I’m an outsider
I come from the hot tropical zone where I was written into existence by the restless hands of a misunderstood writer.
I have one main fault that’s been keeping me far from Paradise
Far from You
and it’s high time I started listening out for directions from You.

Let me taste Your rivers, Paradise
Let me wash my hands in the glimmer of Your eyes
Cleanse me from my past
And nowness that I despise
so that I can turn into an inhabitant of Yours, a native, a real one
and I can be happy with my life beside You, regardless of everything.

Let me breathe in Your air, Paradise
The land where I come from is polluted and I couldn’t breathe there.
It was toxic air,
fires running inland.
In and out of my lungs in an endless cycle of detriment.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
It’s taken much from me and I come empty-handed with my eyes pointed downcast as I stand in front of You.
I’m so small compared to You, but I need You in every way, please be mine, please let me be Yours.
I beg You to let me enter Your gardens that thrive lush all the time - I beg You to let me grow.
Let me sink into Your fertile earth
for a minute to free my mind
and to learn the taste of heaven.
Plant my roots in Your soil and build a perfect life.
You’re like water and my lips are dry,
can I be an inhabitant of Yours?

I have nowhere else to go if I’m once again exiled
We both know it
And we both know there’s no highlighted path leading to Your gates, as to not let newcomers bang on Your iron fence;
You have to go through hell to see heaven and to pass.

Los Angeles?
on fire

New York?
crowded

I don’t know where to go, but I know for a fact that I can’t stay here - it’s not where I should be.
I feel a million eerie eyes following me and there’s no privacy:
Cameras fixed into park trees
Chemicals flying through my nostrils
and the government is trying to Frankenstein me by propaganda
but I don’t buy it - I’d be stupid if I did.

Which way should I head?
Which corner should I hide in?
Which hotline should I dial other than the hotline for unfulfilled dreamers stuck in a daydream?
If there was such thing, I’d be a full-time caller even though I have quite much, now that I think of it:
  I have a home!
  I have the best lover in the world!
But I’m missing something resting in the back of my head, that I can’t make out, as if through a fog.
It’s like hell down here sometimes, when the summer is at peak
when the sun reaches its zenith, climbing like a vine
       on olive trees

Let me daydream underneath Your freely swaying palm trees that have been growing here decades before me
Let me have one more thing in common with them other than standing there aimlessly and succumbing to the sun.
I’m asking for You - just You, Paradise.
Can I rent a single room in the back of Your grand vicinity and walk quietly to the bar at night by the pond with the lily pads?
No alcohol drinks - I abstain - no loud parties - none of that.
Only bedtime stories with the dim light of the tall lamp by my unmade bed, and the large window opened wide, so I can delightfully breathe You in from my nose to my heart.
Can I plant a few more roses where Your gardens lack pure life?

I don’t want to feel like a burden to You,
and that I’m undeserving, I’m aware, but consider my request, I beg.
Let me be a part of You
tomorrow or later, or never if You wish, I’ll understand that too.
But if You open Your iron gates for me
I’ll walk in and I promise I will blend in
  plant a rose or two
    water your roots
      I hope You understand.

          Forever Yours

one year later we returned to the beach where we stayed for the summer
the breeze felt familiar and those wooden steps made the same sound when i walked down them
they were now part of my life
i booked the same hotel room since i love returning to the good things in my past
just like i keep returning to u my love
but u live rent free in my mind
fragile is my heart when the closest stars align
a year after u and i’ve now less reasons to cry
hardened is my art
i reverted to blonde
mi amor
baltimore...

am i old enough to leave home?
i’m a snowflake in march, i’m not ready to go
i’m soft like a rosebud
my tastebuds crave salt of the sea
one year from now things may look different
u might not be as integral to me
i might run like a flower into land where i’d be
something u’ve never allowed me

will i hold onto my letters?
will i ever forget what we had?
i should’ve known better than to hope all the letters i sent from overseas
would someday become
my national anthem

once upon a dream i stayed at a beach apartment complex
i went in sore and tender
i was coiled like a snake or a salamander in fresh linen
w white angel wings that never got me anywhere
like a faulty angel
but on that day in particular
it was hotter than ever

is there any affliction the sea water can’t cure
i have a headache from the sun
i feel hot standing next to u
i feel hotter lying in bed w u
i squint my eyes and submerge in the mesmerizing blue
like fluid glitter luring me closer as a siren
Odysseus finding his home in nowhere
i go in w u
bb u saved my life

i’m carefree but i think of everyone devoured by their own sea of mind
i contemplate all the time
and i wish i could’ve told u that i love u sooner

Esther, don’t chase rocks beckoning u from deep waters or u’ll hit rock bottom
Esther, i love u, u matter
u can’t just give in to the noir waves of the ocean as it won’t make anyone gladder

Susan, i’ll never forget u
i’m beyond grateful but i had to go on
people gossiped i was crazy for clinging to my own truth and i don’t regret it
if they don’t get it they can *******
i lost my zone of comfort in the name of love and i’m proud
i shouted out what had to be said and i never thought of letting go of ur hand
and i hardly ever shout
nobody gets to write ur story or change ur beautiful mind
i’m beyond happy i got to be the one to tell u this
bb i saved ur life

i can’t keep my eyes neither hands off of u
hold u tightly like i held Benjamin in summer of 2018 and spring of 2020
breathing in aloe vera in a sanctuary
a hundred dollar face tattooed on me
highlighting my worth that i can’t always see
don’t go
i won’t let go of u
promise u won’t let go of urself or of me or i’ll fall
and there won’t be anyone to catch me anymore

i can’t do it without u
won’t go for a swim without u
i’m afraid i may not find my way back if i go or ever find u

once upon real life i stayed at a beach apartment complex
i went out pure and happy
it was a beautiful dreaming session
like an ideal tropical vacation, honeymooning forever
every night felt like a sojourn in paradise
i was swimming in pearl white linen but it felt like i was swimming in a sea
i was hugging my pillow but it felt like i was holding the most beautiful person i’ve seen

when i took ur hand for the first time
i knew exactly what i was signing for
i sensed something warm
like the approaching summer of things i had yet to discover
i felt like i was flying miles above land
might’ve been due to the thousands of butterflies in my stomach
that u planted in me
lifting me like a spinning propeller
might’ve been a hallucination but i was sober
or an innocent dream that came true
i knew right away i was destined to meet u

i see u for who u are
not for what u’re not

loving u is hard but nothing good in life comes for free
i learned it the hard way
and without hesitation- i can say u’re the best thing that happened to me
i don’t know where i’d be if it wasn’t for u

i love u
tears rest on ur lashes like dew
u’re so ******* beautiful
a true work of art
everywhere i go i feel u
but i guess i’m the only one that perceives u in that way

because u have flaws
and the ideal paintings or sculptures don’t
but they’re not actual flaws to me- i loved them since day one
i kept them by my heart
and i’ll keep on loving them because i love all of u- not just the ideal parts

i want to welcome each new day by ur side
i want to say goodbyes to them each night
it’s like i dreamed it
and i manifested it
u brought color into my life
and it’s not fading to my great surprise

as i said- i knew exactly what i was signing for
it was like a sailor’s first sail on a boat in a vast gulf never known before
the sea might’ve been cold or might’ve been warm
the wind could’ve been howling or could’ve been gone
the sailor knew that thus he knew what he was signing for
his love for chasing the horizon overshadowed its flaws
he handled the waters at their best and their worst
and he found his way
to wonderland

i promised i’d cater this love at all times
that i’d stay with u in the dark paradise
and when the love of my life tried to take their own life
it traumatized me to this point that i couldn’t talk about it
so let’s not talk about it

let’s focus on the positives
the amazing things u do to me
u made me believe that i can achieve great things or be who i want to be
that my future is how i write it
and that no one can steal that pen from me
so when i doubt myself in my darkest times
in the dark paradise
to my dreams’ demise
i remember what u told me
i spread my wings wide and fly for u only

i hated love
everyone i fell for turned their back on me and i ended up alone
but when i glanced at ur eyes for the first time ever
i knew this was what i’m signing for
and if u’re not my once in a lifetime
i don’t wanna love anymore

i know how it feels like to be a sagittarius
and i know what u mean when u think u have the whole world against u
almost like i had a facility for reading misjudged minds
i was born on the 13th of december with the silver moon attached to the starry sky
sliding across it like a turtle on a beach off to begin its new life
and i can’t show my entire thankfulness the way i desire to express it-
u’ve always been the north star guiding me where to head in doubt
as i fought my auto-destructive mental malaise with my head up in dull clouds
i sense the feelings in ur words
how their warmth illuminates
i know how u feel and i feel the exact same

and i know u ache for our generation every single day
u just wish things would go differently
u just miss the goodness that never commonly existed
and i couldn’t be more proud of u
i may not be a perfect human being but that doesn’t disqualify me from saying u are
and when i dream of u it feels like i’ve never loved before
the way i adore u
cause u know- i’ve always had taste for people who dress fancy or look attractive
but now that my sweetest feelings have been revived upon the sunrise
i feel like i’m in love for the first time
u are more than a lover to me-
u are the droplet to my needy rosebud
sunshine to my sequoia
riverbed to my missisipi
or just the foundation of the better world u want to construct
and if u could i’m sure u would
i believe in ur pure intentions and balance on their authenticity
ur words are more charming than classic poems to me
and i can listen to them like songs throughout rainy nights
because u own a good heart
that mine is chained to with a chain made of daisies as if it was spring
and even though i’m emotionally far past that line- or a life stage- who knows
we can pretend that it’s spring

i know what it feels like to be a sagittarius
i’ve always walked left when others turned right
i stared at the pond by the main road after the day was over
i stayed home after dark
i kept asking family how it feels to be in love-
so i said to myself no more loneliness or pondering my sadness
whether it’s summer or freezing cold
and when i get lonely i pray that i may lie down with u and watch the sunset
atop the roof in a peaceful riviera in a happy mindset
no past to define me- just words to descry the sense in staying strong
that’s what makes us perfect people
love u all day all night long

i couldn’t sleep last night
i was wilting in the soft moonlight
insomnia leave, insomnia let go
i lay face up counting blazing stars that perish by the dawn
uneasy, the bed is uneven, my pillow is too high
the summer is an oven
i’m in love now
why can’t a beautiful thing be eternal?

why does every perfect thing i touch collapse when i need it most?
why is my life beginning to whirl when i have enough?
enough asking
enough having to look for answers
digging in the earth to find my reasons
my life stole my sunny days from me and i got to keep the nights
and of course i have u my love on top of everyone
thank u for being here always
no matter what

we lied in the sun
but when the world went to dark
we lied in the moon
and the next sunrise was beautiful

through the roof window i watch the painted moon from bed, from ur arms
centerpiece to the pastel sky
two shades of our yin yang that collide like a celestial arc
like fireworks on the 4th of july but far more fantastical
perfect night
perfect time
alone in the house in the dreaming neighborhood
feels like i’ve been given a chance at life as i’m lying next to u-
two lovers in the dark under the painted moon
i’m happy
u have done it

if every night could be like this
insomnia stay, insomnia last
if i can’t enjoy my days i’m gonna marry the night
and love u through the dark

i felt like a fifties movie character the moment i passed the threshold
of my room in the seaside motel
room number ‘i don’t remember’
i dreamed of sleep and sweet tea and bath salts to erase my tenderness
don’t give me a reason to stay but a reason why i would return if i ever leave

there’s things u need to know about me
i’m not the type to bathe in red rose petals and sip wine in a jacuzzi
i won’t bend my knees in a black suit and patent leather shoes and recite poetry
and most importantly- i’m not that weak to call for sympathy
but if u hold me i won’t protest
i won’t raise my voice if u love me
i won’t be hard anymore if u hold me
and i might love u more than anything else if u only love me back
and convince me to stay in this
forever

u can touch me anywhere
i want u to touch me everywhere
i’m restless and under the weather
put on a show for me to make my night better
hide ur hands in the holes of my sweater
and i’ll take u straight to heaven
******* is an art
intense never plain
u swipe the moon away so it becomes day
when u kiss me it feels like lemonade
on a beach party rocking strawberry lingerie
so unholy and i arch like golden gate
and u pass through me like a lightning bolt or a chevrolet
passing the speed limit
in the rearview u see blurring stars
until we find ourselves bathing in the crystalline streams of eden-
baby i’m so happy that i have u
and in hindsight i see no blue
i’m a soft inhabitant of heaven
and we left paradise long ago
but i find my life better than ever
now i love u more than anything else in this world