what if
the entire world
and everything we saw
was painted by angels
and there was a raffle every day
and the winning angel
got to paint the sunset

how can i entice any emotion
to give me hope in my devotion
because my love is like an ocean
and i pull at your fingers
and tug on your toes
but do you want to swim?
god only knows.
you said when at the beach
you must swim
so if my love is like the ocean
why haven't  you ran in?
i thought by now
you'd have let me win.

i want to send all of my poetry to you.
poems about you.
i want to send every love letter.
letters filled with you.
but i keep finding reasons not to.
i keep blocking myself off.
"i need to see his face when he hears this"
"i  have to be there when i tell him"
not online.
not online.
not online.
i want to see his face.
but.
roadblocks.
are they realistic?
you cant just send someone a thousand love letters.
you cant just tell someone, i wrote poetry for you.
about you.
roadblocks.
but see i cant even manage to be friends,
if i cant be honest.
and people who aren't even friends?
they don't see the others face on purpose.

if i can ignore you for just another hour or two.
id be happy.
if i could stop thinking about "us"
and if it'll ever be realized.
if i submerse myself into the world.
get **** done.
if i forget about your smile and the way you walk.
ill be happy.
because i know that if i struggle with my lack of you..
i wont be happy anymore.
and you know what you always told me?
to be happy.

you're naturally amazing.
im a collage of googled information.
you are musically talented.
i steal everything from Pandora.
you are easy going and friends with everyone.
i am afraid of social interaction.
sometimes, im even afraid of you.
you are the musical genius.
brimming with future chances at wealth.
and im me.
afraid of spiders, the outside world,
and shaking hands with people.
you don't even know.
how little i am compared to you.

i haven't ever felt this way
tired and lonely and scared and insane.
im confused and lost and ****** and nervous
im curious, insecure, obsessed and
in love
with a boy ive spoken to
less than id like
with a boy who is my companion
but only in my mind
i think of him everyday
i want to be near him
to share everything
but
does he want the same?
we speak every day.
about useless, stupid, unimportant things
i want so badly
to tell him evey nice, poetic thing i feel for him
to share my heart completely.
but
does he want the same?
i fear.
and i worry.
and i regret.
im made up of confusion!
how do we get from friendship-
to where i want to be?
 in his arms,
 for eternity.

ive written you so many ******* love letters
and i want           
 to burn                  
them all.
because i don't know
how you feel about me.
at all.
i wonder if you like me.
though we talk every day.
ive never sent a single letter.
because
your as unreadable as a brick
as strange to me as the insides of my bedroom wall.
like them, the only thing i see is whats on your outside.
outside you are this calm genius.
so wonderful and sad.
but inside
i do know
you have monsters.
demons and fears.
and my love letters
or my smile pressing against my ears
they cant cure insanity
or depression
which plagues you
much like im plagued
by my love of you.