"he...
he was
5 foot 7
with the most beautiful eyes
downward slanting
and oak-wood brown
laughs
and his hands
his hands
soft and sculpted
they were so delicate
and safe
but there
was strength
in them
he was
slender and...
laughs
actually, he fit
into my jeans
and it was really
funny because
i knew he would
but..
yeah, anyway
he had the best
hair like
the kind of hair
you'd want to
run your hands
through all
night and i could
never keep
my hands off of him
looks down
i've actually
been dreaming of
him and it was
a nightmare
where i was running
until
i run into his arms
and his
naked torso
was brown,
familiar,
warm and
so strong
i rushed into
his embrace
and whispered
let me hold you
it...
i'm getting off track
how to describe
this boy he
had strong arms
and he lifted me
off my feet
quite literally
his thighs were
like metal
and his shoulders
carried
the weight of the
world and
he carried
me
he had this
little spot
in between
his fingers
that i always
had a little
thing for
his smile
oh ****
grips stomach
i think i'm going
to throw up
thinking
of his laugh because
oh ****
it was the most
beautiful
and funny thing
you'd ever hear
he laughed like
the world wasn't
listening
it boomed
and oh my *******
god i can't breathe
clenches teeth
i can hear his laugh
when he
was happy and
so full of
confidence and
joy
holding my
hand as
we walked
out of the
cinema
****
don't remind
me of
the taste
of his LIPS
****
****
sorry
what did he look like,
you ask?
he was...
sits down
sorry
i'm...
things start going dark
****
listen
i don't feel
so well
can you
**** I CAN
FEEL HIM
ON ME
****
listen..
ah..
i...
..."

no one
can ever
replace you.

lovers
sinners
and best friends.

fun and emotional
support you were
everything.

continents away
and a couple
men later i know

it's always
going to be
me and you.

Was it ever
about you?

look up-
there's the ceiling
with its memories
of people passing
under and through
switching trains
exchanging hearts
if you close your eyes
you can hear the goodbyes
and the whistle of
the train as it puffs away
and beyond sight
there is so much beyond
sight and i'm running
up and down the stairs
here at grand central
station looking for
someone to hold my heart
maybe love was on the train
that just drove away
or maybe i'm just a little early
i check my watch
and the grandfather clock
dings.
i am not alone, i am with
a friend and so many strangers
and my friend looks at
me and says 'are you ready?'
i don't know if i am ready
i like being in a place of goodbyes
but she says to me that
goodbyes are only the start of
a hello and i guess she is right
but i can't help but think
if you were here with me
holding my hand
watching lovers part and
mothers cry
how wonderful it would be
to be the ones who have gained,
not lost-
watching others say goodbye
while we're just beginning
to say hello.

on a plane going back
to a place not called home
but i have found myself
calling for you on its streets
and this time recovery
looks less like broken phone calls
and momentary goodbyes but
broken ribs and cracked skulls
i swore i heard the raven crackle
in pain of what was and what never
would be i guess what i'm saying
is that it wasn't supposed to end this
way but an australian girl told me
that love, mate, love it comes and goes
and as we stood in grand central station
amongst the hellos and deathly goodbyes
i realized she was right

****
i'm having a panic attack
in this new city
all alone
and i'm terrified
i want to die
you left me in this city
to die

he looks at her
like the stars that shine
and i realize
i'm done wishing you were mine