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Sexually there was a roughness
You would stuff it into me
Without any softness or gentleness for yourself

Except paradoxically there was a softness
You were soft
You struggled to get fully hard

Oh the irony
How the body will create its own balance

Now that's changed
You have no problem getting hard

My softness opened you up
To sensuality, to eroticism, to life?

I can feel your desire for me
Your need for me

You let me get on top of you now
Often
You didn't used to

Now we silently negotiate
I surrender to you
And you surrender to me

Trusting me, allowing me to wrap you in my softness
You are crying out for my gentleness

You won't admit it but it is the antidote to your push push mentality

You look at me - really seeing me

*** is the place where our need for one another over flows
It's the place we are truly allowed to need each other

I need you. **** I need you
Your absence rips at my heart
How to explain
How to find the words to bring the inner confusion and unspoken thoughts out
There’s a place I can do it
A place I can speak the unspeakable
Don’t panic, noisy head, confused heart, little girl, strong woman
Don’t worry, try to trust, try to keep the beauty in your heart
You don’t have to understand it all, or any of it
Be gentle, try and be gentle
Give into being listened to, ask the little girl questions
She wants to be heard, she wants to be understood, she wants to be encouraged
To be found beautiful, to feel special and to feel loved
Jealous thoughts and feelings hurt, they hurt
Accept them, feel them, allow them to pass
Say f*ck it and don’t worry.
Fear of ending up with the wrong person...
I want health in my life, I want comfort, I want a home
I want connection
I want to be confident, I want to be compassionate, I want to be kind
I want to be honest, I want to do what I say I will
I want to have integrity, I want to be peaceful within myself
I want to recycle
I want to be engaged in the world
To accept myself and feel enough
To be grown up enough, and to have enough self-respect to behave well
To think positive thoughts about myself and others
To have a family
To belong.
Slip in, slip under
Under the veil of sense, under the veil of logic
Between realities, between what you, what I know
In between there, is where the work must be done
In the place where logic and words and sense make no sense
In the place where truth, beauty, pain and fear reside
Inside of you – inside of me
Where the hurt lies, where the scars are
The pushed downess, possibly from, definitely from the generations before
The male lineage
My dad, his dad, his dad’s dad, and so on…
They were fighters, so the story goes
The Watsons were renowned for fighting, for drinking
My dad followed and didn’t follow suit
He loved me, loved me so much
Loved me the best he could at the time.
How our daddy’s saw us and loved us effect how we feel seen by men.
Slip under the self-conscious, slip under
Raise the possibility that I could
That I could open up to life
That the harsh harsh critic could quieten and be replaced
Be replaced by connection to heart, to self, to other, to nature
The possibility that I can trust the unknown
That I could move from my heart and trust that movement.
Daddy’s first born
Why so silent daddy?
Better try and be interesting to get heard
Look pretty to be seen
Did you hear me daddy
Did you see me?
I've seen the way
Your eyes glaze
                  twinge
                  sparkle
      ov­er her presence
And I become
invisible

All I want
      is to be her
.
<>
Shady summer pond
Dragonflies hover in air
Welcoming the day
<>




© Pagan Paul (2016/2017)
.
I notice the group of homeless people I see every morning
However this morning they are fully involved in some sort of drama
I notice how one man puts his arm around the other man
I notice the humanness, the support, the love and care

I notice the woman with the **** on her back
It pushes her fully forward so she can't see the sky
I notice her and her husband walking along by the sea
I notice how he is holding her hand
The sight fills my eyes with tears
I hope they go and drink a coffee and share a slice of carrot cake
I hope he kisses her cheek and tells her he loves her
I imagine a blanket of love enveloping them both

I notice the woman with the gold sandals and bunch of floweres sticking out her bag
I notice her dishevelled hair and clothes
I sense her aloness
Her sandals and floweres make me smile
I hope they make her smile too

The moments of beauty
The human need for love, beauty and support
These moments are all around
Within the sadness and dark realities
They are there
The magic is there
I saw these three things on my run this morning....❤
 Oct 2017 Anthony Perry
Weronika
I craved it
every time I saw you
I imagined your body pressed to mine
but it was all just an illusion
a piece of art
created by my vivid imagination
then I remembered you did not care
you were just a statue
standing in the mud
and the rain
pale face with an odd smirk
I could not help it
I fell hard for that Cheshire cat's smile
but underneath it
there was sadness
constant despair
melancholy of words
said to the wind
that did not listen
and there was this coldness
in your limbs
no heat or passion
when next to the loved one
no feelings
no emotions
nothing
like a stone
cold to the core
 Oct 2017 Anthony Perry
ab
please, my love.
i can see the tension from behind
the screen and it's not towards
me but it's coming from you
because of the way her words
freeze into daggers

please, don't let her touch you.
she will only drive you further
into the depths of your mind where
the sun cannot find you and
i'm not sure if you'll ever come back

please, let me help you.
there isn't much i can do but when
i see the letters change from small to
large i can tell that's what your thoughts
are doing too and it scares me

please, force her to see you.
you are your own person with your own
thoughts and dreams and she is trying
to take that away from you so she can
keep it to herself as if you were a doll
or the answer to her problems

please, we are all concerned about you
i know it's getting worse and i know
your pride is too strong but when
the sky falls even superman would need
some help from his friends

she does not own you.
she wants to use you for herself
and even if you tell her no she
will cry and beg and blame
because she doesn't care that you
are stronger than she thinks

she thinks you are hers.

you do not belong to anyone.

please,

remember i am here beside you.
i cannot fix you or anyone or her
ego but really all of us are here

please,

be careful my love.
~she isn't the kind of friend you should have
We hiked mountains and dove into ocean temples
We tasted apple candy, fried onions and sushi platters
Without you to nourish my soil, my earth shatters
In my mouth lingers the dry taste of our kindred kiss

Longing for a touch that is now long gone
I trudge when I walk back to where we walked
In dreams I call (your name), in dreams I fall
Back into your arms…emptiness… alone!

October 2017, Lyon
Dedicated to my former Californian lover, Aaron S.
heartbreak
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