Three years.....
That's how long it has been.
Three years ago I knew who you were.
Now, today, I look at you suppressing all the noise
Buried deep inside.
The joy, the pain, the confusion. The hatred.
You look just as beautiful as you ever have. Poised.
Everyone else just falls completely out of focus for me,
but no one knows that. Not even you.
You must think it was all long ago.
I still remember. Everything.
The last three years have been a vacant blur.

It amazes me how I keep it all in when you're here in front of me. Smiling.
I don't know where it is coming from. Or how to take it..
Is it effortless sincerity or a polished and innocuous procedure?
I don't dare ask.

It's not until you walk away after turning back once more for a goodbye
Do I let my eyes flood over.
Do you have any idea? Anything remaining?
Why do I still? That's three years of my life I will never have back.

It amazes me to find I am still standing after what I have done.
This whole time.. I realize I am the one who hurt me the most.

Grains of sand still fall the same as they always have.

What is there left for me? My loved ones are gone. Happy. Dreaming.
I am still here. Spinning. Grieving.

Is this some act of god? If so, when will this punishment end?
When can I look in the mirror and see a familiar face?

Fingers carefully pressed against the lips
A sign to be still and quiet
She has something in mind
Can't be bothered with your words

Skin tightens when she searches with her
Hands running down and her teeth sinking in.
Eyes rolling back to the top, no matter
How hard you try to look down; you just can't.

Chest rising, falling
Rising, falling
Never can catch your breath when she
Goes on top and takes control.

She holds you down in satisfaction as you
Beg for more. Finally have a chance to
Open your eyes. She is nowhere near
Done with you, the night hasn't even started.

Don't lose yourself.. until she says so.

Unknown, "It sounds like the end of the world, but in a completely peaceful way."

Me*, "When that moment comes...
even through all the noise or lack there of...
it will be peaceful.

I don't think we will even remember it."

For once I don't want to remember.

As beautiful as you were
I couldn't look at you without falling to pieces.

I don't want to remember what you look like.
I don't ever want to find you in my dreams again.

It doesn't really change anything.
I can't purge myself of this.
Even if I were to forgive and forget
I strip away all that I am.
Without any of these vices
burns, scars, grudges
I have nothing left.

I have nothing left.
All my life I have let myself
be consumed with what hurts me.
Don't be like me.

Lost in my angry confusion
Thoughts all fall apart
Is this some sort of illusion?
Why is my heart held at ransom?

You say you are no good for me
If I'm smart I will turn and leave 
But I beg to differ. Believe me.
Just take a look and you will see

Another night I grip the sheets
You did your best and lost. Now it's my turn to try.
It's just not right.. for this to be
I'll show you now then you'll know why you lived a lie.

_____

After some time it couldn't be any clearer
I was wrong.
You were nothing but a cancer
With which I cut out of my life.