I'm tired.


and I don't mean the tired of slippery fingers and prominent yawns

I'm tired of life

I'm tired of living without a pulse my blood
running cold and
mechanical the light in my eyes no longer
there.

The blood
that runs through my veins is thin
slippery like the oil that makes the wheels
spin
without the squeak.  

I see the world as a machine
cogs turning well-oiled nobody asks you whats
wrong
outside its fine
inside the storm brews
and I'm so tired of love songs that never
explain how angry
and sad
you can be when you're in love

and how your anger isn't caused by
him
at all
yet why can't I accept that.

im jealous and im sad
that he doesn't care enough to ask why
work through it as i would him
there are certain things he doesn't
get

but since when were you easy

its not his job to know you like the back
of your scarred hands
or to make your eyes blue
they've been grey for months.  

feeling a bit Billie blue
the days get darker and yet
his reassurance does nothing but
make me fear the burden that grows with each
kiss why did i let him fall for me
why did i let him make that sacrifice
maybe its better to leave him maybe he has a chance
at happy where im not there
god knows I don't make him happy anymore.
i cant even make me happy anymore

im tired of not knowing how to love you right.
im tired of being upset.
im tired of being angry
im tired of living in your shadow
im tired of not being good enough for you
im tired of being your burden
im tired of being tired

so listen before i go

it was never you.

I haunt the shadows of your thoughts

My nails rip from their beds
clawing sanity
just trying to climb out of
my feelings

my fight leaves breadcrumbs
but light causes shadows
even in the brightest smile

and while I prefer the shade
...or used to

I churn to life in that place where
my ebb meets your flow

**

You haunt the shadows of my thoughts

You run non-stop
floating on surface tension
knowing the pit is hollow
...it just seemed easier that way

My kindness
as comforting as it is cruel
in the shadows behind a smile
that blinds me
...beautifully

It feels like magic
where your ebb meets my flow

Float on that surface tension
I'll wait in the hollow

It's hard to move when we
neither run nor chase

My body is a crime scene from a case that’s never been open because it’s a hell to relive the agony while allowing the truth to seep from between my shaking lips and chattering teeth to a group of ears that will accuse me of lying in my most vulnerable form.

She stood under the rain
Strands of wet hair
Covering most of her face.
Except those eyes,
Ahhh the eyes
That make everything else
Go blind.

Especially the fact
That I had an umbrella by my side.