i hate you

i hate the way you smile to yourself like the world inside your head is constantly better than the world with me in it

i hate the way you tap along to silent beats as if your ears are flooded with better melodies than my voice

i hate the way you roam these halls as if you're looking to float away from me

i hate the way you fill your notebook with tales where you're the sole heroine as though i'm not here as well

i hate the way you make me wanna be selfish

making me want to busy your mind with me

making me want to be what you smile to yourself about

making me want to hold you down so you can't tap along to the beat of someone else's heart

making me want to hold your hand like an anchor because you can't leave just yet

making me want to write a world in which it's you and i against the odds

making me want to paint over your heart so no one else can find it

i hate loving you

because loving you is far too consuming

because loving you seems so single sided

because loving you means loving a ticking time-bomb
ticking away until you finally disappear
and you tell me it's not me you're looking to leave
but if that were true
you'd think you'd invite me to disappear as well


i hate that i love you

i told you it was just that time of year again
and you asked me what i meant
as though you haven't been there that time of year
every year
and every year that time of year seems to get longer
and every year i seem more eager for it to come around
because this time of year is better
not good but the rest is worst
this is the time of year i set myself on fire
and see who burns out faster
me or everything i touch
me or the world
and every year i lose
but i'm getting better
i can make the game last longer
i learned how to fuel my own flames
and you've always known how to make me burn bright
maybe one year you'll be there to see me win

my father taught me love is conditional
that you can stop loving the people you promised the world to
that you can pack away their things as though they never occupied your heart
that you can go through the daily motion without thinking of them
that you can fill their seat at the dinner table with someone else
that you can carry on with the holidays as though no one is missing
that you can give up

my father taught me you can say i love you & goodbye without missing a beat

i don’t know how to feel a little
i only know too much
sometimes that’s a good thing
sometimes i love you so much i don’t need to breath
but other times i’m so angry i could drown in it
so sad i might be consumed by it
so much i might push you beyond my reach

i wish i wasn’t so much