and i lay on my side oftentimes
when i am able to talk to you
and in that starless night under cover of darkness
i love you, i love you, i love you
and you love me, you love me, you love me
enough to listen to tired, whiny ramblings,
mostly asleep,
you let me breathe.

The one thing I want to feel
more than anything
yet it is so far away...

Honestly, although I will tell you it wasn't your fault,
not even I now believe that.
You were so scared then -
so fragile -
you were so small to carry all that hurt and sadness.
I promise you that I'm trying to do better,
for you, little me, for you,
and maybe someday I will truly be just that:
Better.

I am a careless wanderer
my mother before me the same
when we think that we finally have a permanent home
suddenly we are lifted by the backs of our necks
and put back on the road
because careless wanderers don't get to live comfortably
careless wanderers can't live like normal people
careless wanderers sleep with men
who try to **** them
and go back and go back and go back to him
mother goes back to him
because at least he has money.
At least he pays our bills.
It doesn't matter that he tried to take out my mum's eye
because he puts food on the table that she could have worked for herself...
I want him to die.

Today I held my sword above my head,
no man with wisdom can save me now
the world decided to fight against me
but my will is strong
my rage grows
and I control this place.

I
control
this place.

my hands are on a wall of wet paint.
if i dont move them, itll dry on my hands,
if i do, the paint is on my hands anyway.
make a move, or stay this way?
i am full of cracks anyway.
maybe i can be freed.

Homelessness - for me - was the shame
the raw shame I felt emanating from my mother
any time she had to ask a friend or her own ******* mother
for a place to stay.

Homelessness was the embarrassment of
"I could come over to your house to play!"
"Oh wait..."

Homelessness was the frustration of yet another house
that we could not get
we apply for all the ones we can afford and yet...?
Still we sleep on a couch and hope to find something.

Homelessness becomes hopelessness in so short a time.
The longer we have no home,
the longer we feel like we'll never have one.

it feels like i'm no longer alive
and
am just getting by
on the scraps of  something i don't quite understand
unsettling something settles
and suddenly

>> throw yourself out the window.
walk into traffic.
those containers in the mirror cabinet, take them all. <<

huh.

there are many nice words,
some more eloquent, others simple
but still beautiful in their simplicity,
and I use these to accurately (or as accurate as I can get)
to express the intense emotions I feel with my whole chest
with my whole head.
I write
because it's my freedom.

if there's a space in front of me,
why not jump?
if there's a pen in front of me,
why not write?
if there's a rope in front of me,
why not pull?
if there's a note in front of you,
why not read?
...
and if your arms are open for me,
why
not
jump?

If I run fast enough,
Will I ever catch you?

If I scream loud enough,
Will I ever be heard?

If I show you my love,
Will I ever get the chance to call you mine?

No matter how bright the sunlight is,
and no matter how much I love it,
he cannot save me from destruction,
self destruction...
words at their finest still hurt...
so I will wilt away,
decay,
and nobody will ever find me.

and so
if i kissed you now
would it hurt us?
and not the kind of hurt of passion bruised lips,
not the hurt of our lungs when we refuse to part,
but the hurt in our minds,
the ache in our hearts
when we know this will never work?

what's a good way to say i love you?
what's the best way to really explain to you
the love that i feel for you?

maybe...

no matter where this goes
whether there's more in store for us or not...
you're not HIM,
you're not the villain in my story, and you'll always be far from it.
you could never hurt me the way  HE did.
and although your words carry more weight than HIS ever did,
not once have you ever weaponised your words against me.
and you're real to me.
you're real.
so ******* real.

even from here, you're real.

You have your ways,
your sunshine-y ways
you are perfect,
you are bright,
you are true.
Though we haven't talked too long,
I will say that I love you.