She no longer has that power

He flew away in the midnight hour

Nothing lasts forever

Wings flap in shades of clever

There's no longer any voodoo talking

He likes to come back for vengeful haunting

Look past
The indifference
And remember
The good times

Remember me
For the sweet
And caring things
Not angry and
Toiletry things

Because I'll
Remember the way
Your face flushed
And you were keen
At looking at the ground
Just the same at making
Silly faces and singing
Me songs that are heard
By someone else now

I'll remember
Summer rain and
Storms with flowers
Because you like to
Be an ever-present reminder

And sometime I'll dance
In the rain and I'll dance
When there's a party and
No matter who is beside me
I'll silently do it for you

And you never felt it,
You probably never will
But sometimes it's just there
And you remember why it is
Or who it's for because
You couldn't get rid of the feeling
Even if you forgot these things

And I will always feel it and
Remember who it's for
Im distant and gone from you now
And I don't know if you ever
Really felt anything but
I will always love you

Because you made me brave
And you made me laugh
You made me believe in myself
When no one else took the time
To even learn my name
Before making fun of me
Because you tried so hard
And I let you down

I
managed
to
cough
and
sigh
ten
times
without
even
realizing,
gue­ss
that's
a
part
of
why
you
aren't
here

You dug them up,
Did as you said
You tried so hard
It was always like that
From the very start

And maybe you meant,
To find the way to be
The one a lost soul
Could have believed

And was it bittersweet
To have it all remembered
And everything felt again
It helped me find solid ground for my feet

But this mind is
Still at war and
It remembers the
Way you created this

All the beauty,
The courage, the strength
We could never repay you
And these words will
Never be enough too

You breathed them out
And we took them in,
There's no room for this
You're past the end

We'll cherish these things,
Close to our heart is where
They will stay no matter
What time may bring

If you rest easy,
I'm eternally glad for you
If you struggle to understand
I will always have a willing hand

And you have big plans
That I hope was planted
When I was the one free
And was able to take a stand

I hope you reach those dreams,
Every single one of them

And if we meet again without even trying
I'll still feel this and I'll ask you
And if you say you don't have time
I know I will simply say,

"I really wish you did,
But I understand, sometimes life
Isn't everything you make of it
I hope you're happy in all that you do,
I will always cheer for you"

I'll walk away,
A smile on my face
Leave it to you to be so clever,
I'm the only one to know this forever,

There's a person

                That tells me I'm sweet,

   That I am a good person,

        They never say anything about me,

      And that I should never listen

To what others say

                 I'd cry and ask her why

     I feel this way

And tell how it hurts that

     I don't know what to do

        But I was told by another to be

Prepared for the worst,

             He was never mine,

     And don't let it bring me down

But if I go any further

  


             I think I'd hit some

      Of these people's





                                 levels






And I wonder how he could change

            Or maybe he hasn't



Will time ever tell?



              Stay tuned

You


      are


not


      half


of


     what


you


      thought


you


       were


And


        I


will


        never


be


        half


of


        what


I


         wished


to


          be

What if


              this red thread


       is tied to the dead carcass


of what you used to be?

It was cold and you disagreed
That it was too small of a body
To create a cool breeze
And you asked if I wanted to go warm up,
I said no,
My reason in my mind was because we couldn't
Talk like this with them around
And I was scared to death I'd never hear your voice again
I remember that feeling
I remember that thought
And we sat facing the water under the stars
And it got heavy fast, everything is heavy now
And you got up, you stood in fronf of me
And it was dark but the street light
Helped me see your face and maybe you just didn't want me to feel sad anymore
So you held my face and complemented me
And you probably didn't realize how nice that was
Or the way no one had ever done that to me
And you would sigh and look down and be so determined
And you have no idea how bad I wish you would have been nice like that again

I will sit with you
In the way we used to
I'll do what you used to do,
Wipe my own tears
And erase my fears
I'll breathe in this winter
Exhale innocent wonder
Of an endless summer
And feel death come closer
It's far gone from you,
I'm the only one that suffers
This lonely afternoon

He doesn't like preps

So you better watch where you step

If you don't have that type of skin

That isn't paper thin

And I'd roll up and say,

"Yo, *****"

But I'd prefer her any day

Oh



I told you not to stand beside them

And you told me of another,

The one before

And hey,

No one compares to the first,

Right?

And it's good if you're

Finally able to give it all,

You know?

Finally able to be free


'Cause he works at camps


And he's happy and been


Together for years and ****,


How about some compassion?


He was my first.

His words could be

        

    

               Like honey,



Thick and sweet,



                       Fills up too fast and



  Constructs the air in your throat




Or it could be milk,



                Smooth and stills



And calms the burning of doubt

It's just a coincidence my father
Pointed out styrofoam,
And I have no one to trust
It's just a coincidence my father
Loses track of keys in the way
I find everything because I'm observant
It's not a coincidence that I
Wonder of people that give absolutely
Not one ounce of care for me
All these noises in my streets,
I overshadowed the possibility
The only thing I should ever fear
Is myself

It's no surprise
I ruin everything in my life

But I remember that discussion
Of tattoos and such

And I know that tattoo

Lights fade off and on,
You owe me absolutely nothing

But from my last go around,
It's clear to see I'm on the right track

I'll never get to tell you I'm sorry
You were the first person I intentionally hurt,
A start of an era I will never be proud of

You were my first regret,
My first clusterfuck of a mistake

I'm sorry

In the corner,


                                     Out of view



           Don't let me see



                      What you choose






       That's far better than me




           And everything I can never




                        Pretend to be

I can feel my bones better
And I know what you're thinking, Tommy,

Why would I try to stay relevant?
The question is
When did I ever become basic

Because it's a hard life to live
Wanting someone to come out
Of the woodwork to show me they care

When it's easier to pop open
Cold ones to point a gun finger
To my head and say,
"Here I am"

And I am broken,
Like cool ranch chips under your feet
I am dying to be gone

I want to matter to someone

Be fine china in their arms,
Delicate and a daydream
To be a wonderland for their mind
And a restlessness in their heart

But I'll keep counting cans
While throwing up,
It was never easy destroying everything
Because I wasn't good enough

Count the spaces in between,
It's simple as one, two, three
I hate everything about me
And it's clear to see

But
Here
I
Am

It must feel nice
To feel like you have the
Complexion of God or karma

Cover your face,
I have a secret to spare
I'm broken in the ugliest of ways
And your jokes or attempts at being clever,
It passes by me

You can't touch what's not there,
You can't punch the feeling
When it's hallowed out
Only comes alive for a guy I'll never know,
The kind that moved on

The questioning pinning,
The drama of it all
It's for the birds

He doesn't think of me
But I know he's out there
He doesn't see me anymore
But I dream of a figure that still cares

I

  have

   absolutely

    nothing

     left

      to

       believe

        

                    in.

If anything awkwardness
Is an attractive attribute
A lot of people find enduring

And I am awkward,
A social pariah
I stutter and hardly make eye contact

I run my hands through my hair,
Bite the skin from my lip
Trip over what I mean when I speak
And over thin air

I am awkward
I am me

Hey
Maybe you're just
Another level in the scheme of things
Or maybe you're different

But don't think you
Don't matter, ever
Because there are real people
That genuinely feel indifferent
Like me

And they can be petty
And they can be mean
But everyone gets what they deserve

So let them feel that way
Be classy and hold your head up
Life is a **** show and
Those people

They are the turds of
All your wildest dreams

I'm sitting in this almost sunset sun
And I'm wondering if yours are this beautiful too
Or if they're more beautiful than mine
I hope they never hurt you like mine do now
Do you feel free with every one of them?
More free than the last one
And I'm wondering if I'll live another one now
Without wondering how they would have
Tasted in my grinning mouth
And on my sun bleached hair and perfectly
Normal and good enough skin if I was the one dancing
In them with you
And I want to get drunk,
So drunk that I stumble down all these streets and alleyways
Until I make it back to your memory
And lay in the frosted grass beside you
While we watch the puffs of our breaths mesh together
In this perpetually never ending winter air
And I'd close my eyes while your unchanging hand
Caresses my still young face and I would breathe your form in
And open my eyes to watch you disappear
Then run, run as fast as my tired feet could take me
Back to where everything really started and
I wouldn't have cared this time if you got mad
Because I wanted you to feel it, to taste it on my lips
To know that it was me and this was special and it really was meant to be
And you wouldn't vanish from my hands that are around your face and the anger
Would be gone and your eyes would flutter open along with mine and I'd smile
In the exact same way you used to make me smile
So I could vanish with you this time and
We would live these days with no walls and I wouldn't let myself
Go and look like this and think like this
And we would grow old and tired but I would love you just the same
And maybe I wouldn't be something to be ashamed of and you wouldn't misuse words and promises because I hurt you and we wouldn't wake up one day when it's too late
Because when you disappear into the sun, no matter where you ever go and who you go with,
I swear I will disappear with you

You sometimes meet people
Out of the ordinary,
By accident or something pushed you together
Either way they have changed your life forever

And sometimes things don't work out
Sometimes some are lucky and they do

They say you forget things if they're not that important
But sometimes that's just not true
You forget sometimes so you can be reminded of who you were
When you have lost your way

We met by chance in all honesty
And you showed me how to be something
I thought I could never be
And I taught you to be proud and
Showed you how to be free
And you lose things over time,
Physical and emotionally,
The things you thought you would always hold close
Is replaced with other things

But the thing I hope you remember is how
I used to make you feel
Even about your talent or how I showed
I didn't have any myself by writing that weak *** poem on the first page
About how to be free

As I'm finding myself again
I remember being brave
And having nerve to go out of my way
And maybe it's indifferent to you now
But someday I'll try to go out of my way again
And I might fail a few times,
I might stumble and fall
But I'll get back up and do it again
And I will try really hard to make you proud too

It could be
the nights he'd touch you
in between hotel sheets,
The way he'd
hold your hand while
walking down vacant
town streets.
It could be
the way he'd smoke your
cigarette and get
ash in your eye,
The way it felt
to kiss when we
were so high.
It could be
the nervous glance
from across a packed room,
The way you'd
prefer your stance
in the hazy gloom.
It could be
the introduction
on a starry night,
but you already recognized
him from the corner
of your eye sight.
Was he just looking too?
Why does it matter?
You already have someone,
And it's not like you're one
to look all that flattering.
Catching up and
******* up.
Why is life but a mystery?
Spending life only
filled with newly
acknowledged history.

Blue fluorescent,



           Bugs circled in the buzzing hue



   Feel this presence crawling under skin



         Like the bugs did while talking to you



Wooden barrel water fountain



          Met there every night



Because you were busy



       And the hurt I felt because



You couldn't spend every second win me



            Doesn't hurt as bad as this

My knuckles are numb,
Dirt under my nails.
I scrub it off until my skin was red.

"And then we can meet again while searching for it."

"So you're supposed to know exactly when I'm searching for it?"

"...that does sound unrealistic."

"Another one of your great ideas."

I didn't find it.

Under the florescent bathroom lights, I realize you're everywhere still. And despite what you or anyone else thinks, my body is not big enough to not have you coursing through every inch of it.

You're in the air and you're in every thought I have now.

And I had a hard time believing all the plans you had, maybe if I had put more faith into it..I wouldn't have forgot. I wouldn't have been able to meet him and..I wouldn't have lied to you so much..

Which is why you'll never believe me when I say I will spend the rest of my life sorry for everything I did to you.

I write frequently about you now.
It's all I can seem to do to stay sane.
I like to believe I'll be free one day, free like I was when I met you. Free before the storms of regret and life in general set in.
I know I should get up, go do something and have fun. But I've never felt so alone. It's probably not even half of what I truly deserve.
I'd like to believe that you are the same nice and caring you. You would wish me the best and let me know that I will never be alone even though you'll never be here. And I don't think I have experienced a darker time in my life, and all I really needed is you. But you sent that part of you far away and I wonder if it came back here, lurking in the corners until it was found.
It was found. And it will never be replaced or taken away again.
If there is one thing I wish I could tell you it's this,

You are you
And he is he
Please never mistake the two
Because he is a haunting I no longer wished to have known
And I will take you wherever I go.

I realize how horrible that is. I can never take what I did back. My second biggest regret will never trying harder to reach out to you. My biggest will always never realizing it was always you. A silly face drowned out by the shadow from the sun, it's something I will never forget. And even when I'm mad and lost with things I don't understand, even though my words don't mean anything to you anymore and aren't reason enough to write songs of. I hope you find it in you to trust me when I say that I hope you have endless silly faces. I hope even when the suns shadow covers your face, the light you both give off brings it back from the unwanted dark.
And I don't know if I'll find myself again or if I'll find someone else.
The only thing I do know is that I will always keep that part of our lives in my heart.

Still



Wondering



There



Buddy



???

I
hope
they
partake
in
the
floral
crown
trend
and
I
hope
it
eats
you
alive

You know you're gorgeous
And you flaunt it
You come from 'round here
And you make a joke
Out of me

You're gorgeous and
I regret it even me
Because I could never get that now

I wonder why
people are utterly so
mean and careless
in the world and times
have changed a lot
since then.

I was mean and destructive,
fell far off course and became
some horrible person.
I lost myself and the sight
I should have kept.

I hope life continues
to treat you with the utmost kindest ways
and I hope there's rough times
but I know you'd make it
through them easily.

And maybe my words,
they don't mean what they did
to you back then.
But I am so proud of you.
I'm sorry life disfigured me,
turned me into what isn't enough.

But I'm finding my way again
And regardless of what anyone thinks of me,
or how they believe
I don't deserve an easy life,
I know I can make it through.

Because you're not that same person and
neither will I ever be.
Some people go in phases of three within their life.
Who they were,
Who they became,
And the person they choose to be.

I don't want to be negative anymore,
I don't want to be bitter towards everyone
Bitter to the point it's hard to hold a conversation with me.
I don't want to look for the bad in people.
I don't want to have to be numb to be able to feel like I'm something worth more than dirt.

I don't want to be ******* myself
and bring everyone down.
I want to be the person that still goes up and asks old people if they need help.
Not because I feel like I have to keep that up,
to withstand the appearance that I'm fine and normal
But because I want to help people
I don't want to put myself down with the way I look or think.
I know I'm not perfect but I know someone out there
Will see past the insecurities and physical
And just see that my bite isn't anything like the way I feel,
Like you once did

I don't know the person you are now and I don't think I ever will,
But I choose to believe you wouldn't be so mean.
I choose to believe you're still nice and caring like you were.
And that will help me get through my hard days
And will help me remember how far I'll have come on my bad days.

Whoever you are now,
I hope life is beautiful and brilliant because that's all I wanted for the boy I knew back then.

It's starts around the same time
Before I do just fine
Then reality sets in
And that's when the pain begins

No one would believe me
If I told them how you taught me to see
And it was a pact that we made
Even though life got in the way
There's no truth that you'd believe
But I'm legitimately scared you'll never see
The way I'll cry when I get over this hill
When I let go of stupid pills
And forgive the past to feel

It was something that I forgot
But a feeling I never lost
So when I finally learn to let go
I'm afraid you'll never be there,
Even just as a ghost
It's a memory I long for the most,
It's something you no longer chose

Shhh

Hush now

It's a secret

Stop now

He doesn't care

I don't know you
And I never will
Maybe I'm crazy
And I look for the worst,
Maybe I expect nothing
But you were the last
To see me for who I am
And I can't start over,
I'd give anything to
But I have learned I
Am reckless just enough
I am unstable to make you walk away,
To give up on me
But you knew me just right,
To be caring enough
Wear your hoodie to review,
Everyone finds so much better
I am decayed
But I wish I could start over with you

you can
decieve me,
plant fear in me,
string me along,
run my name
through the mud.
you can break spirts,
break the threshold
between eyes and cheeks,
break my hope and
all that I hold,
but you will never
break me.
if you're such a man
of god,
come back and find out
that you are just
one in the same,
with your little head games.
you can laugh at me,
you can splash mud on me,
you can embarrass me,
but that will never
put you above me
or bellow.

Sunken darkness,
my lonely friend.
If only you
had been open,
what could have been?
It's much too late
to shout questions
into the dark.
I had only begun
at the very end.

There was a storm today

     I held my hand out to see

   How long I could stand the pain

                   I got to 46

      Realized three things today

                   Rain is cold

     46 would be an okay age to die

And storms is just another thing

              To remind me of how

     You'd brighten my day,

            Always put a smile on my face,

              Remembered what made me who I am

    And I can't remember

        If I had the courage to be so sentimental

         After you silenced my doubt

           Of it being found

        But I can still feel the ache

     In my awkward body,

        Wanting nothing more than

    To hug you while I cry

And tell your shoulder

         That I would miss you

   That ache is all I can feel now

       And my cries are silent

      "I'll miss you's"

  But this pain isn't being young and scared

          That everything wouldn't work out

      Because you'd find a pretty girl
  
       To marry by that fall and forget

      The little, fat lost puppy that followed you around

            It's the kind of pain you get

   From wishing to do things

       With a passed loved one,

    The could haves,

            The should haves,

                   The would haves...

  


But it will always be too late.