I stay up all night.
Just wide awake.
And even though I barely slept last night.
Or the nights before.
I still can't sleep even if I tried.
I can't go to sleep without you by my side.
I can't go to sleep without hearing your voice.
I can't go to sleep without atleast saying goodnight and that I love you.
And since I can't sleep.
I stay awake all night long.
I stay awake until exhaustion takes over.
I stay awake until I'm so tired, it feels as though you're there.

It's the simplest moments that the loneliness hits the hardest.
When things as mundane as stubbing your toe occur.
The moments when you just need someone to help you up.
Freak out about the tiniest cut and rush to bring you a bandaid.
But you have to stifle your yell of pain.
Force yourself up.
Take care of yourself.
Because that's the thing about being alone.
Nobody is there to help in even the simplest of moments.

I did it again.
I picked up the blade and played that game of tic tac toe.
I stained my fingers with the ****** ink.
Dragging the blade back and forth till I felt drunk on the cuts.
Till I felt numb from the pain.
The mental pain I'm drowning in.
The pain caused from missing a boy who no longer exists.
Missing a girl who died with her child.
Missing the family that left when her mother walked out the door.
The pain caused from the anxiety left on me.
The anxiety of never knowing who to talk to or where I belong.
If I still have people in my life to lean on.
However that's probably partially my fault.
I the girl who never stops speaking...
No longer even tries to speak to those I care for.
I can't.
My blade has become my bestfriend tonight.
And I don't think any of them would understand.
So here I sit.
Laying on the floor of my closet.
An ace bandage wrapped around my thigh.
Hiding my newest game of tic tac toe.
As I write you this poem.

100 years ago.
If we were this in love...
We would be married or atleast engaged by now.
We would understand the fact we're meant to be.
That our love is one to last lifetimes.
We would go with it and let our love thrive.
We wouldn't be worrying about anybody else.
We wouldn't be worrying about our future.
It would just be us.
We would let our love and happiness with each other be it all.
But it isn't 100years ago
Life is all about success and who you're going to be.
And at our ages...
In this century...
We can't be meant to be
Not currently anyways.
The way the world runs that's the worst thing we can ever do.
Sooo we can't be in love.
I'm going to have to stop acting like it.
But I **** well am not going to ever stop feeling it.
I am always going to love you.
Hopefully someday we will find our way back.
We will be meant to be again.
It just ***** that the world punishes those who find love so early now.
If we met 10 years from now...
Nobody would blink twice about how we feel and care.
But we're stuck with all this life everyone is telling us we have to live.
Lives that currently we can't live together.
I really just keep hoping for a time machine.
Or that you'll start not caring about what society says it takes to live.

Why is the sight of blood dripping down my thigh so appealing?
Why do I love the burning of alcohol so much?
Why does a bottle of pills make me smile?
Why do I adore having a hazed mind.
Why does smoke flowing around me excite me?
Why are these habits so bad...
If they make me feel alive?
If they make me calm?
If they help me cope?

I have never been one to love cheesy lines.
Talking like immature children with no real knowledge at love feels like an insult on my intelligence.
However,
To tell the girl in love with food;
That she looks like french fries and that's you saying she looks beautiful...
To tell the girl in love with Avatar the Last Airbender;
That you'd wait in an iceberg a 100 years to be with her...
To ask the girl in love with Doctor Who;
If she will have tea and crumpets with you...
That is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.
Those are the things that cause enormous undying smiles to appear on my face.
Those are the things that make me blush for the rest of the day.
Those are the words I will never forget.
Those are the words no girl will ever forget.
If you are willing to connect with who I am,
I will be in love with you for the rest of eternity.

I've always loved looking at the stars.
Then I always found us laying outside staring at the stars.
Then I fell inlove with them even more.
I always thought of you on a star filled night.
And then...
When I had my miscarriage...
I started calling that baby my shooting star.
Stars have become the world to me.
Except now instead of filling me with happiness and happy memories.
They make me wish for all the moments I've lost.
I'm sitting outside looking at the stars.
Filled with this feeling of content loneliness.
I go outside every night before I sleep And stare up at the stars.
The stars are always above us.
They are the most beautiful thing in my life now a days.

With you I never stop smiling.
I never stop laughing.
With you I'm overcome with happiness.
That's what I love most about being with you.

I never expected this...
To have the type of friends I have.
To be  in the "pothead" crowd.
I never thought I would be as rebellious as I am
I never thought I would...
Party.
Get high.
Drink.
Sneak out.
Lie.
Steal.
Or any of the other **** I do.
I always thought that,
I would be like my sister...
Because I am so much like her!
But I'm not!
I am no where close to how she is.
I never expected it...
But then again,
I am defiantly not shocked by it!
I don't regret who I am at all!
I do all these things because I want to.
And for no other reason...
I love my friends!
And I am proud of who we all are.

I get through my day with lying smiles and fake laughter.
I get up everyday and dress like everything is okay.
I've gotten so good at pretending....
Nobody ever knows that I'm shattered inside.
That way I don't have to explain to people why I'm not okay.
Truthfully I'm more than not okay.
I'm dead inside.
The only reason I'm still physically alive...
Is so I don't cause this much pain to those I care for.
Which is more pain than most people can handle.
I live a loveless life.
I don't know how to love anymore.
I can say the words...
But the emotion just isn't there.
It's a horrible life to live.
I feel as though I am nothing.
Mentally I'm crying and screaming.
On the outside I'm smiling.
Wishing somebody would see my internal tears.
That way they could hold me close and pull me away from the darkness.
The way he did all those lifetimes ago.

Wake Up
Smoke
Go To Work
Smoke
Watch Netflix
Smoke
Stay Up All Night Stuck In My Head
Smoke
Force Myself To Sleep
Falling Asleep Dreaming Of Him
And Repeat

Stay by my side.
Don't let go for a second.
I can't imagine life without you again.
Just lay here a while longer.
Let's hold off on this ending as long as possible.
This isn't the last time I'll see you.
I just refuse to wait any longer for the next.
We belong at each other's sides.
Why does distance have to make love so hard?

There's a 50/50 chance here my dear.
Shall we stay.
Or shall I go.
I'm fighting an un-winnable war.
Fighting to win.
For so long there has been a weight on my soul.
You lifted it off of me.
Allowed me to see who I truly am.
Now here we are with the stars up above.
Though that weight had fallen back down.
Choosing you as its newest victim.
I'm fighting a war against the darkness that once devoured me.
A battle I've never been able to beat.
The stakes are higher this time.
However I know I can't bring you out of the darkness.
I'm struggling to remember who you are underneath.
It's time I find another place love.
To disappear and never leave a trace.
Go anywhere I want.
I'll never be able to fight the army surrounding you.
I've lost my chance to love who you truly are.

There are those who say they stay awake
From the hours of 1-5am because the world is silent
No body is trying to bother them
However I disagree
Between 1-5am the world is my destruction
My mind becomes a tormented prison
Those I love call me crying
Torn down from their own mental hell
People are using drugs
Girls and guys are *******
The world is not silent
The world is exploding into a chaos that most can not see
They're hidden away in their bedrooms protected from harm
Kept safe from the cruelty the rest of us endure.

Someday I'll learn how to fly.
I'll leave this place and all of my fears behind.
My soul will heal and my smile won't look as forced.
I will journey down an adventure few experience and many envy.
I will sit in silence without thoughts over powering me.
I'll forget everything I've been through, all the pain I've endured.
Someday I'll be everything I've dreamed of.

I look at you and it feels like my heart is breaking.
How do you truly know we will be okay.
I'm petrified and all I want to do is run.
We are about to spend this amazing month together but then what.
We will be stuck 1,000 miles away again.
Spending month after month attempting a relationship through skype and phone calls.
Keeping things alive with promiscuous snapchats and conversations.
Will we make it?
Will we be okay if we end up going six months or longer apart again.
I love you more than I know how to describe.
Though as my mother taught me...
Love isn't always enough.

I've finally accepted reality.
There's no getting over you.
There will not be one second from the moment I started,
To the day I am no more,
That I will stop loving you.
I know that are time is through.
That I can't even think of your name without feeling as though I'm dying.
But there's no point in trying anymore.
I will never be over you.
Though I am starting to learn how to live my life again...
Knowing that a giant part of me loves what I can never again have.

I'm an artist in many ways.
I use a pen.
I use paint.
I use canvas.
I use a blade.
I use my body.
My masterpiece sometimes drips down my legs.
As I play tic tac toe on my thigh.

I see you walking down my street
and the sight of you is so **** sweet.
Every time I see your smile
My heart skips a beat.
You'll never know how I feel
but you're all I ever think about.
The thought of you is so **** sweet.
Everything about you is perfection to me...
your eyes
your voice
your look
your charm
I love everything about you
Even all the things I hate.
You are annoying
and cocky
and a complete and total ***
but none of that matters to me.
When it's just us...
your always so **** sweet.
I see the true you hidden behind all those layers.
At first you are the shyest
most socially awkward person in the world.
Then you get comfortable
and start to act like an ***
but underneath all that I know...
Your so **** sweet
and just perfect for me.

And in her final hours the stars showed themselves brighter than ever before. Lightening streaked through a perfectly clear sky. The wind swayed through every single leaf in eye sight. Before she took one last swig from her drink then laid down for the last time.

I never knew how lucky I was.
Lucky to be in love.
In a relationship with not just somebody who loved me.
But someone who was also my bestfriend.
Now here I am.
You're still my bestfriend.
I'm still in love with you.
But we're not together.
So I'm just constantly craving to hear it.
Yearning for you to say those three words again.
Desperate to hear you tell me
"I Love You"
I never knew how lucky I was.
Lucky to hear you tell me that.
For the person I love to show love back to me.
Now I'm constantly just desperate...
Desperate to not just know.
But to hear that you love me.
Desperate to hear such simple words.
It's like I'm starved for it.
Sometimes it's all I can think about.
All I want.
Is a simple...
"I Love You"

E asy is nonexistent.
S orrow is upon us all.
C ant escape from reality.
A ll the pain is coming back.
P eople are surrounding me.
E veryone has left me though.

F reedom is all I want.
R eal freedom.
O f a different sort than the one I posse.
M ental turmoil is what I want to escape from.

R eality *****.
E scaping is all I want.
A lthough I'm scared of letting go.
L ove has a hold upon me.
I wish it wasn't there.
T hough I doubt you know.
Y ou are what I hold most dear.

They say to follow your heart when your mind disagrees
But I'm not sure if I should
My heart says that I miss you
I miss talking to you
And what we once had
But my mind says that I shouldn't
That I shouldn't care about you at all anymore
My heart begs me to try because you make me happy.
And my mind says don't, you'll just get broken again
That he doesn't actually care
That he never will
My heart argues back
Saying that's not true
He wouldn't speak to me if that was the case
Wouldn't say what they did if that was true
My mind reminds me though that even so it won't matter
The opportunity has long since passed.
It'll be impossible to get it back
My heart simply states...
Anything is possible if you try hard enough...
The question I ask though is should I try..?
Or I should I push you back away?

Take me back to the old days.
The days of eight people squeezing into one booth.
The days of random free food.
The days of pilling people into a car and blaring music.
Having silently parties while my parents were asleep.
Random night walks.
Random night drives.
Unplanned trips to the mall.
Spending hours just sitting in a room.
All of us pilled in to one apartment.
Getting the text from mom telling us she's making dinner and everyone comes running.
Take me back to the old days.
I miss it.

You literally make it feel as though I can't breathe.
Which is why I can't keep pretending.
I can't pretend I only see you as a friend.
Just seeing your name cross my phone makes me smile like an idiot.
I'm falling for your goofy smile.
I'm falling for your horrible sentence structure in texts.
I like you.
I'm falling for you.
I want you to be here next to me.
Holding me as I sleep every night.

I'm sitting here in the same spot I have sat hundreds of times before with memories taking over my mind. Thinking back to a happier time.
A time with you sitting next to me with a talon in your hand.

You make eternity feel like a matter of seconds.
Sitting next to you feels like I'm frozen in time.

Why can't I get this feeling out of my head.
Anytime somebody brings it up,
Children,
Pregnancy,
Miscarriage.
The feeling comes back.
The empty feeling throughout all of me.
The crushing feeling on my heart.
The pounding in my head.
The all over urge to crawl in bed and never leave.
I felt the life of my child evaporate from me.
As hard as I try...
I just can't forget it.
This is the worst pain I've ever felt.
And it never goes away.
It just fades out from time to time.

All she knew was that nothing in the world could be more perfect than this moment. With the sea spread out infront of her lightly crashing to the shore, the sun tanning the bridge of her nose, and the wind softly blowing through her thick hair. Nothing could make this moment better; except of course one thing. Though she knew better than to think of such devastations. The pain and sorrow was far too much. She always dreamed of coming here with him. However, that was before he left and everything changed.

Why can't I stop these dreams.
They crash into my mind.
Then spend the day on repeat.
I despise it.
That's my time to escape my thoughts of you.
Yet. You fill those moments as well
Though at the same time...
They're so vivid.
It's as though you're right next to me.
I wake up thinking it was real.
Which maybe is why I hate it so much.
Befriends means forever and always right?
What happened to forever and always.
Why did things have to be ruined.
I just want these dreams to end.
So my thoughts of you aren't as constant.
That way I'm not always reminded of the heartbreak.
The crushing sensation of losing my bestfriend.

Today was such a great day.
Today was my birthday.
I normally dispise this day.
I find birthdays idiotic.
Why submit people into categories of age.
When the mind is an age different from the body.
Though today was different.
For the first time in years I loved this day.
I haven't smiled in so long, my face aches.
I spent the day running around with friends,
Swimming,
Laughing,
Loving the time together.
Today was a great day.
I'm truthfully amazed.

Did he really know me.
Did he know the way I pulled my hair from its ponytail.
The way I knew how he fixed his.
Did he know when I was upset without showing.
As I did with him.
Did he want to know my family.
The places I grew up.
The way I knew his family.
The way I wanted to see where he once lived.
Did he truly know me.
The way I knew him.
Loved me.
The way I loved him.
If he did know me better.
Would he have stayed.
Or left sooner.
If he did know me like I thought.
Is that why he stayed as long as he did.
Did he leave just because he forgot.
He forgot who I am.
We hit a rough patch.
I forgot who I was.
He must have too.

My dear
My sweetie
My darling
My baby
My favorite
My cutie
My idiot
My dork
My freak
My sweetheart
Honey
Babe
Lover
My love!!!!
These are all things I have called you before!
And they are all true!
Sooooooo....
May I just say that,
You are mine!!!
I love you!!

I remember the first time you held me.
It lasted for only a minute.
I lost my balance and you caught me.
Your hands were on my sides.
My eyes locked with yours.
It was only a matter of seconds before you let go.
Those seconds felt like eternity.
Everything froze in that moment.
Nothing else existed but you.
It feels so cliche to say, like something you'd hear in a movie.
Nothing else exists when you touch me.
Over two years has passed since that moment and it still holds true.
On nights like this I think of that moment.
On nights like this I wish I had you here to hold me and make everything disappear again.

I've had somewhat of a heavy heart as of late.
The loss of you has been hitting more frequently again.
The pain is always there though at times is more intense.
I saw another shooting star just now.
That would be 5 since I lost you.
My beautiful baby whose eyes never got to meet the world.
My beautiful baby who I never got the chance to hold.
I think of you constantly.
With every shooting star I see I know it's your way of telling me everything will be okay.
I will be okay.
My beautiful baby.
My shooting star.
You will always be with me.

Falling for you was a dream come true.
Loving you was the nightmare I never expected.

Reoccurring emotions.
Every few months I experience reoccurring emotions.
I have a new life.
New battles to face.
However, every few months it occurs.
The same fights with my mom.
The same conversations about it with my sister.
The same feeling of abandonment from my friends.
The same crushing feeling of missing someone who lives 1,000 miles away.
In the months inbetween everything is different.
I believe the pattern will not occur once more.
How could it?
Nothing in my life is the same as before.
Then it happens.
It becomes time to battle the reoccurring emotions.

I'm falling for him...
For my bestfriend,
Who lives 1000 miles away.
I don't know what to do
It's all to soon!
But I can't help it.
All I want is to talk to him,
All I do is smile when I do!
But there's so many complications.
The timings all just wrong.
We live 1000 miles away.
There's no way to make this work.
So I'm just left sitting here falling harder with every word
Knowing there's nothing I can do to make this happen,
But just hope someday the timing will be right

Spent the day sick.
Nausea filling my hours.
Laying here now.
Music blaring.
Soaking in a steaming hot bath.
Tea in hand.
Fruit, Chocolate, and Gummy Bears by my side.
Candles lite in the distance.
I remember no matter how bad it gets.
How unpleasant you feel.
Life always has it peaceful moments to keep you sane.

I can literally play every single memory from our friendship through my mind.

I miss you so much!

I can't stop crying from how much it hurts to let all of this go.

You're my bestfriend! I miss your laughter mixing with mine.

But I know you want the goodbye...

She sat there in hysterics.
Mentally and emotionally numb.
Swinging her feet off the side of a dock in debate.
Debating on how long it takes someone to drown.
What it feels like to be suffocated by the water.
How long would it be till someone found her.
What her parents reactions would be.
What her siblings and friends would feel.
If anyone would truly care or let go after the appropriate amount of time to grieve.
Time ticking fast.
She promised herself not to rush into the decision.
She survived once before when she attempted too quickly.
The seconds and minutes blurred together quickly as her deadline approached.
She took of her jewelry, jacket, and shoes.
Took the password off of her phone.
She was ready.
One minute remaining.
Her decision already made.
She finishes her cigarette.
It's 2:01
One minute passed.
Then she hears him.
Running over to her.
Sitting down with her.
Hugging her.
Asking her if she's okay.
Saving her.
Not realizing that if he was just a few minutes later she would be lost to him forever.
He saved her.

Is being in love worth it?
Is being in a relationship worth it?
If you know it's not forever and will inevitably end...

Is it no longer possible for someone to look outside of their mind long enough to see me.
To see that I'm cracking, shattering across the floor.
With nothing but tears and sobs to slow my fall.

I love the way you say my name.
I love the way you are always telling me to take just one tiny bite when I'm not eating.
I love the way you look at me and smile.
God do I love your smile.
I love how passionate you are about the things you love.
How enthusiastic you get playing video games.
I love the way you always have to make sure that "I am sure" about everything.
I love that you have dreams.
I love how caring you are.
That I can call you day or night.
I love your taste in music.
I love the way you accept me.
I love that you can always make me smile.
I love how happy I make you.
How happy you make me.
I love the way my heart stops every time you say that you love me.
I love the way you try to hide the giant smile you get when I'm talking about how amazing you are.
I love the way your hand feels in mine.
The way your chest feels when I'm using you as a pillow.
I love the way we can talk for hours or lay in silence together the entire day.
I love knowing that you're always there.
I love you.
I truly do.

You inform me that cigarettes will **** me.
They'll destroy my lungs.
Give me cancer.
That each cigarette shortens my life.
That with each drag I'm killing myself.
That it's not healthy.
Yet.
Don't you think I know all of this too.
You're definitely not the first to inform me either.
So don't you think that I don't care.
I don't care if it kills me.
Maybe I want to die.
Maybe I hope it kills me.
Because....
I would never end my life myself.
I couldn't.
I could never put my family through that.
So yes I know this next drag will shorten my life.
This next cigarette could collapse my lungs.
But I welcome it.
I wish it.
I can't stand living here.
So please.
Let me smoke this pack in peace.
I can't wait for the consequences to occur already.

I constantly find myself sitting here.
In a state between nostalgia and remorse.
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
I find myself sitting here almost a full year later.
An entirely new cycle of memories having been made.
Yet I still find myself sitting here everyday.
The memories of the year prior playing like a movie on a never ending loop still have yet to leave my mind.
It's been almost a year since we've touched.
Since we've spoken.
So tell me why I can hear his voice perfectly as though he's right next to me.
Why can I feel his touch as though he is next to me.
His hand intertwined with mine.
I try to forget.
Though it never works....
They say time heals all wounds.
It's been almost a full year.
The pains never changed.
It's just as harsh and brutal.
The only thing that's changed, is that I've gotten use to it.
It's been almost a full year.
I still constantly find myself sitting here.
Feeling nothing but pain and the cold metal of the necklace he got me against my skin.

Can I just have you back now?
Could it be how it use to be?
I'm going crazy over here.
I can't stop missing you.
Missing how it use to be.
I miss those long conversations.
Being able to always call you mine.
Knowing I always had someone here for me.
When I truly needed someone.
So please?
Can we go back in time?
To the time when you were only mine.

Irrational fear builds up inside of me
I start to mentally scream
As I begin to take shallow breaths
Panic stricken I fall to the ground
Letting the coolness of the tile calm me
I let out a shaking sob
Laying there I start to pray
Pray for the power to get through
The ablity to let go
To give him all my power
I sit up and take a deep breathe
Meditating until I'm able to continue on for the day.
Thankful I have a way to curb the mental breaks
Glad to have such a connection again

I was told that over time it would get easier.
Yet...
With each day that passes I find it getting worse.