i have dreams. i have a lot of dreams. i have things i want to achieve and goals i've worked my whole life towards. and i've done a pretty okay job of achieving a lot of things i put my mind to and my heart in. but when i'm standing up there on stage i look out into a crowd of strangers. i search for familiarity but i'm met with faces that i don't recognize, hands that come together to clap for me but hearts that are cold. there is no joy when there is no joy shared. there is no success if there is no success shared. i search the crowds and peer down from the mountain but you are not there. i traveled years to reach here but lost my companions on the way. they say it is lonely on the top, they forget to tell you that it is lonelier on the way down. there is no going back.

i am in a haze today. it is cloudy and beautiful outside. it is also pressing down on my chest and i struggle for air. i wore your shirt to bed last night and it helped steady my oxygen supply. i wish you were here to say my name and speak to me in my native tongue to remind who i am and where i've come from. i'm forgetting everything, slowly. recreating yourself is only good when you haven't done it five thousand times over. i just want to be me now. but how do i become me if there is no you? pick me up from the library and walk me to class. hold my hand and tell me that you will stay with me no matter how grey the sky is or how cold my fingers feel.

today was a good day. i went to see the house i'm going to be living in next year. they have co-ed rooming, and i told my roommate that i wish i could have roomed with you instead. she wasn't hurt by it, she knows that you're always on the back of my mind. the rooms were nice, not too big but not too small. i think we would have been great roommates. anyways, i hope your day went well too. i know the weather's been getting warmer- do you remember the summer before last? that summer heat brought out the best (and the worst) in us. and when the electricity went out in the middle of the night and the room went dark in the midst of the summer heat. you told me not to worry because you know i'm afraid of the dark. i wasn't worried. i had you. the only thing worse than being single is not being yours.

woooooo all the girls and boys goin crazy trying to make the boys and girls go crazy
we're all a LIttle crazy but not
generally crazy for another except in
the ways we have
deluded ourselves again and again
That is why we want
to drive another crazy because of the comfort
in a fellow insanity plunge
of scattered ingenuous kisses
i love you i love you i love ......................... the .. way you make me feel?
                              is this real?
life, love is self-circled
and fairy lights aren't half as romance as his hands
bloodied; hers trembling; was it the other way around?

collarboned and cheeky and it's ALL about the bones, right?  ***** ur reliability unless u have the eyes to back it up sweetie

trash talk is mainly between me and the mirror
recently
so here you go

I want to call you and tell you I'm not okay. I don't want your sympathy. maybe all I'm looking for is your love. I want to tell and scream telling you its never been this bad before and I fear for my sanity. I want to tell you to cut the ******* and just come back already because you know it's always me and you and it's always going to be me and you ever since we met that one spring day in '15. I want to tell you that I remember you every time I feel happy and everytime I feel the need to cry. I want to call you and tell you to come back.

I want to call you and tell you I've never been better. I want to tell you that I'm eating well and working out. I'm doing great in all my classes and making ***-kicking money too. I want you to know that I dont even have time for love and even if I did, ive sworn off of it because I dont need a dead weight telling me what i can and can't do. I want to scream and tell you that you couldn't break me even though I loved you with everything and made you my everything. I want to tell you that I dont need you, and I dont want you either. I want you to call you and tell you to stay away.

I won't call you and there are things I won't say. love you or hate you, I guess you're on my mind either way. that says more than words could ever say.