it's still last year in my mind
who will your first thought be in 2015?
i always wanted to spend the new year by your side
of course, now, i never will be able to.

you make me a kind of happy that is 100% irresistible.
or, at least, you used to.

i've been asking myself
what do you want to achieve in 2015?
maybe learn a few handy things
leave behind every toxic person i know
form new bonds with people i deserve, with people who deserve me
perhaps not so many tears.

a few days after finally answering this question,
i realised that meant i have to let go
i had mindlessly begun to wish terrible things for you
when i decided, i shouldn't be.

what i want for you?
someone to love with all your heart.
no pain, good people and memorable times.
better people to spend your life beside.
everything that i'd want for the most beloved person i'd ever known.

for someone that completely ruined me,
you still deserve the world in my eyes.

the festive music kept playing on repeat
never seeming to see an end
as i buried my face in the bedsheets,
i couldn't help but want the entire world to go away.

in short, i spent my christmas crying
wishing only for you again

i knew i'd made a mistake, letting you leave
i just wanted another chance.

and, you know?

the only gift i gave myself
was the carving of your name onto my own body
reminding myself
that you never really left.

Live* so much,
     that you scare death away.