you were tall and brave
and everything that i wanted.

funny how the weather makes you remember things.

you ripped me limb from limb
but i will carry you inside of me until i die.

she reads the pages of my pain
aloud
over and over and over
until it's 4am and there is nothing left but the dark.
desperate to recall
pictures of her like words scrambled together in books
lost over time.
she was beautiful, she was everything.
her blue lace hands and sweet, hot marigold summers
the stories of that winter, snow falling over rotted leaves
washing all of it clean.
she reads
until the sun breaks open the stone blue iris,
and the birds recall her voice
her hair soaked from the first spring rain.
she reads
to remember, to forget, to heal
to break her heart wide open
to feel
and stand on the ledge but remain.

there is a quiet space at the season's end
a path i've stumbled down
time and time again.
i sit silent among the trees
i learn about living and dying
as their golden leaves fall down toward me.

being pulled in every direction. pushing back but getting nowhere.
the thought of you comes softly now. like an old friend, a lover that i never loved.
one kiss spanning across five years. melting down and taking residence in every part of me.
who i was when i let go, in that moment - i am not her.
i am not wild like her. i do not let the winds command my heart.
instead, i am me. waiting, watching.
"how we get older, how we forget about each other."
only i can't.

felt the cold one last time
memories of their hands, eyes fading through days before
i built this dark graft inside of me
nothing can tear it away now
words in my head are so loud
shuffling through hallways without an end
rooms with locked doors
the key is here but i can't reach it
i see your arms outstretched and do nothing
it's easier to be here alone.

the rain falls and the sun leaves
my great big blue sky
is gone and i can't remember
what it's like to smile

i was everything and nothing to you
i can never erase the things i did
the roads i took are still paved with
every decision
every regret
i can never rebuild
the bridges i burned


do you believe me
when i tell you i want to go back?

i wish that i could touch you now
hold your cold, blue heart
until it beats again.


i can't fix
i can't fix anything.

trees stand tall,
bare bones waving in the wind
reaching toward the sky
all winter long
waiting for the right moment
that one burst of sunlight
to rekindle what lies inside
tucked deep within the roots.

you never left my heart. you were just tucked away there, the tiny part of you that i kept.  waiting for spring. waiting for light.

some days i feel this overwhelming urge to run.
run run run run run run because i'm afraid of something, of everything, of nothing.
run as far away as i can. until my legs break. until the engine blows. until my brain bleeds and i fall. all of me spilling out all over the ground.
run until i am nothing.
run to a place where it isn't just dark.

everything i feel is wrong. there is nothing but darkness in my head.
like being locked in a room with a voice calling you out, but you can't see anything and you keep stumbling around, your hands feeling for shadows and faces that you can only see in your mind.

i forget what is real. i forget who i was. they told me that i'm sick.
they said that all these parts of my personality are symptoms.

i think i will be the death of me.

i saw you shine
a world away, beyond every dead star
blood in your teeth
biting on words you wish you'd never spoken
cutting into that part of you that's hidden

your eyes punished me for dreaming
every door slammed in my face
every phone shattered against the wall
is that how you want to be remembered?
can i write about who you really were now?
about the glass on the floor
and the hands around my neck
about the summer rain we drowned in
the flowers blooming from your throat
choking on love spilling off your tongue,
this is who we really were
saving smiles for when the door closed.

you were so bright,
so bright i couldn't see
but so dark i couldn't breathe
you took the light and dark from me
you mixed them up until i couldn't choose.
your hands moved so fast
hiding the pieces i needed
"left or right?"
frantically, i tried to remember
but you lifted both hands and there was nothing.

the demons are real.
and they're back again.
who will help me hide this time?

if i never left my bed again
could they still find me there
could i pull the covers over my head
close my eyes tight
and sleep
to escape them

would they still make me feel like this

the darkness came.
it stole almost everything.
one day it asked if i could spare a little more.
it kept asking.
every day the voice grew louder and louder.
so loud that i began to give freely.
i gave and gave.

i invited the dark thing in,
to see all that i had hidden away.
i smiled at the new friend i had made.

year after year, it came to visit.
then one day i wondered how the sun would feel. i stumbled out toward the light but the darkness ran after me.
it ******* my hands and took the key.

can you tell me now if i lied about the messes i make
of lives and homes and whole worlds trapped in hearts.
i don't know what i am now
the things i do are stitched upon my soul.
i can pull them out.
but the scars remain until the blood pools up
and fills them up again.

i was dying and you gave and you gave. i don't want to remember.

the fragments of my heart that are fused with yours-

the parts that make me love summer rain
and mourn for fall's last golden leaves.

the parts too heavy for our chest to hold,
sewn into our skin-
this is why we feel sick.
why we cry over nothing. why we fear. why we dread
the coming of morning. the new beginning that will never be that,
only lonely.
apathy carried in with evening's shadows,
the last light that always fades.

billions of stars and somehow our eyes hold the same ones,
telling the same stories. of love, and loss. and growing older.

every night i fight a war that i never signed up for
my mind, shrouded in darkness
my hands shake, so afraid

there is no breath in my lungs
there are no fish in my sea
the demons came and took my heart
split it in two
and then gave it back to me.

sometimes when you break things
you keep a few pieces around
to remember what you loved when it was whole,
to remember how you felt when you broke it.

pull my face back in the mirror until
ten years are gone
erase the lines you've traced

i made the first mistake when i kissed you
the second i touched your face
you were everyone and no one
the times i wanted to chase you but i couldn't
the hours i spent alone.

here we are and now my hands are bleeding
carrying what i can never say
and i wonder if we'll break our backs
under the weight.

eyes falling and watching through white walls
a hospital bed and a phone call
a book with your number written inside.

hiding under the covers again
i can tell you won't answer this time.
could i just see you and remember?

waves crashing but nothing washes away. every year for nothing.
i listen to the same songs then press delete.
who i was matters a little less every time.

she said she remembers you laughing
and confusing colors with the sun.
that summer day in the rain, you were brilliant
your smile as big as the sea
the boards creaking on our white washed porch.

your fingers in my hair like lightening
my lips brush against you
i close my eyes and pretend that it's over

oh what one moment can do to the soul
the damage done, forever unchanged.

pick your feet up
“I’m okay.”
wash your face off
“I’m okay.”
keep a smile on
“I’m okay.”

words cannot tell you what “tired” means to me
it is fighting and losing and fighting
rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat
wake up, get dressed-

pretend.

hello, it’s still me
are you listening? can you see
beyond my eyes that try to cry and can’t
this voice that tries to explain how it feels
to be trapped in a body
that does not love me back
where there are bars on the doors and I can’t
break out
my brain is a jar filled with grief that I can’t
let out
for a former life, a better life imagined

there is no safe place to go
not a day that allows me to forget
for a fraction of a section
that my own flesh and blood is
failing me

hello? is that you?
i can still see the hair falling soft against your shoulders
the shoes you wore until the soles split in two
i can hear your laugh, see the stillness in your eyes questioning if it’s love or madness-
and you’re crying alone on your bed,
out the window there is snow and
you wonder how you ever ended up here.

can i tell you a story?
one day none of this is going to matter.
one day you will wish you had moved on,
you will never think about those people who hurt you
because your own body is going to take everything you’ve ever loved
and burn it and scatter it like ash
until you can’t tell up from down
until you’re stuck in a cave with no end

and there you’ll be again, crying on your bed
but this time you can’t leave, you can’t run,
you can’t change it. there is no one to blame
and no one to hate
so all of the anger you feel is floating around
with no place to call home.

and you will wish you had smiled.

will we be breathing in the same sun again?
i have so much to say but it comes out wrong. ten summers passed and i can still see those plants reaching for the sun.
young and messy in grayscale sheets.
will we see another spring?
i wrote a story that i'm afraid to read. my hands shake too much to turn the pages. water washing through my life.
string lights on the bedpost guide me through memories.
muddy pieces stuck together and blurred lines that i can't make out.
behind my eyes i know you wanted
what was out of reach. pin up my arms and legs
because i don't know how to do any of this without you.

that late afternoon feeling
sweet smell in the air
strands of honeysuckle braided into your hair
humming a bluegrass song that reminds you of home.
flowers stretching upward like soldiers
your skin glowing soft in the sun
hands turning up stones, summer knows your name.

i have battled many things-
men
my thoughts
other people’s words
i have walked down flooded streets
water rushing to my knees
i have had my heart broken
by him, her, you
there was nothing so big that i felt frozen
until these six years
crushing me - ******* out every piece
until there is nothing left

how do i learn to love me now.

Tired -
of things that break
of waves so big they swallow everything
muscles and bones and guts
hair and blood and teeth

things that break and stay broken.

my body is a series of dizzying corridors and windows painted shut. for a moment I forget and the red on my skin reminds me. and there are two choices, survive or don’t.
colors blend together painting the grey that is my life. you said you wouldn’t and you did. 11 walls for each year until I don’t feel anything.
my hands are not mine, my lungs and blood and bones are not mine. the stomach sick with fear is not mine. and I know now that love is not blind. arms outstretched but severed like limbs in a storm. I can’t pretend to be who I was. the world swallows me up and I feel so small. burned up like worms on the hot pavement. there is nowhere to go that doesn’t hurt.

when I think of who you wanted and how it isn’t me
or maybe it was then but not now
not ever again. yellow dresses and cardigans.
flowers growing from my eyes. deep green November water washed against the snow.
I don’t remember who I was.
hands trace over memories that don’t feel like mine. summers spent in the sun without failing.
when I look at me I see nothing. blank, black
cold. maybe I don’t want to remember.
not anymore.