I lost cuntrol when I was nine years old.
Mother took my hand off my crotch yet left my brother to the confinement of his ****;
Girls good, boys bad, and oh no sweetheart your beauty is your only power.
And I’d blush; not in the way she’d hoped through the sweep of a brush but rather when my teacher left her hand lingering on my back as she bent over to tick the formula of the female form and cross out what the chimes of the church commanded.
I looked at the curve of the x she used to mark the spot and sighed.

Teach me. Teach me your ways so I can breathe in the sweet blossom of your hair as I rest in the bossom of your heart, its smells like lavender. Lavender.
Lavender sweet dreams honey and I will see you there tonight.

It was then I began my perpetual low earth orbit from dream to dream and departed from what mother said that day when I asked the question that makes mothers quake as they smooth out the creases in their dresses and tuck their unravelled hair behind bitten ears.
Making love. We made love only to make you, darling.
Mother smiled sweetly and turned her back on me as her mind traced back to that morning when she made mad passionate love with the milkman when daddy wasn’t looking. I am still waiting for my little sister.

If practice makes me perfect then meet man, mother.
I used his rocket to launch myself into space where I spelt her name out in the stars and jumped over the moon to Venus. I felt the warmth from her skin like the sun that keeps me alive. Alive. Alive.
Warm me, darling, just with the nestle in my vessel in my veins in my sugar coated spaceship.
We found sticks and made smores and we floated together, with my hand tracing your V in that three-dimensional galaxy between your legs we fell in love. No void existed between our celestial bodies as gravity pulled me into your arms.

He came as I came back from space thinking of nothing but the soft shape of her hips and the trail of her spine that led me back to earth.
There’s man with his grey socks still on his feet, dark matter on the sheets and a wrapper on the floor.
******* I thought, but in the sky…
That night my mother asked me why I am smiling.
I said I have become an astronaut in orbit with a woman who I love in space.
She cried shes lost it.
I smiled, nodded yes, I've lost it to her.

I lost cuntrol when the earth, heavens and waters fell in love and sailed and soured as we danced on the tree tops of your garden, with waves crashing beneath us leaving salt shimmering particles like diamonds on your feet.
You were my alphabet soup that filled me with too many words, the thrill of the prize at the bottom of the cereal packet and the noble intentions of stopping the Titanic from sinking with the touch of button.
We had love at first sight like David and Jonathen, Ruth and Naomi who boarded the ark as my back arched in passionate throws below deck, as Noa held Emzaras hand smiling.
Adding a letter to her name on Transgender Tuesdays was just an afterthought.
Opening her drawers to pack up her boxers and bind her ******* Noa smiled as the clock cocked Tuesday.
She entered her escapism; what the Bible calls a natural disaster, I just call natural.

I lost cuntrol when I re-arranged the stars like pick and mix, so I could always find my way back to you. When you said I love you I wondered whether I’d had too many dolly mixtures and where jelly babies came from.
Sugar rimmed your lips like salt on a martini and left me drunk with desire as I licked around your edges. You slipped a haribo ring on my finger and I gave you my loveheart.

I lost cuntrol one day when my lover Alice said eat me. She showed me Dinah who hide beneath her skirt and I followed curiously.
I didn’t ask her to say please but that’s another story.

After her lesson I was told the Sputnik satellite was man-made and I laughed.
Oh no, women have been launching rockets with complete cuntrol between their legs for years, leaving the earths atmosphere and dreaming of everything else but ***** ****’s ****.
During countdown they think of shopping lists, whether they’ve burnt off enough calories for wine with their girlfriends, and sometimes, sometimes, of her.
Do good girls go gay?
In space, my mother said, in space.

I could never tell you.

I’ll look at you

and wonder

and think

and dive so far

into the brown of your eyes

a surface no longer exists -

but I’ll stay quiet.

I can’t let you see.

We’re all

far too damaged

to let each other see.

I keep clasping

your hand

like I’m not afraid.

Intertwining my fingers

around you

even though

fear of ripped out pieces

staggers

my breath.

I curl to the irony

of never feeling

so safe

and so endangered

at once,

and all I want is

courage to say…

to say…

The uncomfortable smile
that you wear on your face
Your self confessed klutzness
and perceived lack of grace

The things that you say
and the things that you do
are just some of the things
I like about you

Like the stillest of waters
you run so deep
and the words that you share
are the treasures I'll keep

You're honest and modest
and fragile yet strong
and yet so uncertain
of where you belong

Let go of your past
leave your baggage behind
and trust in your heart
and just see what you find

You may be surprised
at how good things can be
If you let yourself go
let yourself become free

I bite my lip and prepare to jump,
In my literary suicide.
I've got my diary scrawled over my heart,
And I've got nothing left to hide.

I'm an addict for your love,
But you don't exist.
We live in a world,
Of spelling errors and misprints.

So take your pen,
And sign your name on my soul.
Give me one last kiss,
Please, just to make me whole.

Tie the knot,
And kick the chair from under me.
This poem is all about,
Me just trying to let you be.

Is it so early,
That you can't utter hello?
No more aspirations,
Of Heaven above, Or Hell below?

Too much time has passed,
Since we last spoke.
Your voice was my melody,
Your words, the song we wrote.

I suppose you couldn't listen,
To my dying benediction.
You're the needle in my arm,
The ****** to my addiction.

But ****, I can't sleep with you gone,
Something akin to a clear head.
And I hate every second,
When it's 3 a.m. and I'm lying in bed.

****, I guess it's over,
We're all said and done.
And I feel like I've lost,
While you say that you won.

Well the night can't get much darker,
It's an hour before the dawn.
I can't stop thinking about you,
Now that you're so long gone.

A thousand miles between us,
I wish I could just drive.
But you wouldn't have me on your doorstep,
And I don't think I can see you alive.

It's a quarter to the dawn,
My cigarette is gone.
And I can't believe the melodies,
While they play our favorite song.

And I guess this night can't get darker,
When dawn never comes.
I guess I'll have to forget you,
And what you've become.

What ever happened,
To the games we used to play?
Hide my heart,
It's beating for you anyway.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
Can you fix my soul,
So covered in rust?

We used to talk for hours,
I'd dream of what we'd be.
But now it seems it's always,
Just my endless soliloquy.

It's over,
Your love is gone.
And I cannot remember,
What we did wrong.

Like waves on open shores,
You beat against me.
And I promised you the sort of thing,
That I knew could never be.

I promised you the world,
And you took mine.
Now I know that I will never,
Have you in time.