the smoke.
One breath,
then none.
Now you’re gone—
or maybe I am.

I could’ve spoken,
could’ve screamed.
But some battles
aren’t mine to fight.

He saw it all—
the looks,
the lies,
the way they tried
to dim my light.

So I stayed still,
not out of fear,
but faith
that justice
has a better voice than mine.

You ache to speak, to set things right,
To call out wrongs done in plain sight.
But silence, heavy as it seems,
Can guard your soul and guard your dreams.

He saw the lies, the twisted truth,
The wounds they hid, the stolen youth.
So hold your peace, let vengeance wait—
God writes the end, not fear or hate.