I hope to be half as wonderful
As you see me to be.

GOD,

Return my heart and mind
  To perfect love and truth.
I seek what is divine,
  The innocence of youth.
Remind me who I am,
  And teach me how to stand;
Teach me how to live,
  And show me that I can.

oh yeah
sure
let's ask the traumatized kid
if she knows anyone in that stage of psychological life
the one where you
start questioning
whether or not you're happy
and you often make
rash decisions
oh yeah.
i do know someone
who's right in that spot.
can you describe it
for the class?
what the hell, sure.
...as i explain to everyone
that my mother left
because she was bored
i watch the words "oh ****"
etch themselves
onto my professor's face
yep.
i'm never getting called on
again.

i will save time,
littlest brother.
i will wrap it up
and put it into a box
to mature,
like a rare cheese
only for you and me.

on the day
that you come to me
and want to know
what it was like
before mom left
because you won't remember,
i will open our box
and show you.

first i will take out
a lock of mom's blonde hair
that used to fall
down to her waist
and i will tell you
what it looked like
in the sunshine
while we made
daisy chains.
i will tell you
how it turned brown
later on
and how mom let me sit
on her bed
and twist, twist, twist
for hours,
because i didn't know how to braid.
and how me and Erika sat
in front of the space heater
and dried off
after a bath
mom crocheting
on the bed,
singing.

then i will remove from our box
a crisp, shriveled leaf
from the Big Tree
and i will let you smell it.
i will say,
this is what
home smells like...
never forget,
littlest brother.
i will sit you on my lap
and paint you pictures with my fingers
i will reveal to you little indian huts
and smoky firepits
and *****, chipped toes.

lastly
i will steal from time
and will take from our box,
what is rightfully ours
and i will give you
the last shred
that i have saved
for so long...
just for you, littlest brother.
i will give you mom and dad
together.
happy.
i will give you mom and dad
in their funky, attic-smelling bathing suits
mom's tummy protruding with another older sister for you
standing on the hot stones
dad's big, funny glasses
glinting in the sun,
a sun that shown down
on something whole
something perfect.
i will give you mom and dad
snuggled under a blanket
on the couch
watching a movie together
mom giving dad 'the look'
as he chuckles...

littlest brother,
i will do all i can
to create memories for you...
because everyone deserves to remember
something happy...
littlest brother,
i will steal from time
all i can
all for you...
until time decides to take back
what is rightfully his.

Dear __
I know you want to help the world
but no matter how big your smile is
your hands are only so big.
Keep you chin up
keep smiling that beautiful smile
I know that glow in your eyes when you smile
is enough to help some people.
Don’t stop caring about people
just preserve yourself
You can’t help anyone
if you are the one
most in need
of your own help and guidance

Sincerly,
Me

Let me tell you a bit about me
A bit that I haven’t told anyone

Here goes nothing…

I listen to Lady Gaga
A lot
The smell of whiskey doesn’t burn my nose
Rather it smells familiar, similar to maple syrup
I love to dance a lot when no one is looking
And really provocatively
I doubt my ability
Yet fear my potential
I kissed a boy in first grade
But don’t know why I have literally hid this all my life
The book “Charley and the Chocolate Factory” changed me
And I never like chocolate until this year
I am afraid of dogs
I grew up with dogs all of my life
I really dislike my arms from the elbow up
But play off my flannel shirts and hoodies as a fashion statement
I bite my nails but not nervously
Rather because nail clippers make my nails feel weird
I watch ****…
No one really admits that one but most of us do
I love not washing my hair
But I hate going out in public that way
I love most people but pretend I don’t
It’s easier that way
I love the feeling of crumbling sheet rock
Especially if it is wet
I have cussed since I was probably 7…
I think I cuss less now than I did in fifth grade
I generally admire those farthest from me
They are what I’ll never be
I could see myself as president
But just as easily a stripper
I have to try really hard not to cry when I think of my childhood
Especially young memories
I have tweezed my eye brows
And my toes
I have worn makeup while no one was home
Mainly just to try it
I love eating raw sugar
Especially chewing it
I am pretty sure I was delusional as a child
But sometimes I feel like either I wasn’t or I still am
I don’t feel like people ever really know me
Especially my family

There is a chunk of me
Please don’t waste it

ghetto ******* laundromat, funny it ends
where it began, i do love a full circle, but
i can't say i love folding, and watching you
do it is as equally painful as doing it myself

question always, what do i want? what do i
want? what in the ******* world is it that
i want? that lame dave matthews song comes on,
what i want is what i've not got,
****, i know what you mean, dave, and maybe
i should thank you for reminding me of just
one more thing i can put on the list, or cross off
of it, whichever way you want to look at it,
it's just a reminder of what's not right, with me,
with you, with all of this

being thankful is a funny way of flipping
the tables when you can't find a way to wipe the
sad out of your eyes in the morning, because i
can guarantee you if you find the right light
and photograph yourself in it every day at around
the same time, pretty soon you'll start to see that
your smile is reaching the sides of your eyelids, and
before you know it your irises will stop looking
so dull, and soon you'll forget what it means to be tired