There's only room for one person in a bottle

You won't find anyone else there
You won't find your son
Your career
Your happiness
or success.

There's only room for one person in a bottle

You won't find brilliance
You won't find works of art
And you won't find peace of mind
more time, the future, or mend your broken heart

There's only room for one person in a bottle

You will not find who you are
or who you're meant to be
You won't find answers to the questions that you seek
and you won't find a best friend that you can keep

There's only room for one person in a bottle

You won't find a lover or passion
You won't make a name for yourself
You won't find peaceful rest
or imagination

There's only room for one person in a bottle

You won't find respect or love
You won't find money or guidance
You will only find loss, loneliness, numbness and regret
And you won't find me or what we could be
Because there's no room you see

There's only room for one person in a bottle....

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

Will I ever truly have you?
Will you ever let me be yours?
How can I compete with a past
that I wasn't even there for?
How do I help you forget
years of your life that's already spent?
I guess maybe it just hasn't been long enough yet
I read it in your poems
I hear it in you voice
I see it in your eyes
When you're feeling caught up in the fight
Do you long for her?
Do you dream of her as you sleep?
Is she the one thing to you
that I will never be?
Do you miss that life?
Do you miss your ex-wife?
If so where does that leave me?
Alone and playing a game I'll never
be able to beat
Why do you lie?
Why do you try so hard to hide?
It's like being caught up in a rip tide
and there's no breaking free
Are you going back someday?
Are you planning on leaving me lonely as can be?
Because I don't know if
I can be what you said you never really wanted
I can never be California or make a million dollars
And I can't be okay with competing with a dream
I don't condemn you for your past
I would never do that
So how can you do that to me?
How can you lecture me to get over it
When you haven't let go and placed your final bet
And I've already  laid all my cards out on the table
How do you spin me advice
and try to make me feel so unwise?
How dare you try and tell me how to live my life
When you are the one feeling so contrite
I've done as you have said
I've taken your friendly advice
and changed things in my mind
I've gotten over most of my pain
And in dealing with yours you are being feign
My heart is yours forever and always but
I won't keep playing Russian roulette
when every chamber in your gun is already loaded.

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

When you put me in front of everyone or anything
I will promise you love everlasting
But something will always feel like it's missing
When I give you the cold shoulder
And my mood swings drive you crazy
You will soon discover that I am not perfect
That my heart was aborted before it got to be reborn
I know my imperfections will harm you reflection when you look in the mirror of your own mind
But I'll ****** you so you will stay my knight in shining armor
And you will make me your bride
So it will be til death do us part
Playing poker only to find I'll be holding more than your heart
I'll be a reminder of what's behind you
No matter how your mind spins it there I'll be
We will fight to stay alive
But in the end our time will be spent trying to make amends
for things we could of done better
And I'll remain by your side
But only because there's no where left for me to hide
I'll give til there's nothing left
And you will take just like all the rest
I will suffocate you with my wants and needs
And in the end that's what will make you leave
I'll try and entice you to stay
But the intrigue won't be enough to keep you from walking away
You will crave my touch as you lie down at night
But you will feel so much spite
I'll become a mere illusion in your mind
I'll haunt your dreams until you unravel and bust at the seams
And the truth will come to you in waves of sheer perfection
And regret will be your first reaction
In the end we will end up perplexed and alone
We will be filled with bitterness, sadness, and hurt
Our souls will ache and starve
For our soulmate that is gone
With broken hearts we will barely survive
Our lust never slaked, alone
We will hunger and thirst for a love
That could never exist.

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

Wake up
Get dressed
Off to work
wanting to be making love to you instead
Out making money
Punching a clock
Put up with ******* until your day is done
Pick up the baby
Run to the store
Figure out what's for dinner
Now your day's almost done for
Cook and clean
Do the dishes that are ***** in the sink
Put in a load of laundry
Then finally we get to speak
"How was your day baby?"
"Mine was fine." I reply
Now it's late
Put on our pj's
hop into bed
But wait someone wants you to tuck them in
Exhausted now
Just want to sleep
Didn't get to make love to you again
It's been a week
We will try for that tomorrow
Tonight lets just sleep
Just dose off it seems
The alarm clock rings
Make breakfast
Get dressed
Off to work again
Drop off your kid at daycare
Same ole thing day after day
Caught up in a rat race that never seems to end
The same ole job
Same old dull routine
Why keep doing this to us?
Give it your all just to try and make ends meet
A two bedroom house for your family of three
The common things in life are what you have to do you see
I guess that's why most people's dreams don't ever come true
Why is life so cliche'
How does happiness ever get to exist
When so much gets in the way of this
What does it take for love to conquer all?
Is it rising every time you fall?
It's no wonder most relationships don't make it now days
Call me a hopeless romantic but I don't think it has to be that way
I may not know a lot about life
But I know one thing to be true
the everyday things in life won't ever change the way I feel
in my heart for you
and that my darling is a love that will remain nothing but true
I'll withstand the force of the blow and I will shelter you.
I won't let the common things take away the magic we discovered
in our first kiss
We are epic and our ending is set
the way the universe says it will be
So don't worry about the everyday common routines
because those don't define what love is
and that is you and me.

Every hard thing that happens to a soft heart
leaves a callus
Every mean thing a heart hears leaves a ringing echo
Every stone that's thrown leaves shattered pieces
Every beating leaves a bruise
Every hailstorm it endures leaves dents
Every wreck leaves a place in need of a fix
Every tear leaves a place to sew a new stitch
Every lie it's told leaves it with a doubt
Every scream leaves it a little more deaf
Every bite leaves it starving
(for kindness)
Every tear drop makes it sink a little deeper
Every drought leaves an unquenchable thirst
Every time a heart is left starving it turns into a glutton
(for punishment)
Every heart that gets cut is left with a deeper scar than before
Every time a heart is pierced by a dagger
it puts on a little more armor
When a heart is left to bleed it
learns to apply pressure
A heart that gets shot learns to become a gangster
Every stab slices, stings, and burns
Every hit leaves a gaping hole too big to ever fill
Every time a tender heart trusts a lie
It becomes timid and learns to fly
(away)
Whenever a sweet heart gets tainted
it becomes bitter
(sour even)
When a hopeful heart's dreams don't come true
it becomes jaded
When a loving heart witnesses hate
It becomes scared with terror
When a heart gets broken it
learns to heal
But becomes misunderstood
When a heart gets cornered it rolls over
or lashes out in defense
When a heart has been used it
stops being so giving
When a heart becomes wounded
It decides to lay down or stay in the fight
When a heart is shackled and tortured
it cries out in pain
When a heart is abandoned
it becomes self sufficient as it stands in the rain
A lonely heart becomes depressed
and learns to self medicate
When a heart becomes an addict
it learns to deal
When a heart is ravaged it
looses its passion
And when love is  lost within a  heart
It becomes just another body part
(that can't be fixed)

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

One in the morning
haven't slept most the night
feeling like a restless fool
wide awake but still so tired
Wanting to go to a happy frame of mind
a different space in time
I'm stuck in a realm of
unrelenting darkness
Feeling overwhelmed
and it's cold tonight
The frost glistens and sparkles
and I start to think of your eyes
and my smile
It's cold like my soul
The cherry in my cigarette glows
It burns so bright in the night
It's still tonight
like my heart
The wind blows and it rustles my mind
Thoughts start coming in waves
The world is asleep
but not me
I'm wide awake
trying to get these feelings out
before I explode
I light another cigarette
as I stand in the cold, alone
What am I trying to say?
Do I ever really know?
I need to talk to my best friend
need time to spend
Craving your intellect
and warm touch
I'm missing you so **** much
I need time with you
Need to talk all this through
Need to sleep next to you
The morning is starting to creep
dawn is breaking and I'm still lying awake
No problems solved
just questions still remaining
draining me
weighing so heavy on my tired mind
What am I going to do...?
Just keep trying to close my eyes...

Straight from the womb
You must have been marked
as a beast of some kind
And there's so many reasons
why I am not crazy for leaving
Just crazy for staying so long
It's amazing how I'm still breathing
and that I can feel anything at all
For all the pain you've caused me
You're the crazy one after all
There's no need for words
When my crying eyes have said it all
I've done my time
for the wrongs that I tried
but couldn't make right
So I'm not crazy for leaving
Just crazy for hanging on
You're so far gone
You've found your way back to the bottom somehow
And I'm moving on
Now you can't find your way out
I'm sure you thought it would be easy
But a love that is sent from above is the killing kind
So put your mind to rest and try to sleep it off
Watch me as I dance in your dreams
Time can't erase all the things you've seen
Crazy when she comes
And crazy as she goes but,
You're the one crazy after all...

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

Come to see him
when you have no right to
Come play daddy for a day
does that make you feel good?
Run and tell your friends
that you're a father
because you like the title
Put on a happy face and smile from ear to ear
Talk like you know him
for everyone to hear
Talk like you have always been there for him
Hold him as if he would recognize your touch
Watch him through your lieing glazed eyes
and hug him way too much
Kiss him and tell him how much you care
Tell him you love him before you disappear
Turn your back and walk away like he never meant a thing
Tell him your his daddy
when he don't even know your name
I see you swell with pride when you call him your's
when you play with him like you're the one he adores
You're the definition of fake
You're a lie and nothing more
and your son knows not who you are
So tell him that you miss him
And that you'll see him soon
Lie to him again and again
Make empty promises
that will never come true
Laugh at all the silly things you watch him do
Act like your something big
Like your doing something good
Does it make you feel like more of a man?
Does this feel good to you?
Hug me before you leave and tell me that you're sorry
Hold me like you really care and
Tell me you still love me
but don't dare look me in the eye
Because you know I'll be able to see nothing but true lies
You're a drug addict
A lowlife in it's truest form
So go back to your shameful life with your *****
light it up and take another hit
Let it burn and try to let yourself forget
Wallow in your self pity
and hang your head real low
Cry until you drown yourself because
You won't see us anymore
The damage you have done can never be erased
So live with the few memories you have of him
that are burnt inside your head
then close your eyes and sleep with your pride and regret
You have made this bed and in it you will have to lye
Waste yourself away to nothing
as you slowly dissipate
You are nothing to him
and you're nothing to me
so overdose on us as you take your final hit!

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

I am a contortionist
I twist and turn to become what you want
I am a puppet
On a string
I dance to your music
A caged bird
who sings on command
A show girl
that performs for you nightly
Think maybe i'm jaded slightly
I'm a porcelain doll
who sits upon your shelf of life
collecting dust and if you were to take me down to play
I may just break
I'm starting to crack under all this pressure
I'm liked a buried treasure
that everyone seeks but never finds
But if someone did I would surely shine

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

Am I sick?
I think I need some help or a swift kick in the *** perhaps
Maybe I need meds
Maybe I need to be committed
Perhaps i'm just depleted
I'm damaged
I'm broken
I've been used, abused, and so misunderstood
I'm stupid
Such a dumb girl
With such a broken soul
No tears to cry or place to call my own
I am alone or at least that's how I feel
No one gets it or cares to even try
So why do I?
I am dead
My insides are black and rotten
My heart is like stone
My spirit does not shine
There is no light in my eyes
No spark in my soul
Just a dark lonely hole
I am empty, hollow
so tired am I
I'm weary and cannot find rest
I am heavy like the heart in my chest
I am a nothing, a nobody
going no where in this place called life
A failure
A good for nothing mom
I have no patience
I have no time
No purpose or cause
Nothing I believe in
Nothing I strive for more than to escape
I want out of this hell I've made for me
Cold
Bitter and made of stone
I have nothing more to give
My bones feel so brittle as if one big squeeze
would cause them to disintegrate into ashes
Every angry, cruel word spoken cuts me a little deeper
Promises made and words not kept
have made me so numb to anything anyone could ever say
No dreams for me anymore
Nothing to hope for
My blood sometimes boils with anger
I get hot all over
So much pent up aggression inside me
If I were to ball up my fist and punch something it would explode
Glum is a good word to describe how I feel
Tattered and torn
Why was I ever born?
What is my lot in this life?
What purpose am I to serve
Wasted days
Wasted nights
******* feelings
Stupid *** pride
I have nothing
I am nothing
If I could find a dark hole I could just crawl into
I would stay there forever and die there too
Why are people so bad to each other?
Why do we hurt each other so?
I'm tired of feeling confused
Unable to make decisions
Sick of the consequences
Tired of being walked on
Sick and tired of being lied too
So exhausted from being confused
I don't know what everyone wants
or what I want too
Trying to please everyone is getting so old
Always put myself last
Yet you call me selfish
what *******
how asinine
What am I suppose to do?
How am I suppose to feel?
What does everyone want from me?
I'm stretched so thin
I'm about to unravel
I'm always riding the fence
Get drunk and cut is about to be my only option
Run away and never look back
Leave everything I've ever known
I'm so unsure all the time
It's almost as if I'm paranoid
Always watching my back
scared all the time
When will this all go away?
I don't know how much more I can take
I'm about to burst into a million pieces
My chest is tight
My lungs about to explode
It's like I'm always trying to escape myself
It's like I'm drowning
I want out of my mind
I don't want to think
The more I do the faster I sink
I want to scream and let it all out
I want to have faith and never doubt
Will someone please save me,
I'm begging you to!
Don't let me slip back into this dark abyss
I don't want to feel like this anymore
Please won't somebody rescue me?!
Please save me from myself!
Don't let me die like this

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

Anger, bitterness, sadness, and regret
What strong emotions these are to be felt.
What horrible things for someone to feel.
Makes me picture the colors blue and black
Makes me think of bruises and tears.
Loss, lonliness, confusion and hurt.
I want to just make them all go away
I want to make your heart stop bleeding
I want to stop your mind from aching
I want to dry your falling tears and make the world a better place for you to be in.
Lies, deceit, pain, and termoil
These make up the world now days
Everyone hurts everyone without a second thought
No one cares they are evil and selfish.
Sin, loss, darkness, and sorrow
What sad things
What lonely things
What frightening and dark things
How do I go on living with these
How do I not perish into the night.
Money, ***, *****, and drugs
Thats what you do to cope
That's what you long for
It's an unquenchable thirst that can't be slaked
Alternates the way you think.
Abuse, neglect, hurtful words, and agony
The yelling and screaming
The hitting and beating
I know these aches
I have felt these things.
I detest them so much
What agonizing pains.
Stupidity, hatred, carelessness, and shame.
What things to feel
What heavy burdens to bear
What thoughtless things
What hurtful things
How does one live with these things
What a better place this world may be without all these things in it
They will eat you alive and swallow you whole
Make you black and cold
Bitter and scaved
I know about all these things
I have felt all these things....
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

Doin' a little drinkin' tonight
Doin' a little thinkin' tonight
Smokin' a cig as I sit here and dig inside my head for thoughts of positivity.
Doin' a little soul searchin' tonight
Doin' a little liein' to myself tonight
Tippin' a bottle up and feelin' it burn all the way down to my core.
Doin' a little hurtin' tonight
Doin' a little cryin' tonight
Enhaling smoke and ingesting nicotine with each drag I take.
Fightin' a little battle tonight
Screamin' inside my head tonight
My body is weary my soul distressed and tore.
Doin' a little forgettin' tonight
Doin' a little rememberin' tonight
With each sip I take it feels like such a contradiction of my feelings.
Feelin' a little lost tonight
Feelin' a little tipsy tonight
With each enhale and exhale the more confused I get.
Feelin' a little uncertain tonight
Feelin' a little bitter tonight
How much more of this can I take?
Holdin' on tonight for dear life
Lettin' go tonight for heaven's sake
Every beat of my heart proves I still must endure this life and these feelings.
Wantin' to talk to you tonight
Wantin' to hold you tight tonight
When I feel the cool night breeze on my cheek I snap out of thoughts and back to reality.
Wantin' to run away tonight
Wantin' to stand still tonight
Every star I count is just a wish that won't come true.
Bein' alone tonight
Bein' sad tonight
So I'm gonna try and drink all these thoughts, feelings, and frustrations away tonight.


Author Notes
this is a typical night for me lately....
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

What is it I am doing?
Sitting up thinking when I should be sleeping
Resting my tired and weary mind,
But instead I'm realing.
Why am I drinking?
Sipping on ***** and tea
When I should be resting and at ease,
When I sould be in bed asleep.
Why am I smoking?
Cigarette after cigarette til I dont even want one more
Nicotine is only going to keep me up
When I should b laying down.
Why am I torturing myself?
Going back in forth in my head
Fighting back the tears and wrestling the fears.
When I should be tucking myself in for the night.
Why am I shaking?
Wanting to scream out into the night
I feel as black as the sky inside and I'm crying
When I should be dreaming.
Why am I not just sleeping...?


© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

I feel us slipping
and I can't seem to keep a grip
It's like you're sliding
right through my fingertips
I can still touch you
and feel your warm flesh
But something about us just doesn't mesh
Our connection is becoming a little hazy
I think you're getting a little lazy
We are losing touch
and I miss you so much
I can feel myself falling through the cracks
of my own broken heart
Inch by inch we are losing each other to the dark
I think the bad is starting to out weigh the good
and I'm starting to see nothing where we once stood
Shadows are filling up inside my lonely heart
and I'm trying to find a little spark
A spark of hope, of light, or a fire
to reignite my once strong desire
I can see the sun breaking in your eyes
It's a new day I see it on the rise
and I'm trying to see the good in life
but good things in life are hard to find
This love is killing me
and all I want to know is if I can survive
I should just let you go
But I don't really want too
at least not right now
I know I'm just dragging this out
Because it's inevitable
so why all the doubt?
I just want to know what giving you up
is going to take
Maybe I shouldn't it's easier to just act fake
I've let myself get too far in
How did I let myself get here again?
It's cool, I am strong
But what about my pitiful heart?
You have dreams to chase
and I have a son to raise
you're just a boy and I'm just a girl
we just need to let things unfurl
I've taken all I can take and I can't let this break me down
But it still feels like a part of me is dead and in the ground
I wish our fairytale ending would of came true
but it's time to face the facts...I think it's over.....
and we are through...

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

You try and tear me down
but your words don't even matter
All they are is a bunch of jibber jabber
We are the ones who you discarded
That's okay because within me is where this all started
You treat me like I'm dirt
when I'm the one who gave birth
I brought into the world a little human being
all you did was shoot a little ***** up inside of me
I'm making all the sacrifices and
You ain't giving up ****
I have no freedom
You still come and go as you please
I go to work
I make ends meet
I have no life except for the one that we made
You gave that up and I'm the one who stayed
So you want to try and run me down?!
To you I will never bow!
I'm still lying in the bed that we made together  
And I'll be cleaning up the mess from here on after
I've done it all
Our son is okay
And it's all thanks to me
You have no part in this little boys life
Your only purpose is to try and cause pain and strife
You're missing out
I'm here for it all
I get the ****** diapers and pick him up when he falls
I get his first smile and the light in his eyes
all you get is severed ties
I get the bumps and bruises
the giggles and sighs
While you're out getting on your high
I see the adoration and love in his eyes
I'm here wiping away all the tears when he cries
I get his affection and kisses too
And you're getting what's been coming to you
So  you want to issue idle threats
and talk a big game
I know it's all ******* you never follow through
with anything that you say
You think being a parent is a convenience
well maybe you should get a clue
Everything that's being done is all because of you
So go ahead and blame everyone you see
because it's nobodies fault but your very own
that you're not the man you outta be
You think you're angry
well how do you think I feel
I'm the one here on a daily basis having to deal
My life is harder than it ever should of been
I don't even know if I can ever love again
These emotions that within me dwell
are like a broken bone they ache and swell
You think you're a father
Honey, you don't know a thing
You're just a baby daddy
Who doesn't have a name.

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

I just want to talk to you
and hear your voice speak
I just want to be with you
and lay in your arms so deep
I  want to scream
I  want to cut
I  just want to stop
wanting you so much
I don't want to miss you
I don't want to care
I don't want to keep reliving your stare
I don't want to see you
Or wonder where you are
I didn't want things to go this far
I don't want to worry
Or try to keep you near
I don't want to love you
But inevitably I do
I don't want my heart to break
But it's breaking over you
I didn't ask for this
Or even really try
I didn't need a man
Or a new start
I just wanted to be miserable
and left alone here in the dark

I wanted to not fall into
what I have so many times before
Why can't I just hate you
as I do all your kind
Why do I want to run to you
when there's a chance I'll be left behind?
What's this spell you have put me under?
with your captivating charms?
Why do I dream of you and long to be where you are?
Why am I so stupid?
Why am I so blind?
You're only going to hurt me....
It's just a matter of time.

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

I miss you tonight

the same way I did last night

Your voice

Your laugh

The jokes we tell

I just miss you

and I can't help but wonder... Do you miss me too?

I had a long day

And I don't even know if yours was ok

I don't know why you haven't called me at work

I go out of my way to be with you

and sometimes it feels I don't get the same in return

I'm kind of upset right now

I know I shouldn't be

I was just hoping you would come stay the night with me

I didn't want to get to this point

The point of no return

But obviously I have so now I don't want to get burned

Little things hurt me

And I'm sure you don't understand

Just like I don't get what it's like to be a man

I try to see things from your point of view

Why don't you do the same for me too?

I don't like to be disappointed with the things that you do

I don't like being down and confused

I just want to talk, I want to talk to you

But sometimes I don't know how

So I lock it all up and don't make a sound

I've tried to be numb

and not feel a thing

I try to ignore all the little things that sting

Sometimes I guess my emotions just take over

I don't try to rag on you

Or make you feel bad

I just don't always know how to make you understand

I don't know how to be ok with certain things

I just want you here not in my dreams

Maybe I'm selfish and don't want to share

I don't want to lose you

But scared to death I will

I don't really know what I'm trying to say

I probably won't even send this

So it don't matter anyway....

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

What's this aching in my bones
this pounding in my brain
this voice whispering in my ear
this awful burden I bare with so much strain
What's this torture in my soul
this burning in my veins
this relenting loneliness and pain
this confusion in my head
What's this trembling in my body
this vulnerability on my lips
this desperation I can't come to grips
these shaking hands and weak *** knees
What's this feeling inside of me
this hole I can't fill
this darkness I cannot peel
my mind is racing and my heart is too
this feels like depression that I am slipping into
What's this bitterness I feel towards men
how do I overcome this deli-ma I am in
how do i open up  and let my feelings show
how am I suppose to love  again with this heart that is not whole
What's this anger dwelling deep in me
how do I rid myself of this disease
what will it take to put the past behind
what must I do to just let you go this time
What's this sinking feeling deep in my gut
this burning sensation like being freshly cut
why must I continually gasp to breathe  
because of this tsunami wave crashing down upon me?!

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden