what I'm trying to say is

trees grow for us to sit against
dandelions reach from the ground to say hello

look at me

there are songs that need you, ears and all
and signs begging to be seen
letters flow from my lips tangled and twisted
a growling in my gut lurches
urgent and unending

a pause, i skip ahead

i have new lust for life
new lust for myself
my fingers brush the fingers of god

there are few trepidations left in me
i quiver with each of my thoughts
i can't hold back
fear is temporary
fear is an illusion

we brush fingers again
i hope that one day they might entwine

i hope that one day
i can fathom the future

scratch that

i never hope anymore
i simply know
i see what the others cannot
i know truths they cannot

a low howl creeps from somewhere deep in my head

Raw agony fleshed out through medicant words, or so I’m hoping.

i am not one for making bets
but i bet your heart skipped too
when my soul recognized you

I see her hands when I close my eyes
long fingers and perfect, natural nails,
delicate veins.

I feel her feather-light grip on my back, as she holds me.
And she says
"My perfect girl"

She looks at me with her sky blues.
She smiles.
Goodbye, I love you.

I feel my chest constrict as panic settles in.
"Go home!" I gasp
"Go. Home." I beg
Eventually, she takes off.
My heart is still pounding against my stiff chest.
I breathe in.
10 seconds.
I breathe out.
10 seconds.
And repeat.
And repeat.
And repeat.

I sit in my basement.
And I watch others live their lives.
I'm not enough.
And my friends are worried.
And my family is worried.
It's happened, I'm sick again.

And then I go somewhere safe.
I feel better one day.
And better the next.
There's bad days too.
But I see tomorrow.