Paranoia has settled it's way
Back into my diseased head.
I hide from the eyes
Of windows
And I'm trembling again.

These words tangle me,
they're the only sound
I've ever seen
that says exactly what I mean
and at the same time
exactly nothing.

It hurts.
It hurts so ******* much.
It feels like ice in my veins and splinters in my throat, and nails, and heart-
and I’m done with it.
You were supposed to love me.
I* was supposed to love me.
I want to peel the light from my skin and sit there, raw,
so you could finally see just what it feels like.
I’d be a sore on your eyes like you we’re upon my back, and heart, and mind.
And maybe,
just maybe-
despite the pain from my body
I would feel okay
within my head.

Oh, man
I'm in mania.
Beautiful, wide eyed mania.
It tastes like rose petals, and never needing food or sleep-
Just always itching to do something-
Anything really.

I did something unforgivable.
I am wretched
Selfish
Stupid
Who am I to get better
When my heart is decaying
Because I keep letting
You down.

Things follow me.
They stride across
Layers
And sit down
As if for tea.
Always in silence,
Always dark.
They buzz in my head
And tickle the edge of my mind.
I hate them.

His lips tasted
Like mint and blood
fitting perfectly with mine.

There is a Tempest in my head,
The boy who knew my blood.
Probably insane.
But he knew me, nonetheless.
We spoke of ghosts and comforts of hurt
All night until you slept.
Your irish tone sank deep
And resonated within my bones.

Can I **** another night
Or maybe just myself
All this angers hurting me
Make me ashes on a shelf

I like knowing that your back
Is still marked with the memory
Of my nails
And that your new girl can't compete
With the things I used to do.

There was a woman
That I used to sing songs to
Until her goosebumps were evident.
I'd give her calm, smooth looks
That made her question her sexuality.
Sometimes, I could even tempt her into a kiss
Or ten.
But mostly, I just made out with the guy she loved.
You can bet I left that *****
******* confused.

My fingertips are runny, they drip and ooze with ink
I keep them tied with garbage bags and drain them in the sink
Shades so dark, they'll break your heart- of those, I do not drink.
If I'm always cleaning up a spill, I don't have to stop and think.

I fell apart so fluidly, I'm always breaking down
I built this place for both of us, but I only see the ground
Tell me what it's like, when you think you've lost all hope
While your eyes still burn like fire and I'm choking on this smoke
I believed in everything you knew you couldn't do,
I believe you lied to me,
and you believe it, too.

Im shivering.
******* cold, again.
Insomnia and two hundred dollars
In meds that don't even ******* help.
It's no wonder why I'm sick
When my body and mind rejects anything
That's set firmly in reality.

When I get angry
Or nervous
My long-gone accent
Hints at my past
Reappearing for the sake of
old pains.

He took my hand,
And led me up the stairs.
Past his younger brother
That I went to school with.
When we got to his room
He threw me against walls
Grabbed my hair
Slammed my head against the bed post.
I stayed quiet,
Because no one
Will hear me whimper like
A wounded animal.

Sometimes all I have
Is my voice.
I sing until I'm dizzy
And the walls know my soul.

Don't forget
How I sit quietly
With burning eyes
Coaxing
People into my will-
Charming as all hell
Until I burn everything
With grace
Leading sheep
In stead of me
To my fate.

My skin feels like you kept it.

Let me sing to you about
The Boy Who Could Fly
So you could use it to connect
the dots of my life.

There's an option to get there
On nearly every website.
Represented by pixels and a bit of colour
Completely unsubstantial.
But for me, it's not so generic.
Not made so just because of definition.

Short hair,
Framing a face in greasy locks
Colourless eyes,
That are drenched in more shades than I've ever seen
I make no effort as of late to appear invested.
Clothes hang off of a sunken frame,
That once seemed appealing
I guess I'm a bit delapitated.

There are boys in the house that stutter.
It makes me wince when they
S-s-speak, with a smile and no shame
Because I was a girl
With a stutter beaten out of me.

How he'll never cut again
And how the light somehow seeks people out.
Makes them stronger.
Tastes not of alcohol,
Or sweat drenched nights
”this is ****.”
I turned off my laptop
And smoked another bowl in the dark.

Have you ever made me shake
The way your iced words
Make your breath catch and cease intake?
Yes, yes.
A thousand times yes-
You made me into my own mess.

”She's happy here.”**
I hear that line
Pretty frequently.
But for some reason,
I never really am.

I like voices
That sound like the darkened colour
Of honey and just
A bit of sand.

I wish I could sleep
Through trauma.
Go into shock
Like the tv talks about.
Repress reality
Like how I dealt with the past.
Anything really
Just to forget sound
And sensation.

you have small hands.*
I looked at them,
How they shook
Always.
I suppose.
I placed them on my elbows,
Freezing.
Nervous.
Its okay- mine are smaller.
I looked at this girl,
Like I'd never seen a person
Before her
And placed my hand against hers,
both small, with graceful fingers
Finally grasping the concept
Of not always being alone.

I remember
The cold, so much deeper than my bones.
And gasping for my last handful of
Breaths
The way everything dimmed.
And the lights filled my vision.
Still, no fear-
Just patience and
Resignation.

I'm such
A piece of
****.*
Get drunk and get over it.

I feel sick.
My pulse quickens,
My face pales.
I hate you.
I hate me for
What we did.

Could I not breathe
If I were a theif
That sat upon edges
Beyond reprieve
And long lost sanity?

Baby, I can break you
And be your
Poison everything.
But in the end, remember-
You never even
Got a real taste of me.

It slid a finger down my neck
Growled
Walked through a book case.
I gave them it
On accident.

Tonight I get to be angry
And hurt
My chest is a raw wound
And my lungs dont work.

I became fire
Licking at canvas- deep and blue.
Clutching tin with sharp edges
And biting at a ball in my lip.

Why do you sleep all day and stay up all night?!*
I studied her concerned face,
Measuring,
Chewing thoughts.
My demons can't get me if im awake.*
No.
I can't stand the sun anymore.
No.
I'm just so afraid.
Still not something to tell her.
**Fine. I'll go to ******* bed.

I write souls into being,
Painted sloppily
On secret paper
To silence the noise in my mind.

They would wait until
I passed out
And couldn't move,
Then they'd take turns.

I knew a young boy
Who cut his own throat.
*******, was he beautiful.

bury me
somewhere
ive never seen.

Tonight
I'm getting drunk-
I don't care
If I'm not supposed to
I just want
To feel
Warm
For
Once.