It's Christmas day
Everyone's smiling
Everyone's fake.
Joy is lacking,
Emptiness is raging,
and no one cares
about anyone,
just everyTHING.
Why have we gotten
So superficial?
What has come
To the world,
That we should behave,
In such a way?
You get everything on your list.
It's still not enough.
You should be content,
But your fake smile
Is the closest thing
To happiness you know.
Your family is together,
But that may truly be
A bad thing.
Because, suddenly,
No one is themselves,
And you're all transforming
Into little Barbie dolls.
This Christmas,
Just like all of the last,
You ask yourself,
Why isn't it enough?
Well, I'll tell you why.
You're focusing on the wrong,
And not the right,
The bad,
Rather than the good,
Santa,
Rather than Jesus.

I'm a dreamer with no destination,
Looking for a place called home.
I follow the map of the stars,
Looking for a place to rest my heart.
I follow the sound of his voice,
Leading me to a place of love.
I follow my Heavenly Father,
Who is looking out for me above.
And I will follow what I need
Until one day, I can lead.

31 october 2014*

There will come a day
education, career, kids, love
after,
when all the feelings in the world have
allready been felt.

On that day
there will be so much, still
but all is old, recycled, outworn
Like that old sweater you used to love,
only wistfulness keeping it mourning in its drawer.
One day you will find it
recognise it, smile
only to put it back,
never wear it again.

There will come a day
laughter, tears, irresponsability,
later,
when we will live but not.
Routine kills the reckless,
only absurdity fills their lungs.

On that windy day
there will be so much, still
so please,
don't tell me about used up feelings.
Please, I beg.
Tell me I’m wrong.

The first time I looked into your eyes
Felt your lips against mine
Your body and mine entwined
Our hearts aligned
Our love combined
I knew I could search my whole life
And never again would I find
What we share
And I vowed right then and there
I wouldn't have to
I vowed
To love you like you were leaving
So I would never have to face the grieving
Of you getting up and closing the door
Because never in my life have I been so sure
That two people were made for one another
As you were made for me
And I was made for you
That two people could be so right for each other
As perfect as us two.

i wonder if the doors in the house you grew up in
started slamming themselves to save your father the trouble.
i wonder if you can remember the last time you prayed,
and if you had trouble unfolding your hands.
i wonder if your mother knows
about the collection of hearts you hide in your closet,
i wonder if she could tell mine apart from the rest.
i wonder if your shoes know the reason why
you keep them by the back door and not your bedside.
and sometimes, i wonder
if you ever think about that night when i told you,
you wouldn't need to drink so much if you had me.
but it seems like we only speak when you've got body on your brain,
whiskey in your glass,
your judgement is overcast,
and you know i'm too weak to ignore you.
i learned how to translate your texts
from drunken mess back into english.
i am fluent in apology, but i don't ask you for them anymore.
this is just how it is.
it's not enough for either of us
but ******* it we are not above settling.
so i will ignore her name on your breath,
and you will ignore the fact that this means something to me.
i always thought the first time i kissed you,
it would be on your mouth.
i just wanted to be something warm for you to sink into,
something that could convince you to stay a second night.
but i sneak you out in the early morning,
and you take a piece of my pride with you when you go.
i am left to nurse the hangover from a wine i've never tasted,
wondering how this is possible.
waiting for the next drunk call,
for the next time i get to pretend we are lovers,
the next time i get to live out the fantasy i am most ashamed of.
it is the one in my head where you want me when you're sober too.

- m.f.