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 Apr 2013 Bamboo Bean
Circa 1994
I want to disappear
And start all over
When November is here.
I want to be seen
To scream
To runaway.
I want to be
Reckless
And wave goodbye
To tomorrow.
The bitter cold
Is my only companion
Because it's just
As lonely
As me.
 Apr 2013 Bamboo Bean
Annie
The burs were hanging in trees
Like small suicides, ***** of pathetic waste
And I cried because I no longer owned my body
There were chains clasped around my ankles
And attatched to the seedlings
children pluck
and blow away

And I cried because I am a ******* hypocrite
The way I judge you for obliterating yourself
Sacrificing your health to
A girl who does not care
When here I am kneeled over
The toilet
Sacrificing my health
In order to be skinny

Ribs are cracking under the weight of
Piano keys and rich words
Gluttonous demons whisper
Tales of good fortune
In my ears
When all I yearned for
Was to attend my own funeral
All I wanted was to tighten my knee caps
Remove the marrow in my bones
Rearrange synapses
And guts
Replace vital organs
With sand

I ordered a lobotomy for dinner last night
The savory cuts in my cranium
Tasted like chocolate
And I saw myself lying on
The cold slab of metal
Like I belonged there my whole entire life

But the worst part is
I continue to
Believe my worth is dependent on
How much of me does not exist

I keep lighting myself on fire
and watch as the wax
drips down my body
settling in a lumpy mound
beneath my feat

and

You keep lighting yourself on fire
Until you are nothing
But charred insides
And wasted potential
tortured by everything you were too afraid to do

there are bombs fused to each of your legs
and all you're waiting for
is for me to tell you
it's okay
for me to dust away the gun powder
but that is not my job
you are going to need to save yourself
I think I'll sink into the pit
return to take just one more hit
and another bit of
jazz.
Has anybody felt the same?
when thoughts of overriding shame override everything except the name
of the Devil that resides inside the syringe.
Does the thought of thinking make you cringe?
It's not a game
it's played for keeps.
When sanity sleeps inside the light and shades unmask the hidden night
where demons dance on a fingertip
I slip into a self destruct.
There's no saving me
the man inside the man can see
the killing of the man that was never meant to be.

And when everything looks so familiar,
the shouts,
'I'm coming out to **** ya'
don't worry me.
It's only what depression brings
When sad songs sing
when I can't suppress the hopelessness .

But I do confess
I really do.
Usually when I'm feeling blue and drained
I reign myself in tight one more slip into the night
and I am lost forever.
Never-Never land just isn't real
the deal that was laid upon the table
was a fable
unable to live up to my dreams
It seems it was a joke at my expense.
Though not dense I'm none too clever thinking I could live forever
in a tube
in a fix
a bit of jazz just does not mix
with life.
in salt
water
tears

stuck
on
you

ocean
ocean
ocean
to trip, from trip
 Apr 2013 Bamboo Bean
Redshift
you're failing
you're failing
you're failing
says the desk
the paper
the pen
you're failing
says the professor
how's class going
says dad
fine.
great.
good.
fantastic
i reply
 Apr 2013 Bamboo Bean
Redshift
be not kind to murderers
because they slip into your heart
without you noticing
**** you
from the inside
like a disease

be not kind
to murderers
because they have been trained
to ****
humanity
it doesn't matter
who you are to them

be not kind
to murderers
they want your life
your joy
your laugh
to pin up on their wall
like dead
butterflies
they captured
trophies
of love gained
and lost

be not kind
be not sweet
be not trusting
never accept love
from a murderer,
they were born
to **** you
 Apr 2013 Bamboo Bean
Redshift
1 pushup
i forget your face
2 pushups
i forget your fingers
3 pushups
i forget your
lips
i forget your nose
4
for
get
your
shoulders
5
forget
the back of your
neck
6
forget your thighs
touching mine
7
remember our smells
together
spicy
vibrant
8
remember the sound of our shoes
on the pavement
9
remember the river
10
remember the symphony of our laughter
11
oh look
back to 1's
again
well
at least
i know
where i am
we're god's babies.
tonight
i'm saying

god?

it's me again
with more pain.

god.

gives me a cup of chai
faces me
waits
he's coming over

he said he'll bring
the carbon monoxide

because he
hates people

waking up
Carbon monoxide is colourless, odorless, and tasteless, but highly toxic. -Wiki
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