So many things are swimming through my mind right now.
So many thoughts, memories, emotions, and demons.
They float by like sheets of ice,
chilling me down to the deepest part of my broken soul,
making me numb.
Their compositions are so complex I avoid them for my sanity.
My mind is so distortedly dysfunctional.
It's filled with an infinite number of all these things,
but if I focus on one of them for too long, my mind pushes them out of reach.
My mind is a vast labyrinth guarded by sarcasm, bitterness, and a mask of composure,
filled with wastelands, trenches, and locked doors.
Only those that are patient will ever find the vault at its very center,
and even then, my mind is nearly impossible to crack.
This vault is like no other.
It's one that you never
                                                        want
                                                                                      to
                                                                                                             open.

Despite my mind's shortcomings, it's quite clever in this one sense.
The vault contains demons so repulsive, so revolting, so disturbingly terrifying,
why, my mind can't even remember what it put there.
But at night, as my mind pulls at dreams,
the vault is most unfortunately opened when my guard is down.
I sometimes wake up breathless,
with only faint recollections of the nightmarish memories and demons that my mind conjured and unleashed in slumber.
As suddenly as I awaken, the dark matter of my mind retracts back into the vault before I have much else to do.
I then peel myself off of my bed, scrape the attempt of a smile out of the gutters of my soul, and go about my day.
There are other times when the solid walls of my mind melt away for reasons I cannot explain.
Everything then swims through my mind,
all the darkness of it tugging at the back of my consciousness,
wearing away at my thought process,
and filling up my mind with hazy grief.
Nonetheless, the vault of my mind is better off locked.

However, by design, a vault must have a key to open it.
The key to mine takes many different forms,
and the interesting part is, I don't know what the key looks like.
From day to day, my mind is an imposing, impenetrable fortress,
to the point where even my own mind can't determine its complexity.
I live each day, watching, searching,
dreading the day when I finally find what frees my mind
from its nightmares, secrets, and its vault.

I'm so                       tired.
Sleep beckons.


Come hither.

but I refuse to succumb
before I'm ready.

My shoulders ache
my eyes burn.


I can help.
Let me fix you.
You need me.


How can I refuse?

I'm too sad to write my college essays
My loneliness is not allowing me to concentrate
But if I don't get into Uni,
how will I get a job to support us?

Maybe I'm too focused on my fear
that there won't even be an "us" to support
I over think everything, day after day
My brain will analyze every move I make so I don't upset you,
why can't it do the same for Algebra?

If there were a class on depression
I'd be the star pupil
They'd label me as brilliant
if only my grades were as high as my anxiety levels

The only fix would be a class on you
I could learn your ins and outs
and create a formula on winning your heart
Instead of a final, I could just fall in love with you
and pass with flying colors

More than the combination
Of Math and English,
More than the uncertainty
Of sour bitterness

Don’t I deserve better?

Then the hours upon hours
Of monotonous words
Then the blaring and the whistling
Of simultaneous noise


Don’t I deserve better?

More than the giggling
Flock of girls
More than the chants of
Your irritating name

Don’t I deserve better

To compete arrogance
With compassion
To argue utmost uncertainty
With obvious honesty

Don’t I deserve better?

Than the continuous
Anxiety
Than the pressure to
Ignore

Don’t I deserve better?

To choose what should
Be chosen
To love for uncertainty
One who does

Don’t I deserve better?
To love those who love me
To ignore those who misplace me
To finally be with someone of my choosing
But it rarely works that way,

Will I ever deserve better?

While you're swimming in my veins,
I just pray that my rivers meet the sea
when you're fed up with the songs I'm singing
just tell me softly- darling I think you ought to stick to poetry
when you're mad, your hands bleed
like a wounded soldier with no guns to hold;
you will fight for me every day I'm alive
When my silent scissor wrists refuse to cut your edges,
when your firefly mouth I tried to keep in a mason jar finds my spine,
I will never again count my own secrets
I will never again search for the answers with knowing the question
and when you look at me like a crumbling rockwall,
I will tell you not to climb. Do not climb these mountains,
you will not find God at the top
you will not find God in my temples,
or between them.
or anywhere near my sinner's cheeks.
because when they burn, they set fire.
because when you ignite, you're deadly.
because you called me one night adorned with whiskey,
your lips telling tales I used to dream about for bedtime stories.
tell me leaving was a mistake, drawn in blood
and I just want you back like the revolving door
through that airport where we met near the spring
and find me by the river, caressing my veins
because you are so full of water and I don't want to drown
in anything less than your body.
Let me in, like that stray cat
walk over my body like a ******* welcome mat.
You are always welcome, do not thank me
for saving your life because my hands shake when I think of you dying
and I can't write you down as fast as you're coming in so be still for a second
be still while the storm breaks, while you try to figure out if my body is the eye.
while you try to let me in.