I sit alone at lunch forcing myself to eat.
I know I have to eat.
If I don't keep food in my system I'll continue my downward slide.
Exhaustion
Pain
More exhaustion
More pain
Atleast the testing has begun.
They've already ruled out all minor things.
So from here forward I get to be poked again and again.

Yeah she was there first.
I was nothing but a tool.
A tool to help you get over her.
Guess you never got over her.
You really loved her huh?
Love her enough to call me your best friend.
Get me to trust you enough to tell you everything about me.
Then turn around and stab me.
You ******* ripped my heart out.
Thanks man! Means a lot.
Always love it when the person you cared about kills you inside.
Not the fist time this has happened.
First was my dad.
**** the list is too long.
all these people have like killed me.
You hurt the most though.
I hadn't cut in months.
Now my leg has an x on it.
And ex for ex for friendship that didn't work out.
I remember the plans we made.
How you told me you wanted to be with me.
Then everything changed so fast.
You said you never wanted us to get close.
And then I meant nothing.
I was just a ghost who came into your life.
Then was shoved out again.
Tossed out like garbage.
That's what I am.
A ghost.
I'm dead now.
At last.
But only on the inside.
I don't know who I can trust.
Way to **** up my trust with everyone.
By hurting someone with trust issues you pretty much hurt everyone around me.
Now imma be hesitant to tell anyone anything.
I'm going back to living in the shadows.
Back to drawing on myself with a blade.
Na I won't go that low.
Even though I did last night.
I love you.
But I still can't.
I'm weak.
Not strong anymore.
You were everything to me.
I obviously made a horrible mistake.
I spent countless nights wondering if you were okay.
You probably didn't care.
You told me that I'm alive because love keeps humans alive.  
I asked how.
You said because I love you.
You obviously didn't.
I'm sorry for ******* this up.
So sorry.
I'm sorry for loving you.
Sorry for caring.
Sorry for hurting.
Sorry for letting the pain control me.
Just sorry.
But no I don't regret meeting you.
I don't regret a single word said.
I don't regret kissing you.
I don't regret sneaking out of class to be with you for a minute.
I don't regret anything.
I regret loosing you.
I regret not being whatever you were looking for.
My friends say I should hate you.
I can't hate you.
You can't hate someone you loved.
And I loved you.
I remember you told me not to love you.
That i was making a mistake.
And that your a better friend than a girlfriend.
I'm sorry.
Sorry that you thought that.
Sorry that your back in what you called a toxic relationship.
Sorry that I'm sitting here reliving the past.
Listening to your favorite music.
**** that.
I love you.
Love is evil spell it backward and I'll show you.

Running down the halls.
The dull white walls of those crazy halls.
Yes I was mid mania.
Screaming!
I should have been ashamed.
Then again it wasn't me who took the blame.
I needed to let loose.
I needed to Scream!!!
So I ran down the halls.
The white dull halls of Willow trees.
Yes I was there for five or so months.
Way more than the expected 90 days.
I was running.
The staff told me to calm down.
But I can't and I'm not hurting anyone.
I rannnnnn!!!!
Screaming!!!!
The hall Tecs stared.
I laugh.
Then later I leave my mania behind.
I lay in front of the blue doors and wait for the boys to come back from dinner.
Travis would be with them.
He was like a brother.
I lied by the blue doors.
Depression swept over me.
It was the mania dropping me down.
Meds were late.
I went and found Sammy.
She was my crush.
She had a beautiful voice and was like family.
We all were family

Short stories 1

  I sat there in the church staring at the ground. My breath was shaky and I was nervous. She sat beside me. Her eyes stared attentively toward the preacher. She told me God would help me. I told her that she helped me and made me want to live everyday. She had shown me life and shown me pain. Both sides of perfection and imperfection.

I am not sure.
Sure of who I am.
I feel distant again.
Uncontrollably far.
And growing farther.
Farther from reality.
All the pain.
And the world pushing down.
I'm screaming as the pain surfaces.
Everything reopening wounds.
I need my friend but can't bother her.
She's having a wonderful times.
I don't need to cause stress.

A hand touched my shoulder...
Are you here for the art thing?
What art thing?
You shall see...
Now
I
Would
Like
To
Pause.
When you have no clue what you are doing.
Why you are there.
When you got there.
How you got there.
That is strange.
Now
We
Resume.
This girl touched my shoulder.
We exchanged words.
Then I woke up.

Such a vivid dream.
She walked up and wrapped her arms around me.
I remembered the way it felt when she's hold me close.
I guess I sorta miss it.
Last night I had a dream.

Such a vivid dream.
It was about her.
I miss her and wish she was here.
She made the choices she did.
I loved her a lot.
But now we are nothing but a past.

Such a vivid dream.
We sat in the grass at mendive.
We walked around the halls at the boys and girls club.
Over to the kids side.
I remember the staff would get mad.
Yes I do miss what we had.

God, that name hasn't killed me yet.
It just screams out regret.
I trusted you with everything.
And I obviously never meant a thing.
You helped me find myself.
Then you acted like somebody else.
You took away your pain.
You bowed down in shame.
You smoked and began to fly.
Fly higher than the sky.
Rarely were your eyes not glassy.
I though this whole mess was you being classy.
And to think I called you a brother.
Why even bother.
You were there when nobody else was.
Then you found a new buddy...
Drugs

A man who never would?
Or a man who never could?
The world has become a sad place.
A place where man hands man poison and begs him to taste.
Then the man stares.
As man dies man doesn't care.
All he does is stare.
He doesn't help.
He watches man scream and yelp.
Sorry my dear.
Nobody is here.
So as you can see,
Man ought to make a world of beauty.
A man who never would.
A man who never could.
A man who all along really should.

Leaving for some random reason.
Excuse me miss, but I left my thing there.
Be quick.
Yes mam'm.
When I get into the hall I wait for her.
The sweet face of a girl with blue hair.  
We walk to wherever we are going.
Today it was the bathroom and RO.
We talk and laugh.
Hug.
She wraps her arms around me.
Somehow I can sorta tell when she wants to.
Creating some reason to.
It's wierd because she still asks.
Softly, can I hug you?
Yes of course love! No need to ask...
By her asking I wonder...
Who made you think you needed to ask to hug someone?
Love I don't mind when you hug me.
I may even like it more than you do.
Your touch is crazy.
The feeling it sends through me.
When you stare into my eyes...
**** you have such beautiful brown eyes.
You always claim your hair looks bad.
No love, it is absolutely amazing.
Everything about you is amazing.
Everything is perfect.
Please don't ever feel like you have to change.
Don't change for anyone.
You are beautiful the way you are.
Just the way you are...

Fear... fear you have layen upon my body.
Fear... fear you have forced into hers.
Breaths... breaths you've taken away.
Made harder to breath.
You've brought a sickness over me.
I lay in this room secluded unable to force myself to get up.
Three days straight I've layen here.
Sick with this awful sickness.
Unable to move.
Today I got up though.
Today I found strength enough to remove myself from the room and eat something.
All thanks to a man.
He wished me the best and shared his story with me.
He told me believing you can fight is the hardest part and that I am strong.
I am strong.
I can get past whatever this world throws at me.
I will not let it bring me down.

She went on a trip.
Away in the state.
She went on a trip.
Away from contact.
I wait til she's online.
Then I message her.
I feel quite annoying.
I just really miss her.
I miss her a lot.
She is one of the only people I talk to.
Now what do I do?
She's not here.
Emily I miss you.
I want to know how it was.
It looks like you had fun.
Whenever you get the time let me know.
I really miss you just letting you know.

Diner was calm.
The tv off not on.
We sat there like statues.
Pretending everything was fine.
Yes pretending was something you've always been good at dad.

I knew you lost your job.
I knew your car capped out.
Never once did I speak.

You knew I had relationship problems.
You knew I was becoming sicker.
Yet never once did you speak.

You were a homophobe.
You didn't want to believe half of it.
I didn't want to see your life go downhill.
Especially now.

So to ease the tension, I picked up the baby and got in the Prius and drove to my girlfriends house.
Just for you I kissed her like there was no tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
Me too.

The baby cooed.
She smiled gently.
Yes everything was okay.
But at the same time it wasn't.
I guess that's alright.
At least I have her and I'm still alive.
The tiny life will keep her company when I'm gone.
The tiny life will need her when I'm gone.
I can't be sad.
Looking back on the life I had.
A happy, for the most part, family.
Beautiful baby girl.
Beautiful significant other.
Beautiful childhood.
Surrounded by beauty.
Yeah life was good.

Summer feels like forever.
Not getting to see friends everyday.
Some friends even in different states.
I miss her.
I miss my friend.
We don't talk as much.
She's super busy.
I'm busy too.
Almost always sleeping.
Summer is a drag.

Everything makes sense.
Everything has been leading me to this moment.
Everything has been pushing me towards her.
The ups and downs.
Emotional breakdowns.
The break ups.
The first time I saw her stars lines up.
They pointed me straight to this girl.
I disregarded it.
Now I see.
I see what you were doing.

It's been all for her.
I don't even know how it came to be.
How I even became so close to melody.
Today was different.
Can't decide if it was good or bad.
Today we kissed and I wonder if we should had.
In the bathroom hidden.
Her eyes stared into mine.
What would you do if I kissed you?
She whispered staring.
I smiled gently.
I'd let you Mel.
Then it happened.
Her lips locked with mine.
It was heaven but still I was terrified.
I hadn't kissed anyone for a year.
Anyone but Chae.
What if I ****** up?
What if...
Mel isn't Chae.
I was dazed.
She held me close after and I wrapped my arms around her.
She made everything okay.
I just wanted to stay there with her.
I wanted to kiss her again.
And again.
Instead I walked her back to class.
A different girl had walked in.
I want to be with melody.
I don't know what to do.

I didn't mean to snap
I'm sorry
I made u upset
I hurt you
I made a promise
But then the silver screamed
It was only a little one
How bad could it be
I know it was the last
I try
I sorry

Does the word ring a bell?
Ever feel trapped in your own
Personal hell?
Regretting every move?
Everything is dark
Storm clouds linger in the air.
Storm clouds that grow darker
It's not even sadness
Over and over the feeling screams
Numb is all I feel.

Depression is an empty feeling

I lean over the edge. My feet never touch the ground, but I fly.

2. She ran her hand down my arm. Then she proceeded to wrap her arms around me.

3. Dancing is an outlet. Soaring to the music instead of putting a gun to you head and pulling the trigger.

Grab my hands.
Dance with me.
Pulled in close.
Stay here with me.
Yes you don't even know.
How much you really mean.
You are one of the reasons I breath.
Your every word draws me in.
Every move makes me weak.
Weaker to you.
Falling hard.
For once I actually want to fall.
Fall into you.
Feel your heart beat.
Your lips on mine.
Every kiss frightening and beautiful.
Wanting to grow old.
Only with you love.
Late at night.
Texting you til daylight.
Staying up as long as I can.
Dreaming of you.
Seeing you.
Morning lunch whenever we can.
Life's to short.
You say to live in the moment.
Never try to rush.
I'm always somewhere out of my mind.
Living strewn about over time.

No words can sum up the pain.
The pain I've felt for years.
No words can unstain the blade.
The blade I've used for years.
No words can mend my heart.
The heart you've crushed for years.
No words can take away my breath.
The breath you've held for years.
Carefully watching my step.
The steps you've controlled for years.
Tears streaking down my face.
The face you've abused for years.
Bruises line my body.
The body you've hit for years.
No nothing can take away the pain.
The pain you have inflicted for years.

My spaniel puppy lays on my feet.
I'm at home comfortable under my blue blanket.
It's a soft blue blanket probably one of my favorite possessions.
The spaniel puppy is warm and soft.
She keeps my cold body warm.
She knows something is wrong.
She's worried too.
Everyone's worried.
Lately my body has been caving.
Sicker and sicker I grow and I'm unable to cure this sickness.
My body refuses to fight it.
Over two weeks now what should be a common cold has made me miserable.
No I'm not contagious.
I have to sit out during sport activities because my lungs can't take that kind of activity.
My lungs aren't necessarily the best at being lungs.
They don't want to breath in air.
They feel like they are suffocating.  
It's an interesting feeling.

Plans and dreams,
Turned to nothing,
Shadows in the night,
Seemed to give me a bit of delight.
You walk away.
I was speechless with nothing to say.
Now my friends are the shadows.
I'm tired of people who just come and go.
You finally love somebody.
Then they leave you trapped in your mind.
Lately it's hard to find,
Any noises but the soft whispers.
The ones only I can hear.
No longer safe in my head.
Not yet to the point of wishing I was dead.
Thoughts always spinning around.
My body was Nowhere near the ground.
High above reality.
Never realized what was happening.
All I knew was I had her and she had me.
But that was never the true story.
Two broken souls.
No story to be told.
Both too broken to ever love.
Putting there future behind them.
Only to return to the emptiness.

A.S
a random write. Nothing true about it.

Your every move has led me to her.
The beginning we were nothing.
Now she is everything.
How can someone care so much.
Always on my mind.
Wondering if she is okay.
I wear her sweatshirt.
It smells like her.
She wears mine.
My last name on her back.
Big red letters.
It's cute on her.
She is everything to me.
I love her with every ounce in my body.
I love her so much.
Nobody has a clue what I'm getting into to.

The polar bear died.
I cried.

Many different people are out...
The sunset so beautiful.
Then it goes down.
Darkness.
Her and I sitting on the hill.
The peaceful noises around us.
Sitting close.
Her hand in mine.
She's so beautiful.
Especially her eyes.
The color drawing me in.
I lean in to kiss her and she pulls back smirking.
She asks, what's on your mind?
I can't even begin to describe it.
So here in the dark we sit.
Our words minimum, barely any.
The shadows surround us, so many...
I pull her close and kiss her.
I melt just by her touch.
She's amazing.
The way she wispers in my ear...
The way she freezes and stops when others are near.
The way she has to be high to feel alive.
The way she can talk half the night and still be nowhere near ending the conversation.
The way she smirks when looking me in the eyes.
****... I can't get her off my mind.
So **** amazing.
So love, when you ask what's on my mind, just know it's too much to describe.
I have nothing to hide.
I'm just mesmerized.

All the voices here and there.
You are worthless screamed everywhere.
My thoughts scold me for the past.
She I knew you couldn't be in a relationship that last
Remember all the nights you spend together?
******* ****.
Hope you never get out of the depressed rut.
Go take another pill.
Drink till your guts spill.
Achohol poisoning might do you well.
That was why our relationship fell.
I got a habit.
One that became an addiction before I could grab it.
Remember the time the girls came and jumped me?
Left me there bleeding?
Yeah that was fun.
Who helped? No one.
I'm pathetic.
I'm a lunatic.
So drugged up I cant think straight.
So high I can't do great.
I'm an idiot.
Should have never slept with her.
She was my murderer.
I'm an idiot.

There's not enough rain in Oklahoma to wash the sins out of that house.
So here I hide motionless like a dead mouse.
I began silent and died silent.
I began pale and unable, unwilling, to breath.
Now again I feel anxiety making it impossible to breath.
I thought I was making improvement.
I thought maybe for once in my life there was a chance I wasn't going to have to take meds the rest of my life to keep me alive.
That ship sailed.
I didn't take them yesterday and I already feel pain.
I feel the anxiety.
I feel the waves pushing me under.
I'm drowning again.
Mom says I need to take my meds.
I know I need to.
Sometimes I just forget.
The next day I am flung high into the sky then pushed down under the waves to the deepest parts of the ocean.
Here I will stay for a little.

Nope no pain.
Deep down under my sleeves I press down on cuts.
The cuts hurt bad.
Bad like everything memory.
I say it's just allergies.
That's the reason I look like I'm crying.
It's never allergies.
It's a little problem I like to call heartbreak.
When you fall for someone and they don't love you.
So many times this has happened.
Just great.

Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
One second everything's great the next you want to die.
I honestly don't want to be here anymore.
I guess I'm hanging on for her.
We were had plans together.
Now they are nothing.
Reality went to dreams.
Now I will see her in my sleep.
Wanting to run to her and hug her tight.
Knowing I just want to stay out of sight.
She said if I cut so will she.
I told her she has more potential than me.
I begged her not to leave.
She said she'd need time to think.
I wasn't ready for that today.
She left me speechless no words to say.
Numb.
Finger laying on the trigger of the gun.
Not being able to run to anyone.
Her in the dark my thoughts run wild.
A ******* confused little child.
I want to light up agin.
Put my worries to an end.
I thought I was clean.
No longer had a need.
Leaning on nicotine as my only relief.
Smoking more and more
**** nobody cares.
People really do.
My mind denies it.
Just wanting to forget.
Addicted to running silver down my arm again and again.
The blade is one of my few friends.
Put the gun to my head the end.

Roll it off your tongue.
Watch it leave your mouth.
No this word must be whispered.

Said with uncertain doubt.
In society today,
America tends to sway.

Far far away,
Away from this whispered word.
Away from the sad facts.

Unfortunately this word is more than that.
The word **** is no secret.
Almost 1.3 million each year.
Your sister, your brother, your uncle, even your mother.
A sensitive word I know...

Yet they keep it out of schools.
When my teacher said the r word I though she meant *******.
A word more commonly thrown around than a word that should be spoken about.

My voice was shut down.
Don't use the r word in schools.
It's not a school appropriate subject.
Just shut your mouth and forget.
Victims everywhere.
Men and women. Adults and children.
All potential victims of ****** abuse.

You want the word **** kicked out of schools?
Look how it's all around you.
A poetry teacher unable to let me express.
A word that may hit hard to all the rest.

A simple statement about **** in relationships.
The R word shouldn't need an explanation.
The R word is all around us.

Still such a subject that it is to be kept hidden.
Shut your mouth don't speak out.
The word **** is such a thing never to be said.

Only until your the one it's happening to instead.
Speaking out is scary.
Probably even harder because in school nobody tells you it's okay to talk about.
Instead it something you just not say.

Girls and boys please listen to me.
You use your voice and you speak.
You practice your first amendment right.
Don't stay hidden,
Don't give up the fight.

If someone hurts you in such a way.
I know that it's scary,
And thanks to society today,
You may be very afraid.
Afraid to speak out
Afraid to raise attention.

Afraid.
Afraid shouldn't be a word associated with speaking out against ****.
Stop closing doors.
Stop making this subject scary.
Encourage people to be open.
Everyone has a voice.
It just needs to be spoken.

The way I deal with my problems.
It isn't the best way.
Sneaking out to get the things I need.
Coming back high and unable to think right.
Yeah the street lights are blurs.
It's how I deal with losing her.

The way I deal with my problems.
Isn't always the right way.
I get in fights a lot.
The pills make me manic.
I no longer take the ones that calm me.
Instead I chose to stay up high.
Until I crash real low.
That's how I deal with losing her.

Call me back to home.
Don't make me walk alone.
Take me to the place I belong.
Teach me again how to be strong.
Please let me stay there.
Free my short red hair fly free.
Yes fly free just like me.

My body began to sink.
A wave of depression was sweeping me under.
I was low.
Back at the bottom of the ocean.
I had reasons on why I was drifting in and out of waves.
Being pushed by the currents.
Being drug farther down by my mind.
I shouldn't let myself drift like this.
I shouldn't let the waves of past push me down.
Too bad I don't control the ocean.
It controls me.
It decides if I will fly or swim.
Be caught in a storm or burnt by the sun.
That is reality for me.
This is reality.
The pain.
The silver blade breaking my skin.
The achohol drowning out the past.
The sleeping pills making me sick.
Then pain from people.
Friends ignoring me, not you Emily.
People acting like I'm a ghost.
The laughing.
Elementary school really ****** me up.
I think everyone is laughing.
It's killing me slowly.
I can't be in the same room as some people for fear one day I'll just break and beat the **** out of them.
God how I'd love makayla to do something so what happen in middle school can happen again.
Stupid lying jerks.
Afraid to trust.
Afraid to love again.
Unlovable?
That's a good description.
Untouchable.
That describes it...
Dead?
Spot on!

Mom screamed at night.
He never avoided a fight.
So as I sit here and I write, I listen to them yell.
Back and forth the voices always tell.
This was you fault the voices say.
No! No! No! Go away.
I can't listen anymore.
I slam closed the door.
One cut, two cuts more.
I feel the tears begin to fall.
Slam my fist into the wall.
What will they think?
I watch the blood drip in the sink.
Off my wrist the red falls.
Into a dark room my conscious crawls.
When mom finds me she screams and bawls.
How could you do this to me?
I'm sorry mom.
I know it was wrong.
When the blade turned red,
I don't know what got in my head.
I just couldn't put it down.
Then she began to frown.
Your not my daughter she said.
I downed a bottle of pills and like that I was dead.

Sick of all the battles
The ones that shouldn't be
Problems that shouldn't excist.
Melody
Life
Cutting
Burning
Emily
Anger
Suicide
**** what if I just said it was over?
What if I just said I wanted to take my life?
Would you guys still care?
If one dark night I started taking pills?
One night I cut too deep.
One night I cried until I couldn't breath?
Sick of it all.
I bleed to heal others.
I ******* die everyday to see you smile.
You never smile.
You make it seem like you don't care.
I just want it all to be over.
This time I'm not just venting in writing.
This time I'm being legit.
This might be the last poem.
I don't know.
I've pretended to be okay.
Well I'm not okay!
Just sick of it all

I have a history.
One that's not so easy to read.
Just like a book with every turn of a page.
You must cringe at what you see.
My past.
My present.
My future.
All have been ashes.
I'm not easy to read.
The words are all twisted.
All scary.
Some pages are torn up like my wrists.
There are reasons I never wear bikini bottoms in the summer.
Always shorts so people don't ask about the cuts and burns.
I wear tattoos to cover up scars.
Yeah my book is very tattered.
Very broken.
Falling apart even.
But my book reflects my life.
That's okay.

take my hand.
I will lead you through the storm.
The storm on the inside.
The storm that you can't hide.
I can see the pain in your eyes.
Really it's no surprise.
You've been through so much.
You are strong.
Amazing.
And not hopeless.
So take my hand.
Allow me to walk you through the storm.

Human beings... we have a flaw.
Can't you see?
Wait no, you can't see.
Only the others can see.
Humans flaw is we strive to achieve others visions.
It starts when we are young.
Mom wants you to graduate school with good grades.
You go out graduate school with c average or higher.
God forbid you drop out.
Through out school you dress to satisfy the eyes of others.
You act as a member of society.
Do what is seen as normal.
Once my therapist educated me on social norms.
Who is one to decide these social norms though?
Who decides what is acceptable and what is not?

Repeativly I appoligize.
I don't know how she hasn't realized.
When I talk about a crush.
I feel my heart begin to rush.
I remember that last time I told you.
I wondered how you'd react what you would do.
Instead I kinda feel like you forgot the next day.
Now I just identify you as a person whenever I say.
The work crush.
Yes my heart rush.
Only because it's you.
You are the reason I do what I do.
I try to hide feelings with others.
But no one makes me happy like you.
I just don't know what to do.
This is how I will say it.
I like you.

My skin was white.
Night and pale.
White as a ghost.
Yes at times I felt like a ghost.
Wandering aimless.
I am a ghost.
I am dead.
Yet still breathing.
I wander dead.
I am dead.
My skin is white.

Play dates
Soul mates
This is how it was
Constant fun
Young one
As we grew old
If we only stayed.
If we never wasted away.
If it just stayed how it was.

Now it is the world.
Yes love, the world standing between us.
But I am here.
The world can be left in the dust.
I will always be here love.
Always.
When words are spit at us,
Those words won't matter.
When people threaten violence just be aware that the violence is never the answer.
We are safe.
We are okay.
The humans can't hurt us if we don't let them.
So no I will not fight.
I will not spur words of hate.
I will stand my ground and keep you close.
When the world knocks us down we have each other.
Now I am not afraid.
Afraid of what the world can do.
Yes I am frightened of the people in the world.
But we are strong.
We are stronger than we know.
I love you.

Just like a child
Young and wild.
Never setting limits.
Racing through life.
Never knowing wrong from right.