Who holds the sun,
makes the rain,
he gives you no possessions
…and you will learn nothing,
it’s a gift….
Not a lesson,
His mercy….
You never notice the change,
Memory lost,
Experienced gained
As I am I
You will be you,
Here at last?
Deja Vue
B L Costello © 2017

Last night in bed you held my hand,
You caressed my fingertips,
I felt so very happy,
I thought that we might kiss,
But I was only dreaming,
This bed is an abyss,
I woke up untouched,
My hand in a fist,
And you beside me
Never knew,
Eyes closed,
Perhaps just dreaming,
That smile on your face
Is there any meaning?
I fear someday you’ll tell me,
Is it just a mask?
Watching you turn over,
I am just tired too to ask.
©B L Costello 2019
.

Alone inside her head is such a scary place,
Especially when she thinks too much,
There's hardly any space!
"Just forget about it!"
Sometimes,
I tried to warn her,
But, she cannot listen,
Now she's in the corner,
Sometimes the light can hurt,
The garden is full of weeds,
"Where have all the flowers gone ?
Now she can hardly breathe!
She does not want more medicine!
This is not what she chose,
I'd love to see her Blossom,
My precious little Rose
(c)B L Costello 2019

I cannot make you feel better,
No matter how I try,
You take your own medicine and keep yourself alive,
I cannot make you feel good,
Now, you feel used
I really thought you wanted me,
But I cannot assume,
No...I cannot know everything,
I know I hate to question,
I know that you lack patience,
Your prone to such aggresion,
I cannot stop worrying,
You hate the way I fret,
I hate the names you call me,
That I cannot forget,
No,
I cannot do anything ,
You made that plain to see,
I know I cannot win,
You're much stronger than me

Beautiful child
Sad and true,
I cannot write a poem about you,
Inspired,
I don’t know where to begin,
A victim your suffering makes me cringe,
Angry,
I want to tell the world,
How she hurt that little girl,
But movies and books recorded her fate,
For her there was no escape,
This world is cruel and so obscene,
Neighbors “thought they heard a scream”,
Her torture and hell are finally done,
Why didn’t they tell anyone?
Now, I am tortured,
Haunted and disturbed,
They should have told someone
What they heard.
©B L Costello 2019

"Cried so hard, that my face was wet,
in "Five Years",
I still won't  forget,
I just thank God you fell to earth,
An alien...you were the first,
"Aladinsane",
You went so far,
Conquering demons,
and "The Spiders from Mars",
My "Thin White Duke",
You helped me believe,"We begin and end..in eternity ".

Details lost,
No prints mentioned,
But sin is judged by the intention,
So maybe his spirit will repent,
It could have been an accident,
A suicide,
A cry for help,
Maybe it was someone else……
Too long ago,
Too much to tell,
The only witness,
The Chelsea hotel,
A single room,
Not too fancy,
Good enough for Sid and Nancy
©B L Costello 2019

He plays with himself,
He thinks he competes,
But he never wins,
And he always cheats
So long in the game,
He doesn’t know why,
He likes to keep score,
But it’s always a tie,
Clean for minute,
They call it detox,
*** in a jar,
And shadowbox,
He thinks he ahead,
You can tell by his grin,
But he’s running a race that nobody wins
©B L Costello 2018

She always said, “I love you”
And I believe she did,
She had the kind of honesty you only see in kids.
Perhaps a little simple,
More than just naïve,
But she was so devoted,
She was never mean,
Happy just to please,
She accepted what she lacked,
In a storm, she would give the shirt right off her back
and now we will remember
She’s gone a few hours,
We think about her family….and where to send the flowers?

Sure, that I was done,
I had given up all hope,
I heard the **** crow
And the fat girl cleared her throat,
That pain in my chest,
was not gonna stop,
I was checking out,
The kitchen was too hot,
At last I was alone,
All my friends were gone,
Closing my eyes,
I tried to sing along,
If only I had prayed,
Or maybe exercised,
I could be spared,
Instead….I am surprised,
If only I had listened to the things my father said,
If I was not careless,
or bumped my ******* head,
if I was more wise,
I would have used a net,
Instead I am a victim of the butterfly effect
©B L Costello 2018

Because…. She, is my mother,
Because…. She, gave me life,
I must make arrangements,
But she was never nice,
When I was young and helpless,
I felt her disgust,
When confidence is challenged,
You have no one to trust,
I wanted to trust her!
Sometimes, I would pretend,
But she could not believe what I said about her “Friend”,
And now, she is helpless……
Now, she cannot walk,
Aphasic since the stroke,
She never liked to talk,
She hated a "mess”,
Especially ones I made,
I learned how to clean,
Because…I was afraid,
She never liked to cook,
The staff helps her to eat,
Every time I visit,
They tell me, “she is sweet”,
I wish they knew her then,
I wish that they were right,
I wish she was my friend,
But she was never nice
©B L Costello 2018

Yeah, I’ll say it,
No, I am not scared,
It’s been here all day
Does anyone care?
Yes! I am sober,
I am not seeing pink,
We try to ignore it,
But frankly....it stinks,
Some ignore it,
Yes, I tried,
But something this big cannot be denied
Its bound to get messy,
Where is the broom,
Who let the elephant into the room?
©B L Costello 2018

My poor lost lamb,
Where did you go?
my Angry Young Man,
I did not know,
Words and letters do deceive,
But Sticks and Stones can not hurt me!
Too late, Too soon,
You did not live,
Long enough for me to forgive
I miss you now
Still I Cry,
Someone should have apologized,
Before that Summer Afternoon,
Found too late
You left too soon
(c) B L Costello 2018

Remember how you begged to play?
                      You practiced and worked so hard,
                      Remember how disappointed you were
                      When they laughed you out of the yard?
                      You thought there was something wrong with you,
                      You bravely asked what it was?,
                      As if you were a child,
                      Those cowards said....
It’s “because,”
      Because?
 Just…“because”,
      “That’s all!”
                      Did they think that would make you fall?
                      So cruel,
                      So quick,
                      It took no time,
                      Because,
                      No one ever asked them, “why”?
                      “Because”
                       They don’t even know the function!
                       “Because”,
A subordinating grammatical conjunction!
                        Without a sentence,
                        Without a reason,
                        You were supposed to stop and believe them,
                        Believe what fools can hardly say,
                        But you knew all along,
                        There was nothing the matter with you      
                       "Because",
                        They were completely wrong
                         © B L Costello 2018

Miles to go,
I do recall,
82 years,
That was all,
It happened in bed,
I hoped he was dreaming,
Dogs howling,
Sirens screaming,
He was alone,
I still feel appalled,
“He died in his sleep, after a fall”.
©B L Costello 2018

A beautiful statue,
She is so exposed,
It almost like she’s not wearing clothes,
Her smile is brief,
It’s so hard to catch,
No resistance,
Just accept,
She really doesn't have much to do,
Still she worries,
Will he approve?
She can’t believe it’s come so far,
Does the makeup cover the scars?
Posture implies confidence,
Does she ponder consequence?
Still she wonders which is worse,
Being his lady,
Or Americas First….
© B L Costello 2017

THE MIND OF A CHEF
Can scare you to death,
THE LAY OVER cancelled
Anthony left,
He was always gone,
He worked on vacation,
A COOKS TOUR,
NO RESERVATIONS,
He said that he had no regret,
Thru the sinewy smoke of his cigarette,
and still he left us eating crow,
keeping a secret,
PARTS UNKNOWN,
He's gone again,
his choice,
his fault,
Clearing the table,
I spill the salt,
Unlucky,
******!
I don’t understand
The flavor is gone,
Everything’s bland
©B L Costello 2018

He did what he should
He was just a kid,
That what he learned,
That’s what he did,
Because it was “right”,
It must be good,
A black and white childhood,
But sometimes thing are not that way,
Black and white does blur to gray
That can never be annulled,
Points are lost when the tips get dull
And now he engages every man’s fight,
To do as he should,
Or to do what is right
©BL Costello 2018

I had crossed that path where No One could find me,
I only glanced back,
Then a door closed behind me,
Checking the room,
I turned to the mirror,
Assured I smiled,
No One is here!
Welcome my friend,
Constant and true,
You never told me what to do,
Constant,
always,
I could not be scared,
because I always knew....No One cared,
when I asked questions.....
No One knew,
and No One helped me,
What did you do?
Yes, I’m still smiling,
I am happy,
It’s true
I like No One better than you
©B L Costello 2018

The other place,
Down below,
Really is closer than you know
Beware,
Its not so far beneath,
That’s why I never have cold feet
Bare foot…
Smiling…
I thoughtfully tread,
They read the book,
I heard what was said,
My chin is up,
My teeth are clenched,
funny you never notice the stench,
Playing my fiddle,
You reap what you sow
My place is closer than you know
©B L Costello 2018

I watched “Schindler’s List” again,
I really don’t know why,
I know how it ends…
Everybody dies
I guess I loved the theater
Maybe, I’m getting older,
But I sure loved the popcorn,
And your arm around my shoulder,
The way you said “aw honey”
As tears rolled down my face,
I felt so important in that crowded place,
I thought about you as I watched,
Its over 20 years,
I microwaved the popcorn,
And wish that you were here,
Alone on the couch,
The movies loose there meaning,
They say it cost less,
****,
I’m sick of streaming
©B L Costello 2018

Jimmy don’t care,
He gets what he needs,
He sleeps on beach,
Makes art out of reeds,
His favorite quotes he paints on driftwood,
Like “mean people ****”, and “life is good”
They are not for sale!
But he takes donations,
“The man can’t tax appreciation”
Jimmy’s got plans,
He will make it, you bet.
He ***** at Starbucks
And gets free internet
Life dealt him lemons,
But he don’t complain
Sometimes he ******* when it rains
“I’m getting on my feet”
He says sitting there,
It’s a sunny day and Jimmy don’t care
©B L Costello 2014

She was so attractive,
Back when she was ”right”
She went to work everyday,
She said her prayers at night,
To this common life,
She had come,
so far,
“it takes courage to grow up and become who you are”,
Resided,
Then content,
something had to break,
They said she was an ‘accident”,
But people make mistakes,
And, still she is forgiving,
She is actualized,
It doesn’t even matter,
You don’t look her in the eye,
She who you looked down upon,
Now makes you feel strange,
and all she ever did was ask,
“Have you got some change”?
©B L Costello 2018

It was real,
Not fantastic,
I got no flowers,
He was not romantic,
Its better before you know what you want,
So much easier is the response,
But expectations create such work,
Some die and some get hurt,
It must to be real
You cannot pretend,
There is no fairy tale end…….
Just a thin line,
Slave or master?
What is “happily ever after”?
©B L Costello 2018

Reality,
Abandoned him,
No Emmy no reward,
And now he fights the press,
Is he ever bored?
A cyber fool,
In virtual….
He lives…..
He loves…..
He lies……
Does he own twitter?
Or does he just subscribe?
©B L Costello 2017

When I was younger I heard it said,
”There is nothing free in life”,
And…..sometimes,
“People lie”,
Because…they’re being “nice”,
This is a double standard,
Somehow I miss the meaning,
We pay for everything?
Nice people are deceiving?
If that’s the way it is,
What message does it send?
Will I always be broke?
Do I have any friends?
It’s just so sad think,
If that the way it is,
We really must do better and think about the kids,
Because life is wonderful,
It doesn’t cost a dime,
To tell someone their loved,
To be thoughtful and kind,
It’s just so important,
To learn in your youth,
Life is beautiful,
And so is the truth
©B L Costello 2016

Inevitable,
You can’t just “let it”
No one wants its,
But we all get it
Sure we pretend,
We’re always “surprised”,
But we know that no one gets out alive,
Sooner or later,
That bird comes tappin’
One crack in the glass,
And it just “happens”
The end at last,
“Never more”,
It will happen again,
As its happened before
Next to the window,
My back to the door
I tease that bird,
Because I am bored
Young and foolish,
The sense I lack,
Despite the crack,
Tapping back!
No worries,
It's never broken before…
“Gotta go...somebodys knocking at the door”.
©B L Costello 2018

Sometimes she says the damndest things,
She’s like a bird caught in string,
Funny,
You pause to wonder why,
Then the concern,
Could she strangle and die?
Sometimes I want to give her help,
But nature demands she do it herself,
You can’t deny the evidence,
She has survived the consequence
Yes,
She’s had her share of trouble,
Ties that bind,
Feathers ruffled
Because she lives,
She has to try,
Even a chicken wants to fly
©B L COSTELLO 2018

Afraid of madness,
I keep a diary
Rather than talking to myself,
Taping keys,
I hide behind a monitor,
It seconds as a night light,
“I hope the phone doesn’t ring.”
Liar!
Hope wasted!
I could have turned it off,
I just lack commitment,
I am discussing with the third person (who will remain nameless)
The questions I cannot speak,
“What” was the point?”
“When” did it matter?”
“Where” was he?”
“Why do I still care?”
I am editing,
I am obsessing,
I am listening,
I am hoping that I will hear that voice of reason,
But nobody tells me what to do.
©B L Costello 2017

She takes the walk of shame,
At a purposed pace,
Her heels in her hands,
Mascara on her face,
Most of them are still asleep,
She not sure what she did,
She’ll take that pill at home,
She’ll get her period…….
Sure she’ll be fine,      
At the drive thru,
She gets coffee,
A moment to reflect,
“I told them to get off me!”
But….
Everyone was drunk,
Now she is just sore,
Embarrassed and confused….
Feeling like a *****.
©B L Costello 2016

In black and white,
I love to look back,
He knew that he was “born in his trap”
Fatherless,
No sisters or brothers,
“A boy’s best friend is his mother”
Something about him was sweet,
Yet sad,
“We all go a little mad”
He ran the desk,
He held the keys,
Ironic……
He was never free,
He never blamed her,
Others tried,
But….”She couldn’t hurt a fly”
Sometimes it just went too far,
I wonder if they found the cars?
A stranger who “never meant to rude”,
Entered his den and ate his food
Slowly, he was coming to power,
I still get flashbacks in the shower!
An amazing classic,
A shocking end,
Norman was his own best friend
© B L Costello 2015

I am not with the party,
Please understand,
I didn’t even vote for the man,
I am full of anger,
I am full of dread,
Everyday...
“did you hear what he said”?
And just when you think you heard enough,
You hear something else…
“he said, what”?
What is the question?
What does he mean?
“just grab their…”
What?!
So crude and obscene!
I am angry,
She lost…
I have no regret,
I am not Alt Reicht,
So, I am left,
Standing with you,
We have got to agree,
Support the new minority!
©B L Costello 2017

A change was coming,
We could not wait,
More “SONGS OF LOVE AND HATE”
My friend,
So real,
You were no phony.
“NEW SKIN FOR THE OLD CEREMONY”,
Forever?  
Well, I could have been wrong,
"THE FUTURE" does not last too long,
Too quickly the present becomes the past,
No…the future does not last,
How brave you were,
You were no martyr,
You asked us...”DO YOU WANT IT DARKER?”
and we did!  
We loved to listen,
Bent in “VARIOUS POSITIONS”,
Your gone,
I have forgiven that,
Still I am bothered by the crack
The one that is left
No damage done,
Imperfect as they come
Its darker now……
Where have you been?
Remind me how the light gets in
© B L Costello 2017

I go to bed anxious,
What is there to do?
What will tomorrow do to you?
I close my eyes,
I wake up afraid…
My god,
The bed is not even made,
And I have just gone thru so much,
Laying here wondering “what”
How can I ever fathom “why”?
I can’t even open my eyes,
I am sure,
I will become unglued,
If I can’t stay next to you,
But money is evil,
And we love sin,
Monday,
So… the week begins
©B L Costello 2017

You should have worn gloves,

There is blood on you coat

You’re pretty when you smile,

Pass the soap


©B L Costello 2017

“**** them with kindness”,
I did understand,
Now, their blood is on my hands,
I do as I am told,
Just like you said……
And now their pillows are colored red,
It’s something I’ve always wanted to do,
I would do anything for you……..
And now it’s over!
Look what we’ve done,
I feel better…
That was fun.
©B L Costello 2017

Child of god,
Hypnotic to me
She smiles saying the rosary
She sings for god,
But she’ll sing for you,
Innocent,
God knows……
What she has been through,
She is very impulsive,
Maybe disturbed,
Out in all weather,
Preaching his word,
I pass her corner,
But I know it’s a test,
Each time she says….”thank you”,
She tells me I am….. ”blessed”,
And I am so busy,
With nothing to say,
No song,
No smile,
I fail everyday day
©B L Costello 2017

My problems are larger,
And so is the print,
I listen more closely,
Sometimes,
I squint,
I am much more tired at the end of the day,
Sometimes I forget……
What did you say?
I try not worry,
But I do now and then,
Starting to wonder…..
How does this end?
©B L Costello 2017

I love to make the colors match
I navigate the lines,
Oh, that satisfying crunch!
It really is “DIVINE”!
I sure could use a booster,
There’s whistle in the distance,
I just turn down the sound,
It can be quite insistent,
Oh, but I forgive,
With my gentle index touch,
I will complete my level,
I love to candy crush!
©B L Costello 2017

"If something is wrong with my baby
There’s’ something I gotta do",
Now you shrug and say
"What is wrong with you?"
Sometimes……
I cannot help it,
I am sure,
I have worn you out,
But you signed up for long haul,
You knew what I was about,
Now,
I ask the questions,
What do I have to do?
Now I have to ask what is wrong with you?
Then you hurt my feelings,
We both say that we’re fine,
I used to be your princess
Once upon a time
I know that you are tired,
Dear you have a right,
But sometimes when I’m sad,
I really miss my knight
©B L Costello 2017

People of Gotham hold their hearts
The bat signals out,
The sky is dark,
It’s very quiet
There is no escape
In the cave hangs his cape
It does not work for anyone else,
Neither does his utility belt,
There really is nothing left to steal,
No one can drive that bat mobile,
Robin flew,
He was so alone,
The Commissioner disconnected the phone
Cat Woman hissed,
The Penguin cried,
The Joker laughed,
When bat man died
©B L Costello 2017

A feeling in my gut,
It drives me nuts,
My every thought of you questions,
“What”?
What
Is that creature?
So physically fit….
Without a thought,
I reached for it,
A foolish girl,
You know it is true,
What
Happened to me when I met you?
What
Did you do?
I stood
You sat,
You……
My gawd,
What was that?
©B L Costello 2017

A thing of beauty is a joy forever,
That’s what I thought when I got your letter,
Flowered stationary,
Ink dark blue,
How happy I was to hear from you,
Tearing it open as I took it inside,
Such a sweet lover!  
Who could deny?
Writing a letter!
“Just because”,
I really didn’t know what it was,
It just seemed to drown…on and on,
It started cold….
“Dear John”
A weak attempt,
How could it be?
“it’s not you…really,
It’s me!”
Am I supposed to feel better?
I would if I had written that letter,
Maybe I will send one too,
But I have only 2 words for you,
2 words….
Yeah, that’s all,
What the hell…
I think I’ll call!
Why be silent and suffering?
She always said she wanted a ring!
©B L Costello 2017

I swallowed my pride with such induction,
I feared a bleed,
Or spontaneous combustion,
So intense…..
I could not speak,
I raised my cheeks……
While clinching my teeth,
Shaking my head,
Composed…but riled,
How pleased he looked,
He thought I had smiled,
How wrong he was,
Someone spoke…….
……too soon,
My remains splattered all over the room
©B L COSTELLO 2017

It happened again
She is still “his wife”,
The police took the gun,
She’ll sharpen the knife
Things don’t always turn out like you plan,
You must take matters into your own hands,
Years of abuse,
Fear and deceit,
Eventually…he’ll go to sleep,
So many long years!
God how she’s tried,
He’s starting to snore,
She must decide,
So long she thought,
“Someone will save me”,
Work kept her busy,
Then…the baby,
The police always come,
But they never seem to help,
Tonight she’s gonna take care of herself
Anxious for what her choices can bring,
She hopes she is brave and the phone doesn’t ring
© B L Costello 2017

So, dark it was I could not see,
A vast and starless galaxy,
Like a child,
I felt to see,
My hands reaching in front of me,
Steps so careful
Mouth agape,
I pause between,
Then I wait,
Once again,
I test the ground,
Accepting,
There is still no sound,
The only thing assuring me,
is the pull of gravity,
Oh, God!
If I should start to float,
I am sure that I would give up hope
Without that pull,
How could I resist?
How else would I know if I exist?
©B L Costello 2017

I chew my butter,
It doesn’t melt,
Trust worthy as Lucy Van Pelt,
He tells me his troubles,
I don’t complain,
I tell him where to leave the change,
It makes me happy to watch him fall,
He runs like a girl,
I move the ball,
I asked him play…I was feeling kind,
That block head does every time,
Sometimes he such a basket case,
I could punch that red head in the face,
But he looks sooo cute on that pitcher’s mound,
Sometimes, he's just so Charlie Brown
©B L Costello 2017

Yesterday,
I Googled your name,
I searched under “image”,
Nothing came….
I dialed your phone,
It made me nervous,
A strange voice said it was “out of service”,
Your room is empty,
So is your chair,
I just can’t find you anywhere,
I looked in the mirror,
What else could I do?
Something familiar,
I look like you,
Sometimes your children are all that is left,
If I stare to long,
I get upset,
It’s only me,
10 years you’re gone,
Oh how I miss you, mom
©B L Costello 2017

When fear precedes,
Knowledge,
The last one heard is trust,
Prejudice believes,
Our differences define us,
And now a fool commands,
Imposing his beliefs,
I don’t know how it happened…
I guess he is our chief,
Tonight…. I’m on the couch,
I guess I’ll watch the rally,
I think I’ll just keep guessing….
Why take him literally?
He doesn’t think before he speaks,
He twitters when he’s tired,
I that think he hears voices,
That’s why he thinks he’s wired.
©B L Costello 2017

Submit or succumb,
What the hell did I do?
Give into desire,
Or give into you?
Questions like ghosts,
Persist like a want,
Lighting a smoke,
I engage the haunt,
Searching myself,
I forget what I had,
Exhausted,
Taking another drag.
The alarm goes off,
I extinguish the ****,
“Good morning baby,
It’s time to get up”
©B L Costello 2017