I was tempted to actually eat
A whole meal today,
No junk food or nibbles
And the crumbs of forgotten food

But I'm full on eating my self esteem away

And the convince store snacks
Taste better coming back up,
Steaming pile on the frozen ground
Mixed with alcohol because

I can eat my self esteem away but
I can't seem to drink the fact
You don't care away

You don't owe me anything,
I can never change what I've done

But hey,

When I keep my head up
It's in the midst of the night,
Face soaked and cold from tears
Laughing at the night sky
Above the *****
Stumbling around,
Cleaning off my mouth and the snot

Because
I am
Completely
Alone

I don't know.
Maybe I should

just tell him.

I don't know.
Maybe I should

just end it all.

Right now.

I mean,

that's what lardas-ses do,

right?

The one with trust issues,

not to mention the only

thing im good at is

making boys moan with this mouth.

I don't know.
Do you?

your body                        
is art
your words
are satire
your hearts
a galaxy
your soul
could be my
remedy
your eyes
are maps
your arms
could be my
favorite place
to take naps



                        do you know
                             you're in
                               my head?

It's a favorite song
I hope you dance to it
With them forever long






So why do I lie here?
Thinking you're still there
Like good would always care

Does that only apply to me

Or

Do you not understand

Everything has repercussions?

Give me what you think,

You'll get yours.

My brother always told me,
'That mouth of yours is gonna get you in trouble one day,'
But by that time it was already too late.
My mouth did a lot of things.
Built boy's up in a pair of two,
Told pretty lies and
was never really good at hiding my disguise.
Let me pass on some beautiful things,
lashing out for the fear of what mean boy's bring.
Broke several strings,
hurt beautiful boy's with tongue rings.
If ever it broke your spirt,
it'd say sorry.
But what's the point of saying things
they'll never believe or worry
to hear?

It's no surprise
I ruin everything in my life

But I remember that discussion
Of tattoos and such

And I know that tattoo

Lights fade off and on,
You owe me absolutely nothing

But from my last go around,
It's clear to see I'm on the right track

I'll never get to tell you I'm sorry
You were the first person I intentionally hurt,
A start of an era I will never be proud of

You were my first regret,
My first clusterfuck of a mistake

I'm sorry

These old bones
that I have selfishly made
my only home
carry me to places
of the unknown.
They take me far away,
the place I'd spent most
of my days one year.
But I am greeted with
emptiness and regret.
I search the dirt sands,
digging with my weak hands.
My tears make puddles
that turn into mud.
I scream your name,
the words only met with
my heart like blank duds.
I stand and clean the dirt off.
I am no longer needed here,
so my feet take off.
I end up near the place
that I first started.
Heart in a race,
I find your face.
"Can't you see?
People can change.
Why didn't you tell me
instead of playing a game
of hide and seek?"
But I'm only met
with a pistol to my brain.
With my body riddled with meek,
I find that this bridge is nothing
but ashes under your feet.
Tears fall from my eyes,
the eyes that tries but never finds
what my heart yearns to meet.
I will spend a lifetime
using the liquid unseen,
trying to wash away
the blackened dust
for being someone
you will never
trust.

Sunken darkness,
my lonely friend.
If only you
had been open,
what could have been?
It's much too late
to shout questions
into the dark.
I had only begun
at the very end.

A burst of energy and I'm alive,
My self esteem comes out of hiding
I'm floating on the surface
With the help of a form of aqua
No one hears me,
No one sees
I'm in the middle of a sea
I created myself
Am I dead?
I feel it in my bones,
I should be dead and gone
Life feels worthless when you're alone
I just want a sign,
A reassurance that there is a reason
I'm still alive

The lacrimal caruncle
swells with blistering feeling,
flooding out the medial canthus.
It streams down the nasion,
dancing over the pinken,
inflamed to a roaring raw cheek.
Landing on dirtied and tore cloth,
used with the moisture to wipe
all the dust away from every memory,
even when it's possibly too late.

Now there is hardly anything
to be discovered in all of this.
You have done a decent job,
your hands are tired from it all.
Weak and brittle,
you still know now.
You know it could go every single way wrong,
it could be a waste of time,
it could hurt you beyond any kind of repair.

But you know.
You know it's him.
You know it will always be him.
It will always be him
that you wish to lay beside,
it will always be him
that you want to feel,
it will always be him
that you feel everywhere you go.
It will always be him.

All of these possibilities
And none of it matters
As if what I wrote in a book
Would ever pertain to what
You feel for a cheating liar

Who's the mystery guy?

Like it really ******* matters
I'm alone and honestly,
I know he doesn't care because

Hence

I have no one but my family
And that will never be enough

I know you
Four eyes
And a nerd
Heart tattoo

You knew me

And I wish I could
Say this to you

But maybe this isn't you
I hope you're happy and
I hope life is fulfilling

I hope you go to amusement parks
And listen to so much music
I hope you're full and
I hope they don't treat you

Like I did

I don't know you
And I never will
Maybe I'm crazy
And I look for the worst,
Maybe I expect nothing
But you were the last
To see me for who I am
And I can't start over,
I'd give anything to
But I have learned I
Am reckless just enough
I am unstable to make you walk away,
To give up on me
But you knew me just right,
To be caring enough
Wear your hoodie to review,
Everyone finds so much better
I am decayed
But I wish I could start over with you

They beacon with their call,
dont buy into it.
You're better than that.





(Or maybe 'that' is 'them'.)

Maybe I don't deserve to know,
Maybe I already do and I simply...
Just can't admit it to myself because
I stretch myself thin but
Not the thin guys like you like

Maybe I can't handle reality because
Everything is my fault as always
I want to play the victom but I lost it all,
From the way these hands move and
The words my mouth speak

Maybe I didn't understand the way you looked at me,
Maybe it was all just a fairytale dream
The kind where you were everything I needed
And I was somehow what you wanted

I can't let it go because you were the first.
The one I hurt most,
Not even a goodbye or a I wish you well
Line ending and so much left to say

Do you imagine it?
If I never met him and it was just us?
Would you have been strong enough?
Would I put my doubt aside and decide
To stay instead of just going?

I hope you found that peace,
I dream they give it to you
And all of your days,
I hope you remember me
And maybe wonder if I'm doing okay

To fill the mouth
with thousands of seas
only to be met with more thirst.
To have the world
fall onto your brain,
filled with knowledge of the unknown.
To lay awake
reminiscing of all the
things you took for granted,
while they sleep peacefully.
To wobder when
being fully dressed before
presenting yourself in front of a mirror
will no longer be a necessity.
To thinking
you know so much but
knowing so little.
To beg like
the begger you mistook
them for.
To be all alone
and only wanting them,
no one to blame but yourself.
To cry out,
only met with silent,
cold, uncaring.
To spend lifetimes
wanting something that
never wants you.

You'd think I wouldn't care,
It's been so long since I wrote it
But the loose strands of hair in this water
Says something completely different otherwise

Water drips from the tips
Of these fingers that wrote it,
That betrayed so many

The droplets creat a maze between
The hair on my legs until
They return back to their home

You wait to see what *******
I write about now
I wonder who would dramatically
Reveal their face in the neon glow
Of convenience store lights

You're a part of a circle
So it's not like you care
You want to live out my old work,
This isn't poetry I'm writing now
This is my new journal

From my fingertips
To your eyes
Free of charge

You wanna know what I would
Write in that same book all these years later?


I wonder what it would feel like
To rest my head on my knees in this
Lukewarm bathwater and feel
The skin

S t r e t c h i n g

over my ribs as I try to think
Of one good reason to still be alive


But I don't do that.
I don't have to.
I wash away the possibilities of you,
The regrets and mistakes,
The white cars and mean words

I wash them away until
I can finally think of them
And not
Feel
Like
Dying

Nephew*
That's the name of the game.
Nose Go
That's how you start.
One two worded hint
Worthless ******.
The rules are simple.
There is only one rule
It's a delight to break,
Hard to forget when implanted.
You can collect dust in your room
Or spend time with your family.
You can explore,
Foot accessible form.
You can do anything.
But you can't sit around and play rewind.

Of the strob lights,
Hands in the air.
She's a queen working hard for that money.
And you sit alone,
Drink the nastiest thing to ever be created.
You go home alone to the sound of a scream.
Dear God, here.
Take it. Take the ******* pack,
My father's car.
Point me in the direction to hit restart.

But not the point of laying in his room.
Dusty and grimy,
He can't even stand the sight of you.
But when he blows smoke into your mouth,
It's the only thing you have sustainable.
So you hold on.
And you walk in the summer heat,
You lose that weight.
But he isn't there.
And your eyes twitch.
No glass table is as fragile as your reputation.
And you're sitting in your yard,
The sun's going down.
It makes a grey and blue hue.
But not the same kind.

So let's go back more.

You're fourteen and you grab your crotch.
He rolls his eyes,
It's just a front.
He ties the knot and sits down.
There's so much to learn about him.
So you get up.
You follow him to the porch.
Is the rain cold?
Is the birds chirping?
Does your weight cause the gravel to squish louder?
You don't know.

Do you not get addicted to drugs?
Do you go to college?
Do you eat healthier?
Would you have been enough?

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

You bite your lip as he stands up,
Illuminated by the grey and blue flooding her room.
He was a ******* God to your innocence.
But you don't follow him.
The puff of cool morning air and the rain,
It would have been bigger than his.

And now?
  *Now you walk alone

The first poem I had ever written
hangs in a frame in the den.
My father shows it off proudly,
I just think it's lousy.
Did you read it?
It wasn't for you.
I was a junior,
he filled my life with humor.
Could it have been about you?
Would I still roll my eyes
and constantly ask my dad why
he has to show it around?
Now I write mostly about you
and this constant feeling
of heartbreak that I go through.
They say life isn't fair.
Looking back at your stare,
I can now only agree.

Still



Wondering



There



Buddy



???

And when we get there,
After I follow you of course,
Maybe I'll cut you in half
with the past and the present,
Such great force.
Or maybe I'll just let you believe
that what you did,
makes you
better than me.

I wonder how someone can enjoy being alone?
To find comfort in solitary.  
Whether physically or emotionally alone,
How can they stay in silence for so long?

I would rather be surrounded by hundreds of thousands of strangers
Than be by myself.
The being alone itself isn't what scares me,
It's the silence.
Because in that silence I am forced to comprehend
That maybe there is nothing more.

There is no other galaxy's that hold
Millions of billions of stars,
There is no other planets like Mars and Jupiter,
There is no other earths.

An earth for each chance you messed up or never took,
An earth for every mistake you wish you could change
And the opposite outcomes from them.
An earth for every time you were never enough,
Where you were far too much,
And you were never the one.
An earth to see what could have been,
But there is nothing.

I don't know,
A vast nothingness is scare than living in this hell.

And maybe this is all we have,
Maybe this is the only earth.
Maybe I'm the only me and you,
You are the only version of you.

And the only other earth there is?
The one in our dreams.
Where we do everything right.

He doesn't like preps

So you better watch where you step

If you don't have that type of skin

That isn't paper thin

And I'd roll up and say,

"Yo, *****"

But I'd prefer her any day

Sunken,
pulsing black and blue.
It resides under
weak bones that ache
to be seen through
paper thin skin.
It has it's moments.
Blossoms beautiful flower's
into the ones it sees the pain it feels.
It has it's roots still there,
the young one you knew before.
The before it treated
every guy with the same make and model,
the way it treated you.
It's scarred and grotesque from
the way it won't trust anyone,
from the way it made you feel.
Is it worth to say the tears
you almost shed left
open, fleshy wounds on it?

I see the yellows and the reds,
is green still your favorite?
Blues shine brightly around it.
Could you have made it withstand time?
Would you have imagined the arm wrapped around it?
Sitting comfortably together,
would you have loved
the sound of my laugh,
seeping from around my hand,
echoing off the walls?
The walls with all the colors shinning on.

To feel like I don't
have to question my self worth,
to wonder if I'm enough.
To see it in your eyes,
to feel it in your touch
and hear it in your words.
To finally trust again,
making silly markings on myself
a total waste of time.
To find the one
that makes me want to
brand my body with beautiful things,
no longer the inevitable
depressed coloring.
Will it take my breath away?
Will it be extraordinary?
They say that if you thought
you found your true love who
didn't turn out to be it,
could you only imagine the utopia
of finding the real one?
I thought but didn't find the one.
I know what it feels like to spend
lifetimes regretting what ifs.
Isn't it time?
Don't we all deserve that feeling?

I don't understand
The conservative view on life,
Didn't mix with that vibe.
But I felt ration in 'sixteen,
took me back just past nineteen.
Hot coffe spilt,
our world was in tilt.
Collisions a moment ending,
no more room for griving.
One day I'll fall asleep,
but someone will be there to take the wheel to keep.