I remember one day we were talking and it was right after you left so I was still living for every word you wrote to me

I was frustrated, upset, but never angry. I told you it wasn't fair that you were gone and I was here and I'm devastated and you're just fine.

You said you didn't understand and it took me until now to realize you really didn't understand.

You are able to go about your day, follow the schedule, wake up without thinking. You are able to live without.

We were happy, in love, excited together. Apart I am isolated, desperate, depressed. Apart you are cold, habitual, just fine.

laying on the floor i searched for a song
one to match the pain the sorrow the fear i was facing
a song to understand the desperation
a song to understand the hurt
a song to to understand that sometimes it won't get better

walking through the streets i searched for a song
one to match the pain the sorrow the fear i was facing
a song to understand the mask
a song to understand the covering up
a song to understand that sometimes faking it won't get rid of the hurt

standing in the middle of the floor i searched for a song
one to match the pain the sorrow the fear i was facing
a song to understand the confusion
a song to understand the guilt
a song to understand that sometimes I can't take another step

but there is no song
there are no lyrics
there is no instrument
it's silence without you

"What is it?"
"Sorry, it's just I haven't heard your voice in three months. It's going to take me a second to get used to it."

The story of you and me is my favorite story to tell.

Listening to a song when I close my eyes and my mind travels to another world
Where your hands are around my waste and we are moving with the music
My head is on your chest and you are whispering my name into my ear
Your hand is in mine like its supposed to be and I am hours like I'm supposed to be
But then I open my eyes, take a breath, and try to forget we were almost meant to be
{bcg}

I never told my mother about you
I knew it would be ******* her
And even harder on me
So I just never told her

But sometimes I would feel sad
Because something reminded me of you
And I would get up and go to the bathroom
Because I couldn't cry in front of her

She has no idea the hurt I was in
She has no idea the pain I endured
She has no idea what I had so
She has no idea what I lost

But a song will come on
While we are riding in the car
And my eyes start tearing up
And I can't tell her why
And she feels so bad she starts to cry

I've given so many excuses
Allergies, the wind, an eyelash
And even though she doesn't believe me she doesn't pressure
Because she understands the truth must be too painful for her ears
{bcg}

I put on another dress
I apply another coat of blush
I curl my hair perfectly
     I look like a dream

I take another pill
I pour another glass
I pull out a razor
     I hurt like a nightmare

I tell another joke
I give another kiss
I smile till I forget
     I fake like an actor

you gave me a prince
then told him i wasn't his princess

you gave me a knight
then told him i wasn't worth the war

you gave me a savior
then you told him i wasn't worth saving

i loved him
i loved him even though i was too young to know what love was
i loved him
and you took him from me

Some days I can't stop thinking about you and some days I wonder why I start.
{bcg}

I still can't sleep at night because you wander across my eyelids,
but you'll never know.

"I'm not leaving", you comforted me.
"I'll always want to talk"
"It'll be different," I insisted
"You'll be busy with a life that doesn't include me
And I'll have to learn to live without"

The nights we stayed up talking
Four thousand miles away
The nights I kept the scraps you left so close
Until the night became day
The nights you told your secrets
And I told you my fears
The nights I felt so safe
After all of my painful years

Those nights changed me
Despite the hurt and the cursing
Those nights saved me
From the horrible mornings

What if...

I lose the memory of the first time we kissed?
I can't retrieve the image of you crossing the room to me?
I forget the way your hands felt holding my face?
I can't remember the shirt you were wearing or the way you smelled?

I lose you?


----------------------------
Would I lose myself?

You know how when you lose someone you avoid things that remind you of them
Like that coat you wore when you first held hands
Or the song that was playing in that one car ride with them
Or the food you ate the last time you were together

Well it's like anything and everything is one of those things for me
So I'm going through life trying to avoid life
Just because it reminds me of losing you
Sure, my heart's already broken, but it still keeps breaking everyday

But the worst part is not the tears or stomach pains that come from these things
It's that if I met you tomorrow and I knew all the hurt you would cause me
I would still love you while I had you
{bcg}

It's embarrassing to say
but I talk to your picture when I can't bear it anymore
It's just I really miss you
And you aren't here to hear anymore
I almost called you the other day
just to hear your voice
and also ask you what type of deodorant you use
I could imagine the conversation
I would ask you
and you'd laugh and ask me why
and I'd say I missed the way you smelled and it's cheaper than a plane ticket
and you'd get quiet
and I'd get quiet
and the conversation would be cut short
by the same honesty that lead to you not being here anymore

I told you I'd never let you become my everything
But that's a stupid promise to make
Because I can't control the impact of something on me
When you left I couldn't force myself not to break
{bcg}

When we were together things didn't seem real until I told you about them
When something happened to me, it didn't really happen until I told you
And now that you're gone
I'm just living in this haze without you
{bcg}

do you want me to keep the light in the window
do you want me to keep a spot open for you
do you want me to wait

if you give me just a bit of hope
if you listen to just one more song
if you let me call just one more time

I won't give up
I won't let go
I won't, I swear

Because I will wait for you
if it means a little bit of hope
if it means one more song
if it means one more call

I'll wait for you
{bcg}

"How are you?"
"I'm fine."

"How are you?"
"I feel sick, sick like I'm dying. Dying from all of the things that used to make me happy. Your pictures on my computer are killing me. Your old letters are killing me. Every memory of me and you and everything we used to be, is killing me. But the thing that gets to me the most, the one thing that tops all other reason for tears: The fact that I can't talk to you about it. I can't tell you about how much I miss you or how much  I loved you or about all of the hard times. I can't ask you if you feel the same. I can't ask you if you want to try again. That's killing me, not having my best friend."

At first I thought it was the nights
I thought the nights were the worst part
The sudden fits of loneliness that come at 3am
The tv I have to watch to dull the pain
The words I have to write to drain the pain
Falling asleep alone

Then I thought it was the mornings
I thought the mornings were the worse part
The happiness I feel right after a dream
The empty spot next to me
The empty spot reminding me
You're still gone

But then I realized it was the day
The days were the worst part
Days full of little events I used to tell you about
Days of starting to type out a message
Days of erasing the words I was going to say
Because you're gone one more day
{bcg}

i don't know why you left

was it the miles between our calls
or the years between
because if so id understand
was it the secrets
or having to keep things from me
because if so id understand

but if it was not loving enough
if it was not caring
if it was boredom
or if you just stopped liking me
i don't understand

because I loved enough for the both of us
and you always said you cared
and we always had something to discuss
you said you liked me even if you only would on a dare
and you swore you'd never lied to me
so i know you spoke the truth
when you said I'm yours and you're mine this time
{bcg}

You made the small things big
The little phrases and patterns we adopted as our own
You made them important, you made them feel like home
It was the way you said "I know"
Or the way I said "tell me something"
Those repeated moments grounded me
Those habitual words centered me
I never had a home until the moment I realized
You were never going to stop saying, "Hi"
{bcg}

The problem
isn't that I want to be with you
The problem
is I always want to be with you
The problem
isn't that I want to kiss you
The problem
is that I always want to kiss you
The problem
isn't that I love you
The problem
is I never stop loving you
The problem
isn't that we're over
The problem
is that we never really started

I don't want
one more kiss
one more talk
one more time

I want
A lifetime of kisses
A lifetime of talking
A lifetime of you
{bcg}

I don't regret you
Not because you didn't break my heart, you did
Not because I don't hate you, I do
Not because you didn't take a part of me with you when you left, you did
Not because I don't spend sleepless night thinking about you, I do

I don't regret you because you made me feel
And the opposite of love is not hate
The opposite of love is not feeling at all
And you made me feel more than I've ever felt before
{bcg}

pearls
powder
and lipstick with the perfect shade of pink

"It's important to look your best when you feel your worst," I recite as I get ready for another day without him.

skirt
scarf
and chanel number five

"Just for a minute," I whisper as I slip the ring on before heading out the door.

coffee
coat
and black pumps

"Goodbye, my love," I accidentally yell through the screen door.

terror
tears
and falling to the ground

“******,” I scream because I actually forgot he's gone

{bcg}

I didn't cry today
I can't write it in a resume or post in a status or sing it in a song
But I didn't cry today so maybe that means I'll be okay
Maybe the unprompted tears or sudden screams are over
Maybe I'll never sit in the shower hyperventilating
Because I accidentally pictured his eyes
Again

When I hear his name
It’s like every one of those horrible moments all rolled into one
It’s like every time I pick up the phone to call him
And the universe waits till the third digit to remind me that he’s gone
Because that’s what he is: gone
But I can't forget the way he held my face
Or his laugh at three in the morning

I avoid sitting in certain rooms
Because when I walk by his spot
It's like it’s mocking me
"You're still here and he's not"

So I'll celebrate the first day without tears
I'll ignore people who may mention him
And when I walk into the dining room
I'll keep my eyes on the floor
So I'm not reminded that it's no longer his chair
And he’ll never be there
Again
{bcg}

Next to my alarm clock, on my bedside table, I keep a note
It simply says:
"It was a dream. He's still gone."
And every morning when I wake up with a smile
And roll over to trace your lips good morning,
I see the note
I don't have to read it anymore
I know what it says
I memorized it like I memorized you
{bcg}